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In reading about reunion, I found several references to the fact that often the two parties in reunion may regress. The theory is that they regress back to the age that they were separated. Most often this means the birth mother would regress to her late teens or early twenties, and the adoptee would revert back to infancy. As time goes on in reunion, they hopefully grow and eventually catch up to their real ages.
One source that I read about reunion mentioned that there are four people present at a reunion between a mother and her child. The participants include the woman at her present age, the woman at the age she relinquished, the adoptee at her/his present age, and the adopee at the age that they were relinquished. Sounds a tad confusing, right? I believe that it could be. Reunion is tough enough with two people, but, with four?
For a birth mother, to regress may mean that she is 16 years old again, feeling scared, insecure and unsure of herself. She feels powerless as though she has no control. Whether it is actually true or not that regression occurs, I certainly know that reunion does make one remember how they felt when they relinquished. Most of the birth moms I know who relinquished in the 60’s as I did, felt frightened, confused and lacking in self esteem. They loved their babies and wanted the best for them. For some, either believing adoption might be for the best, or being told that it was, was very damaging to their self-esteem.
During reunion, all those feelings of “not being good enough” to parent may resurface, the feeling of being a failure for not being able to find a way to parent is recalled as well. For some birth moms, there may be an identity crisis that I imagine may be similar to what adoptees sometimes experience.
At reunion, a mother’s past may be in conflict with the person she is today. One of her tasks is to incorporate who she was back then into the person she has become. For many of us, it is a daunting task. Revisiting the past shakes ones confidence and sense of self. However, if we are to grow, heal and find some peace through reunion, we have to become “unstuck”. While it is inevitable some of those painful times from the past will always color our lives to a degree, to heal we must not remain ‘stuck in the sixties”, or whatever era adoption became part of our lives.
