This term is often heard throughout the adoption world.
We consider some birth fathers as merely ‘Sperm Donors’. Why? Well, because many of us believe that all we got out of the relationship or from the man was his sperm. Sometimes that’s all he cares to give, and sometimes we don’t know him well enough to expect much more. More often than not, we use this as a very negative term.
I like to refer to my baby’s biological father as a ‘birth father’. Many would consider him a Sperm Donor because he was not at all involved in my adoption process (except when he helped complicate things) and has never even seen a picture of her. But, he knew about her and I know that he loved her (or at least the idea of her). I hope he still thinks about her and t hat maybe someday he will change his life enough so that they could have some sort of relationship.
I was once very in love with him and so I had that desire for us to be a family. It was hard to let go of that idea and grieve the loss of that as well as the loss of my daughter. I chose for him to not be involved. I told him he didn’t really have a say in my choice, because he wasn’t taking any sort of responsibility. But, because of that, I consider him her Birth Father and not my sperm donor. I know he could have done much more to be involved and took some initiative, but I knew he wouldn’t. That’s not his personality, unfortunately. But, at the same time I am glad things worked out the way they have, because I know it was best for my baby. Also, it was the only way I could guarantee that I would never go back to him.
Here’s to sperm donors and birth fathers that don’t stand in the way of adoption (whether they mean to or not) !