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My co-blogger Jan has covered the top ten things not to say to a birth mother in reunion. Coley has talked about what not to say to an expectant mother considering placement. So why do we need another list? While some of these core ideas will overlap both closed and open adoptions, some are unique. And just as offensive!
I posed the question on the forums and got some interesting answers. The following list is not necessarily in order from least to most offensive but we were close to unanimous on the Number One Hated Thing to Say. Read on!
10. “So, if you get pregnant again, will you give them that baby, too?”
9. “It’s so nice of the parents to let you see their child.”
I’ve heard from quite a few birth parents that the response they wanted to fling back at the offender rang something like, “Yeah, just like it was so nice of me to give them my child.” Speaking from our personal experience, J & D don’t think they’re simply being nice by letting me see the Munchkin. They honestly believe that my presnece will benefit her in the long run.
8. “How much did you get for the baby?”
As in money! Payment! For a child! This is the flipped coin side of the question adoptive parents are often privvy to: “So how much did you pay for the baby?” Not only is this one morally and ethically offensive, it’s also illegal. Which leads us to the next trio of statements, all rolled into one.
7. “How long have you been clean?” or “Did you ever finish your high school education?” or “How many times have you been in jail?”
Apparently people associate birth parents with drug addicts, criminals and people who never graduated high school. These stereotypes are not only a slap to one’s self-esteem but absolutely ludicrous. Refresh yourself with the findings about who birth parents are in the recent Even B. Donaldson Adoption Institute Birth Parent study.
6. “If you were just going to give the baby up, why didn’t you have an abortion?”
For some birth mothers, this is a highly inflammatory question and don’t blame me if they come out swinging. Abortion, like adoption, is a highly charged, highly debated subject. Suggesting that a woman who carried a child to term should have just had an abortion is most often insulting her on some pretty core levels. Beyond that, abortion versus adoption debates are often an apples versus oranges topics.
Stay tuned for part two. Bring your rotten tomatoes!
I wa just going to write about number 10! LOL And I sometimes respond the way you mentioned in number 9 depending on my mood!