Comments on: Should You Watch 16 & Pregnant Tomorrow Night

By: Teenage Parents: How Do You Know What’s Better? — Hoping to Adopt

Teenage Parents: How Do You Know What’s Better? — Hoping to Adopt — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:38:33 +0000

[...] in June, Jenna wrote a post about the 16 & Pregnant finale. The comments to that post made it onto my list of unpopular opinions to blog. One question was: [...]

By: thomasina

thomasina — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:34:52 +0000

You make a lot of assumptions about my feelings and beliefs, chinamomof4.
I am not angry with adoption as a concept. Nor did I say adoptive families have superior attitudes. I said that society is prejudiced against unmarried, young and socioeconomically poor people raising children. Society would rather see the children of people in these categories transferred to people who are married, older and, at least, middle class than to provide resources for the people in the first category to parent effectively. Things do not change that would help people like Tyler and Catelynn (and others in the first group) to parent because the political power to transform them is in the hands who have invested in and benefit from the way things are. As a result, people continue to make decisions to place, not because they are “mature” but because they either have been made to feel they aren’t good enough to parent their own children or because they feel they have no choice (economically). It really does makes a sham out of our supposed democratic principles. That’s what makes me angry.

By: chinamomof4

chinamomof4 — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 21:01:46 +0000

Thomasina,
Of course I have no idea if the adoptive parents will always be able to provide a stable environment. What was clear to me, however, was that Catelynn and Tyler did not feel their own families could provide that stability, so they made it their goal to find a family that they felt was the best choice for their daughter's future. Was it easy or fair for them to have to do this? Of course not. I still believe they were very mature about what was best for the baby and showed a lot more maturity than their parents.

Yes, I do think the grandparents were selfish. They clearly made poor choices in their own lives--moving a lot and going to prison--so it is naive to expect that they would be able to give their grandchild what they couldn't give their own children. Catelynn and Tyler realized that and I think it was a major part of why they chose adoption.

I'm sorry that you seem to have so much anger about adoption. I haven't walked in your shoes or shared your experiences, but I will say that I did not adopt my four children because I felt I was better than their birthparents. No adoptive family I've ever known has shown that superior attitude. My husband and I adopted because we wanted children and chose children who needed a home. Might something awful happen to us someday? I don't know. But are we a better bet for our children's future than what they faced without us? Yeah, I think we are.

Peace out.

By: thomasina

thomasina — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:27:07 +0000

chinamomo4f,
With no offers of resources to help them parent, either from the show or the state, it is understandable that Catelynn and Tyler would feel they could not offer their daughter “stability” and had no option other than to place her. You are kidding yourself if you think socioeconomic status has nothing to do with these decisions. I’m not saying that adoptive parents are rich, but a given the hefty expenses involved in adopting children these days, they generally aren’t in the impecunious category in which parents in crisis pregnancy often find themselves.

The whole notion of “stability” is most definitely rooted in socioeconomic status and the adoption fantasy our society buys into, involving a middle class, married mommy and daddy. Children are often split from their families and placed by mothers and fathers who have little money and feel helpless. The reality is that you have no crystal ball. You have no idea whether or not the adoptive parents will provide “stability.” They may become ill and die, divorce, lose their jobs and home, or just not be good parents. You hae no way of knowing whether or not Catelynn and Tyler would have resented each other and fought had they parented WITH resources. Further, it’s interesting to me that you characterize other people (e.g. the grandparents) who don’t buy into the fantasy and who want to preserve the child’s birthright to her family as being selfish and immature. WOW.

By: chinamomof4

chinamomof4 — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 03:47:02 +0000

I can't give an informed opinion about whether the camera was a factor in Catelynn and Tyler's decision to go through with the adoption. I will say that I have seen other adoption reality shows where the birth mother did change her mind and keep the baby, with both good and not-so-good results.

No one can predict the future. It was clear to me that Catelynn and Tyler were looking for stability for their daughter. They were smart enough to realize that their familes could not provide what they felt their daughter deserved. Socio-economic class had nothing to do with it. The key moment was Tyler telling his father, "Not good enough for my daughter."

