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Continued from Part One, the top five statements/questions continue to cut a little deeper into a birth parent’s heart and soul.
5. “Did you give up your baby because you didn’t know who the father is?”
Sometimes I wonder if the person asking this type of question truly realizes that they just used a more polite way of saying, “Hey! You’re a big whore!” Beyond making comments about a woman’s sexual history, which the statement maker may know nothing about, it feeds into the stereotype that birth parents are sexually promiscuous. Just because someone became pregnant outside of marriage (which isn’t even true for all birthmothers!) doesn’t mean that they were a sexually rampant woman.
4. “I could NEVER give away my child.”
This one often cuts to the core of a birth mother because of the statements, not said, that stand behind the words. By saying this, you are saying to the birth mother, “Which means I am inherently better than you in some form or fashion. You are flawed as a parent.”
3. “You should move on and let the adoptive parents live their life.” (Or any variation of being an intrusive birthmother.)
This was a contribution by many of the birth mothers involved in the forum thread. This was my own personal beef as well. A favorite uncle of mine, no longer a favorite, said this to me at my wedding reception. Yes. As I was in a wedding dress, with my daughter’s Mom as a bridesmaid and the Munchkin toddling around the hall. Not only was it inappropriate as he is not involved in the decisions that go into making our adoption work, but the timing was absolutely, 100% wrong. Want to question a birth parents motives or reasons? Don’t do it at her wedding. Sheesh!
2. “At least his adoptive parents wanted him!”
Saying this is assuming that his birth parents did not want him or didn’t care enough to parent him. Wrong and wrong. Many birth parents would have given their left leg if it meant they could have parented their child. Some were coerced into placing. Some felt that, due to many reasons that created a crisis situation in the first place, they had no other option. Some desperately wanted to be everything to their child but wanted something more in the way of family or a better start in life. It is true that the adoptive parents wanted the child. Yet in so many cases, so did those birth parents.
1. “Didn’t you love your child?”
This one stabs each and every birth mother in the center of their hearts. Perhaps it comes from trying to understand how a mother could make a choice to let someone else parent her child. Perhaps it comes from never having faced a crisis situation, one in which you feel completely helpless. But every last birth mother I have spoken with has told me that, even in the craziest of crisis situations, they loved their child. I loved the Munchkin from day one, even though that day also ranks as one of the scariest days of my life. Don’t ever forget that a birth mother is still a mother. Provoke her and she will fight to the death to protect her child. Tell her that she doesn’t love that child and you’re at least going to see her get mighty angry.
I’m not sure what it is about the subjects of pregnancy and adoption that make peoples’ personal lives fair game for rude comments and inappropriate questions. However, they happen. Perhaps looking at this list, birth parents could equip themselves with answers that respectfully put the ask-er in their place. Perhaps those who aren’t birth parents and are reading this list could ponder some of these and know what to avoid when engaging in discussion with a birth parent regarding their child.
In short: respect those you are talking with, no matter their association with the triad. Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to be respectful. And if you offend someone, apologize. And mean it!
Thanks for sharing, Jenna. Some of the comments I’ve heard as an adoptive mom, speculating about birth parents, but some are just SO shocking, like “Didn’t you know who the father was?” Wow. What a slam. Again, thanks for being open.
Holly
I wrote this blog back in March about me being judged a woman of loose morals.
http://ukraine.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/single-don-t-know-the-daddy-s-name
I think there is a societal expectation set up by various “popular” studies. It goes…. single families don’t do as well as married families. Their children do drugs or fail school.
Single parents (mainly women) can judged harshly.
Because I am a single mom (and I don’t go around explaining my daughter is adopted), I get judged… and have gotten some comments that communicate
“Hey! You’re a big whore!”
Just last week I was scolded by a married man (email list). I should get married so my daughter can have the proper male role model in her life.
Married was the only way to parent.
What in the world made this man THINK that I wanted his advise. He trotted the old sterotype that my child won’t be a successful adult (another way of saying drugs/fail school).
Angela, what you have just outlined so well in your post is exactly the rationale that led me to surrender my child.
I could kick myself for how stupid and blind I was back then.
Great list Jenna! Angela, I get really sick of people always moaning about “broken homes.” The son I raised was much better off after a divorce being raised mainly by me.
Heather, I hear you – I feel the same way – blind, stupid – sometimes want to kick myself.
Holly; yes! Many adoptive parents had shared that they had been asked similar questions about their child’s birth parent. Why are people so rude AND dumb. Gah!
Angela (and Heather and Jan); Oh yes, I fall right into that category of buying into that line of thinking, hook, line and sinker. I beat myself up about it now but, can’t do anything about it. My friends who are single Mothers do a great job. I’m sorry you’ve encountered the same stereotype. It sucks, all around.
As an adoptive mom I get some of these rude questions or statements myself directed at my children’s birthparents.
The other day at school I was talking to an employee there and when I mentioned my son’s upcoming birthday, I also shared that his birthmom had good news about a new baby she is expecting. The employee comes back with a flipped up nose and the remark, “Well doesn’t she know HOW that is happening, so she can put a stop to it? I mean what are these people thinking?”
Needless to say I was pissed!
After I put my fist in my pocket (for her safety) I let her know that P is happy and we are happy for her. She is a working hard and an itellegent young lady who will be a super mom to our son’s half sibling. P is a terrific girl who speaks three languages and managed to get herself through school in a third world country and scholarship her way to college in the US.
The employee could learn a thing or two from P, if she shut up long enough to hear.
Jenna, you’re right, people do seem to think that adoption makes people fair game for asking questions of those of us in the triad. I get asked rude questions a lot, but those questions really take the cake!
I have been asked questions about Nate’s birthmother too, as far as what we know about her. Some people just make assumptions also. A close member of my own family once said something to the effect of her “getting rid of him.” I held it together enough to not go ballistic but made my displeasure known. Sheesh!!
Good list, Jenna. It’s amazing what people think is fair game in the world of adoption. Never ceases to amaze me how callous and crass people can be. And completely uninformed.
Going along with number 5… when I discovered I was pregnant, Jeff had a coworker ask him, “Is it yours?” I think he was kidding, but… GAH!
Jenna, I have also had the “move on with your life” comment and let the afamily get on with their life. It has come from my father and even the amother said that my bdaughter said that I needed to get on with my life when she was about 10. Hmmm…I am unsure what context my bdaughter’s comment was said. But this comment does hurt because I thought it was very obvious that I had moved on with my life! I walked away from the ugly obsessive relationship I had with the bfather, moved town, even lived in different countries, travelled, changed careers, got further education and finally met a good man and got married and had more children. Heck I even changed the color of my hair a few times as well as the style…I am unsure exactly where I have stagnated in my life…perhaps I should ask the next person who passes that comment to me.