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I posted yesterday about surviving the milestones that your child goes through without your knowledge or your presence. Then I got to thinking: what are the hardest milestones for birth parents? I decided to ask on the forums. As you can imagine, just about everything was covered.
The first year brings a bunch to mind. Things like the first time they slept through the night, the first real smile (or even the first “fake” gas smile!) or the transition to real food. There’s the first tooth, the first steps and the first words. There’s the delight in watching a child learn how to play with toys and how he interacts with his caregivers. I knew one adoptive parent who said, “Well, at least you don’t have to deal with those first tantrums.” Truth be told, to a birth parent, even a tantrum is something that seems worth knowing about or witnessing.
One mother mentioned that she realized each of these milestones as she parented three more children after the relinquishment of her firstborn. Each and every milestone (which, in the early days, seems like each and every day) was a reminder of things that she had missed with her placed child. I can attest to feeling that way with Nicholas as well. It was very hard and was a catalyst in seeking out therapy.
The milestones don’t stop with that first birthday. Many listed the first day of school. Things like first crushes and graduations were also mentioned. Getting a driver’s license! One mother mentioned her son graduating from the same university her husband -slash- son’s biological father had gone to and graduated from years prior.
The point? Each mother has a list of things that she really, really missed missing in her child’s life. For each mother it was different though similarities ran through the group. This is another thing, the grief that accompanies missed milestones, that they don’t discuss with expectant parents before they place. It’s an after-the-fact learning process that can suck the life out of a first parent whether the adoption is open or closed. The important thing to remember is that you are not alone in your grief.
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For more, read:
2. Other Views on the Time Debate.
3. Parenting After Placement: Milestones and Mothers.
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Photo Credit.
