Continued from Part One, the top five statements/questions continue to cut a little deeper into a birth parent's heart and soul.

5. "Did you give up your baby because you didn't know who the father is?"
Sometimes I wonder if the person asking this type of question truly realizes that they just used a more polite way of saying, "Hey! You're a big whore!" Beyond making comments about a woman's sexual history, which the statement maker may know nothing about, it feeds into the stereotype that birth parents are sexually promiscuous. Just because someone became pregnant outside of marriage (which isn't even true for all birthmothers!) doesn't mean that they were a sexually rampant woman.

4. "I could NEVER give away my child."
This one often cuts to the core of a birth mother because of the statements, not said, that stand behind the words. By saying this, you are saying to the birth mother, "Which means I am inherently better than you in some form or fashion. You are flawed as a parent."

3. "You should move on and let the adoptive parents live their life." (Or any variation of being an intrusive birthmother.)
This was a contribution by many of the birth mothers involved in the forum thread. This was my own personal beef as well. A favorite uncle of mine, no longer a favorite, said this to me at my wedding reception. Yes. As I was in a wedding dress, with my daughter's Mom as a bridesmaid and the Munchkin toddling around the hall. Not only was it inappropriate as he is not involved in the decisions that go into making our adoption work, but the timing was absolutely, 100% wrong. Want to question a birth parents motives or reasons? Don't do it at her wedding. Sheesh!

2. "At least his adoptive parents wanted him!"
Saying this is assuming that his birth parents did not want him or didn't care enough to parent him. Wrong and wrong. Many birth parents would have given their left leg if it meant they could have parented their child. Some were coerced into placing. Some felt that, due to many reasons that created a crisis situation in the first place, they had no other option. Some desperately wanted to be everything to their child but wanted something more in the way of family or a better start in life. It is true that the adoptive parents wanted the child. Yet in so many cases, so did those birth parents.

1. "Didn't you love your child?"
This one stabs each and every birth mother in the center of their hearts. Perhaps it comes from trying to understand how a mother could make a choice to let someone else parent her child. Perhaps it comes from never having faced a crisis situation, one in which you feel completely helpless. But every last birth mother I have spoken with has told me that, even in the craziest of crisis situations, they loved their child. I loved the Munchkin from day one, even though that day also ranks as one of the scariest days of my life. Don't ever forget that a birth mother is still a mother. Provoke her and she will fight to the death to protect her child. Tell her that she doesn't love that child and you're at least going to see her get mighty angry.

I'm not sure what it is about the subjects of pregnancy and adoption that make peoples' personal lives fair game for rude comments and inappropriate questions. However, they happen. Perhaps looking at this list, birth parents could equip themselves with answers that respectfully put the ask-er in their place. Perhaps those who aren't birth parents and are reading this list could ponder some of these and know what to avoid when engaging in discussion with a birth parent regarding their child.

In short: respect those you are talking with, no matter their association with the triad. Just because you don't understand doesn't mean you can't attempt to be respectful. And if you offend someone, apologize. And mean it!