It was also clear to me that the grandparents were selfish, immature, and thinking only of their own loss. The fact that they had screwed up their kids' lives made it clear that they were in no way capable of giving their granddaughter a stable, supportive environment. They were not suddenly going to turn around and be different people.

Finally, I give Catelynn and Tyler a tremendous amount of credit for making their decision. They were the most mature and down-to-earth couples I've ever seen on this show. It was nice to see a couple that was brought closer together through the pregnancy, instead of ending up fighting and resenting each other. Tyler was awesome, and truly a refreshing change from most of the boys (I won't give them enough credit to call them men) on this show. I hope they will stay together and be able to raise a family someday. I have high hopes for them!

By: thomasina

thomasina — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 10:19:18 +0000

Kahoiam,
How do you know placement was what was BETTER for the baby? What is better, after all? How is that determined and by whose standards? Where do parents have to fall on the social continuum to be judged good enough or worthy enough to parent their own babies? Should the poor and disenfranchised mothers and fathers in Third World countries surrender their children to the nearest financially stable and socially appropriate (by our standards) couple in a developed country? Oh, and do you have a crystal ball? Do you know that the adoptive parents will be good parents? Do you know they will stay married and healthy? Do you know the adoptive parents don’t just “think” they can raise a baby, but really just end up just fighting with each other? Do you know they won’t lose their financial stability in an era of economic downturn and rampant foreclosures? Do you know the child will receive an education? Do you know the child won’t end up with abandonment issues?
I think the answer is NO.
Coercion can take many forms. Keenly felt prejudice against young or poor parents (It will be “better for the baby”, “such a good head on your shoulders for making this unselfish decision”), creates guilt and uncertainty. Couple this with no real offering of support and the pressure of a television camera and the result is a decision with an uncertain outcome not made objectively at all.

By: kahoiam

kahoiam — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 18:33:45 +0000

When I watched this episode I was almost crying. I really felt for both the young parents who seemed to have much better heads on their shoulders than both their parents. I do feel as though the camera probably added a lot of much unneeded pressure to the situation, but at the same time they ended up doing what I feel was the right decision for the baby. It was a lot more heartbreakingly sad and emotional than most of this series other trainwreck episodes where the kids think they can raise the babies, but mostly just end up fighting with their parents.

By: thomasina

thomasina — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:50:03 +0000

Grizzy777,
The situation that was presented on MTV may have resonated with you. That does not mean that the presence of the camera was not a coercive force in the case of Tyler and Catelyn. Nor does it change the fact that despite the vast resources at the disposal of television programs (advertisers, etc) and the more modest, but still existing social resources, there wasn’t much presented to Tyler and Catelyn in the way of support for a parenting decision. So, I would say that it was a somewhat truthful portrayal of the circumstances that lead people to place (playing field skewed in favor of adoption because resources and other support isn’t offered) coupled with extreme pressure due to the camera. However I would not agree that birthparents, in general, feel good about/are proud of their decisions. They generally (and I’m one and have known thousands, so I can generalize) feel they had no CHOICE under the circumstances.

By: grizzy777

grizzy777 — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 15:45:23 +0000

I watched this show because of Jenna’s blog. I’m a 47 yo first mom in reunion w/my 24 yo daughter, L. I found this show to be very true to my experience. Some things have changed in recent decades (meeting aparents for example), but the thought processes and feelings those kids went through were right on the money, whether they were in front of cameras or not. I’m sorry that many will disagree with me, but I’ve always been proud of my decision to let L’s folks raise her, which not only allowed her opportunities and experiences I would not have been able to give her, but allowed me to have opportunities and experiences I would not have had if I were a single mom. I wish Catelyn and Tyler all the best, and thank them for sharing their experiences with the world, so that other young people in similar situations can see a truthful portrayal of the option of adoption.

By: abensonslaton

abensonslaton — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:49:29 +0000

It’s not the first time MTV has done this. They had a true life episode about adoption and BTW most of the moms changed their minds under the fishbowl of the tv. Every person is unique in this case sounds like they placed. Can get the episode of true ife on itunes if you are interested in it.