Sometimes in this thing we call open adoption it is easy to get dragged down into all of the things that make us sad. I know that I do. Today I was having an ice cream and I thought, gosh I wonder if I will ever get to take my son for ice cream. Chances are pretty good that someday I will and I remembered that and attempted to not have another negative thought about it.

Sometimes when you grieve something like the loss of a child to adoption it is hard to remember that there are good parts about open adoption as well. Some of the things we lose are things that we gain. I may not have gotten to take Punkin for ice cream with us tonight, but I bet I will get to take him for ice cream on one of our visits. So things could be worse, I could not see him at all.

I forget that sometimes, when my band aid is coming off over my heart, I could not see him at all. It is hard to see him, it is hard to hear progress reports, but I would be a wreck if I didn’t. I love to find out how he is, even if it does make me jealous.

Jealousy, that would be a good word to describe what I feel a lot of the time when it comes to placing my Punkin. I am jealous of his adoptive parents. Jealous that they were in the right place and time to parent my Punkin. Jealous that they have him now, even though we chose them. It is something I am working on putting behind me as well, although I doubt I ever will. I try to stay positive. We did choose them after all. They love our Punkin very much. Those are all positives and things that I try to focus on.

So focusing on the positives is what I try to do, no matter how hard that may be sometimes. My Punkin is loved by many people and is growing up in a good home with good parents. I can’t ask for much more than that given the situation.