Comments on: Ten Things NOT to Say to a Birth Mother in Open Adoption – Part Two http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1 A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: banjo http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1523 banjo Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:50:43 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1523 Jenna, I have also had the "move on with your life" comment and let the afamily get on with their life. It has come from my father and even the amother said that my bdaughter said that I needed to get on with my life when she was about 10. Hmmm...I am unsure what context my bdaughter's comment was said. But this comment does hurt because I thought it was very obvious that I had moved on with my life! I walked away from the ugly obsessive relationship I had with the bfather, moved town, even lived in different countries, travelled, changed careers, got further education and finally met a good man and got married and had more children. Heck I even changed the color of my hair a few times as well as the style...I am unsure exactly where I have stagnated in my life...perhaps I should ask the next person who passes that comment to me. Jenna, I have also had the “move on with your life” comment and let the afamily get on with their life. It has come from my father and even the amother said that my bdaughter said that I needed to get on with my life when she was about 10. Hmmm…I am unsure what context my bdaughter’s comment was said. But this comment does hurt because I thought it was very obvious that I had moved on with my life! I walked away from the ugly obsessive relationship I had with the bfather, moved town, even lived in different countries, travelled, changed careers, got further education and finally met a good man and got married and had more children. Heck I even changed the color of my hair a few times as well as the style…I am unsure exactly where I have stagnated in my life…perhaps I should ask the next person who passes that comment to me.

]]> By: Opalwench http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1522 Opalwench Thu, 11 Jan 2007 05:32:26 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1522 Going along with number 5... when I discovered I was pregnant, Jeff had a coworker ask him, "Is it yours?" I think he was kidding, but... GAH! Going along with number 5… when I discovered I was pregnant, Jeff had a coworker ask him, “Is it yours?” I think he was kidding, but… GAH!

]]> By: JudyK http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1521 JudyK Wed, 10 Jan 2007 19:04:32 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1521 Jenna, you're right, people do seem to think that adoption makes people fair game for asking questions of those of us in the triad. I get asked rude questions a lot, but those questions really take the cake! <br /> <br /> I have been asked questions about Nate's birthmother too, as far as what we know about her. Some people just make assumptions also. A close member of my own family once said something to the effect of her "getting rid of him." I held it together enough to not go ballistic but made my displeasure known. Sheesh!!<br /> <br /> Good list, Jenna. It's amazing what people think is fair game in the world of adoption. Never ceases to amaze me how callous and crass people can be. And completely uninformed. Jenna, you’re right, people do seem to think that adoption makes people fair game for asking questions of those of us in the triad. I get asked rude questions a lot, but those questions really take the cake!

I have been asked questions about Nate’s birthmother too, as far as what we know about her. Some people just make assumptions also. A close member of my own family once said something to the effect of her “getting rid of him.” I held it together enough to not go ballistic but made my displeasure known. Sheesh!!

Good list, Jenna. It’s amazing what people think is fair game in the world of adoption. Never ceases to amaze me how callous and crass people can be. And completely uninformed.

]]> By: Deb Donatti http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1520 Deb Donatti Wed, 10 Jan 2007 16:54:16 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1520 As an adoptive mom I get some of these rude questions or statements myself directed at my children's birthparents. <br /> The other day at school I was talking to an employee there and when I mentioned my son's upcoming birthday, I also shared that his birthmom had good news about a new baby she is expecting. The employee comes back with a flipped up nose and the remark, "Well doesn't she know HOW that is happening, so she can put a stop to it? I mean what are these people thinking?"<br /> Needless to say I was pissed!<br /> After I put my fist in my pocket (for her safety) I let her know that P is happy and we are happy for her. She is a working hard and an itellegent young lady who will be a super mom to our son's half sibling. P is a terrific girl who speaks three languages and managed to get herself through school in a third world country and scholarship her way to college in the US.<br /> The employee could learn a thing or two from P, if she shut up long enough to hear. As an adoptive mom I get some of these rude questions or statements myself directed at my children’s birthparents.
The other day at school I was talking to an employee there and when I mentioned my son’s upcoming birthday, I also shared that his birthmom had good news about a new baby she is expecting. The employee comes back with a flipped up nose and the remark, “Well doesn’t she know HOW that is happening, so she can put a stop to it? I mean what are these people thinking?”
Needless to say I was pissed!
After I put my fist in my pocket (for her safety) I let her know that P is happy and we are happy for her. She is a working hard and an itellegent young lady who will be a super mom to our son’s half sibling. P is a terrific girl who speaks three languages and managed to get herself through school in a third world country and scholarship her way to college in the US.
The employee could learn a thing or two from P, if she shut up long enough to hear.

