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Problems and hard times can fall on any family. No matter how the people contained within the family unit came together, they are not exempt from things like health problems and financial issues. Unfortunately, as a birth parent, even in the most open of adoptions, when things happen to your child’s adoptive family, you can feel absolutely helpless.
Especially if you are an inherently helpful person, watching your child’s family falter through their own hardship can be difficult. Sometimes, especially when it comes to handling health related concerns, you simply are unable to do anything to change the situation. Accepting that and knowing that your child will be dealing with a rough transition as the family goes through a hard time can be emotionally daunting.
While you don’t have a magic wand that will magically produce a pile of cash or remove the unhealthy physical symptoms, you can do a few things that may help you feel less helpless. Many times throughout the healing process, birth parents of all kinds mention that they felt as if they had no power to control what was going on in their lives. Realize that your child’s adoptive family may currently feel that way and try to put yourselves in their shoes for the time being.
Gauging where you are in your open relationship with the family can best lead you through deciding what is and is not an appropriate course of action. The following hints and tips may help you decide what would be the best thing for you to do, if anything, at this time. If your level of openness does not include things like visits or an open exchange of ideas without emotional consequences, now may not be the time to try to open those doors. Remember what it is like to be acting in the midst of crisis mode and proceed with caution.
1. If you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they will not accept any financial offers (from you or the Pope!), do not offer. Beyond that, if you are unable to offer any amount of money, do not feel guilty or beat yourself up.
2. If you have the ability (time and money), ask if now would be an appropriate time for a visit not simply for your benefit but to take the kid(s) off of the parents hands for an hour or two, to lend a shoulder to cry on or to take their own minds off of the issues at hand over a pleasant dinner. Offer to have them to your home as well as an offer of an “escape,” if only for a day or two. Realize that the offer may be turned down to keep chaos to a minimum at this time and do not take offense. Again, put yourselves in their shoes.
3. Send cards, letters and other things to let them know that you are thinking about them and rooting for them to pull through this situation. Unexpected cards (think funny ones!) can lift one’s spirits on what otherwise looks like a dark and dreary day. Flowers are also a nice option. Other things could be a CD of inspirational songs, a movie that you had been meaning to share with them or a picture taken from your last visit.
4. Don’t forget the kids during this time. While your thoughts may be structured around making sure the parents are dealing well with everything going on in their lives, the children are also going through this time in their own way. Especially if visits have to be rescheduled because of the recent things, make sure to send them letters and cards to let them know you are thinking about them during this time. (Don’t forget your own parented children who may be wondering why you’re not seeing their sibling’s family!)
Even if the above suggestions (of which there are many more) seem out of the league of your contact, letting the adoptive family that you are thinking about them during this time and available if they need any kind of help may be all you need to do to lighten their spirits. In the midst of hard times, it is nice to know that others honestly care about the well-being of you or your family. Letting them know that you’re rooting for them and that, in the end, you’ll be there no matter the outcome can be a weight lifted off of an adoptive parent’s shoulders.
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For more on adoptive parent and birth parent relationships, read:
1. Tips on Communicating Within the Triad.
2. Regarding Space: Don’t Leave it Open Ended.
3. How To Get Along with Each Other by Jan Baker.
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Photo Credit.
Good post. After we adopted our son my husband lost his job and our girl’s birthfamilies gifted us funds to help us through. It was appreciated and a very kind gesture.
Deb; I’m glad to hear that. As we’re dealing with J’s illness(es) right now, I’m trying to find creative ways to support D and the kids.
Those are all very thoughtful suggestions, Jenna, and I would think they would really bring a measure of comfort to the family…good post.