I like when other bloggers remind me of things that I am thankful to have in our adoption journey. Karianne just wrote a great post about the benefits of journaling. I've journaled throughout a majority of my life. Some journals have met with untimely deaths, "round files" or have been lost in general. However, I've kept an online journal for over five years now. (Wow.) While locked to the general public, certain friends and family members have access to keep up with my personal life.

I used this journal extensively during my pregnancy with the Munchkin and through the emotional aftermath of the post-placement months. (And years.) Again, as my internet connectability during pregnancy was spotty at best, I'm missing some important weeks and issues but, on the whole, I have a large portion of the pregnancy committed to memory via journaling. During hard times such as birthdays and Christmas or just at random, I will click open my archives and read through things that have been shoved to the back of my memory.

It's not always easy. Reading back over the words I wrote during the most tumultuous time in my life can bring back a myriad of emotions. Nostalgia drips from each line. There were happy times, despite what one might think about an unplanned pregnancy and subsequent adoption plan. Even now, while not reading the words directly, just talking about journaling brings back certain little memories.

The sad entries are the hardest, especially looking back with the "what I know now" mindset. I see myself, then, struggling with whether placement was the right thing for our situation and I want to reach through the screen, cuddle my scared self and say, "You can do this." The love I had for my daughter was so painfully evident in every single word, in every single entry. Someday I hope to share them with her, as age and relationship permit.

I am thankful that I continued to write during the craziness that was my pregnancy. I am thankful that during a computer crash, I didn't lose everything (though some was lost). I am thankful that I didn't hold back with regard to emotion or fear. I am thankful that I can read over these words whenever I so desire. I am thankful that I will one day be able to share these words with the Munchkin, that she will be able to see and hear the love for her entire being in every single syllable.

I am thankful.