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1519 Jenna Hatfield Wed, 10 Jan 2007 16:11:48 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1519 Holly; yes! Many adoptive parents had shared that they had been asked similar questions about their child's birth parent. Why are people so rude AND dumb. Gah!<br /> <br /> Angela (and Heather and Jan); Oh yes, I fall right into that category of buying into that line of thinking, hook, line and sinker. I beat myself up about it now but, can't do anything about it. My friends who are single Mothers do a great job. I'm sorry you've encountered the same stereotype. It sucks, all around. Holly; yes! Many adoptive parents had shared that they had been asked similar questions about their child’s birth parent. Why are people so rude AND dumb. Gah!

Angela (and Heather and Jan); Oh yes, I fall right into that category of buying into that line of thinking, hook, line and sinker. I beat myself up about it now but, can’t do anything about it. My friends who are single Mothers do a great job. I’m sorry you’ve encountered the same stereotype. It sucks, all around.

]]> By: Jan Baker http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1518 Jan Baker Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:50:32 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1518 Great list Jenna! Angela, I get really sick of people always moaning about "broken homes." The son I raised was much better off after a divorce being raised mainly by me.<br /> <br /> Heather, I hear you - I feel the same way - blind, stupid - sometimes want to kick myself. Great list Jenna! Angela, I get really sick of people always moaning about “broken homes.” The son I raised was much better off after a divorce being raised mainly by me.

Heather, I hear you – I feel the same way – blind, stupid – sometimes want to kick myself.

]]> By: Heather Lowe http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1517 Heather Lowe Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:35:35 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1517 Angela, what you have just outlined so well in your post is exactly the rationale that led me to surrender my child.<br /> <br /> I could kick myself for how stupid and blind I was back then. Angela, what you have just outlined so well in your post is exactly the rationale that led me to surrender my child.

I could kick myself for how stupid and blind I was back then.

]]> By: Angela http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1516 Angela Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:31:55 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1516 I wrote this blog back in March about me being judged a woman of loose morals. <br /> <br /> http://ukraine.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/single-don-t-know-the-daddy-s-name<br /> <br /> I think there is a societal expectation set up by various "popular" studies. It goes.... single families don't do as well as married families. Their children do drugs or fail school. <br /> <br /> Single parents (mainly women) can judged harshly.<br /> <br /> Because I am a single mom (and I don't go around explaining my daughter is adopted), I get judged... and have gotten some comments that communicate<br /> <br /> "Hey! You're a big whore!"<br /> <br /> Just last week I was scolded by a married man (email list). I should get married so my daughter can have the proper male role model in her life. <br /> <br /> Married was the only way to parent.<br /> <br /> What in the world made this man <b>THINK</b> that I wanted his advise. He trotted the old sterotype that my child won't be a successful adult (another way of saying drugs/fail school). I wrote this blog back in March about me being judged a woman of loose morals.

http://ukraine.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/single-don-t-know-the-daddy-s-name

I think there is a societal expectation set up by various “popular” studies. It goes…. single families don’t do as well as married families. Their children do drugs or fail school.

Single parents (mainly women) can judged harshly.

Because I am a single mom (and I don’t go around explaining my daughter is adopted), I get judged… and have gotten some comments that communicate

“Hey! You’re a big whore!”

Just last week I was scolded by a married man (email list). I should get married so my daughter can have the proper male role model in her life.

Married was the only way to parent.

What in the world made this man THINK that I wanted his advise. He trotted the old sterotype that my child won’t be a successful adult (another way of saying drugs/fail school).

]]> By: Holly http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1/comment-page-1#comment-1515 Holly Wed, 10 Jan 2007 15:12:57 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/01/10/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-birth-mother-1#comment-1515 Thanks for sharing, Jenna. Some of the comments I've heard as an adoptive mom, speculating about birth parents, but some are just SO shocking, like "Didn't you know who the father was?" Wow. What a slam. Again, thanks for being open.<br /> <br /> Holly Thanks for sharing, Jenna. Some of the comments I’ve heard as an adoptive mom, speculating about birth parents, but some are just SO shocking, like “Didn’t you know who the father was?” Wow. What a slam. Again, thanks for being open.

Holly

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