Comments on: Sharing Your Story with Expectant Parents http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent/comment-page-1#comment-3394 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 18 Aug 2008 12:03:21 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/07/31/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent#comment-3394 "You can't live in the past forever."<br /> <br /> Find me one post on this blog in which I suggest such a thing. Furthermore, your wording is crass at best. I don't live in the past myself. I have chosen to make my daughter part of my present. “You can’t live in the past forever.”

Find me one post on this blog in which I suggest such a thing. Furthermore, your wording is crass at best. I don’t live in the past myself. I have chosen to make my daughter part of my present.

]]> By: djc0501 http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent/comment-page-1#comment-3393 djc0501 Sun, 17 Aug 2008 05:59:22 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/07/31/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent#comment-3393 I am a birthmother who gave up her daughter at 5 months of age when I was just 20 (I am now 38). My daughter is getting ready to turn 18 in November. I remember the first few weeks were the roughest. When I left the lawyers office from relinquishing Nicole, I almost got arrested for smoking in the subway car (fortunately my friend talked the cop out of it). I wouldn't come out of my room for 3 weeks afterwords. My father finally dragged me out, made me get showered and dressed, and took me out for a drink. He told me that I had to get on with my life, or what I had done was for nothing. He reinforced the reasons I gave her up for adoption in the first place: a better life, things I was unable to provide (such as food, clothes, stability), and to protect her from her abusive birthfather ever finding her. I eventually found the strength to go get a job, an apartment without all the memories of her, and just tried to get through life one day at a time. I went and saw a counselor for grief counseling (losing a child to adoption falls under this area of expertise). She helped me come to terms with what I had done and the things in my past that had led me down that road. I had to deal with all my demons from the past before I was able to accept that I had done what was best for Nicole. I sought out the adoptive parents for pictures one time (they had been promised to me over the course of her life and 3 years had passed since the adoption). They sent the pictures, but looking at them has brought mixed feelings of pain and joy. I have never requested them again until now. Her birthday and the time I relinquished her are always difficult for me, but I just keep telling myself that I did what was best for her and she has a better life because of it. I sometimes wish I had requested/demanded an open adoption, but by the same token, I am not sure that seeing her would be any less painful. I would still want to take "my child" home with me and seeing her would probably prevent me from getting on with my life. You can't live in the past forever. I am not saying it should be forgotten, but sometimes it needs to be left in the past until the time is right. For me, I am hoping the time will be right as of Nov 7th and nothing would make me happier than to get a call from my daughter. I hope I made the right decision for her and that her life has been amazing. Sometimes, the best things in life are worth waiting for... I am a birthmother who gave up her daughter at 5 months of age when I was just 20 (I am now 38). My daughter is getting ready to turn 18 in November. I remember the first few weeks were the roughest. When I left the lawyers office from relinquishing Nicole, I almost got arrested for smoking in the subway car (fortunately my friend talked the cop out of it). I wouldn’t come out of my room for 3 weeks afterwords. My father finally dragged me out, made me get showered and dressed, and took me out for a drink. He told me that I had to get on with my life, or what I had done was for nothing. He reinforced the reasons I gave her up for adoption in the first place: a better life, things I was unable to provide (such as food, clothes, stability), and to protect her from her abusive birthfather ever finding her. I eventually found the strength to go get a job, an apartment without all the memories of her, and just tried to get through life one day at a time. I went and saw a counselor for grief counseling (losing a child to adoption falls under this area of expertise). She helped me come to terms with what I had done and the things in my past that had led me down that road. I had to deal with all my demons from the past before I was able to accept that I had done what was best for Nicole. I sought out the adoptive parents for pictures one time (they had been promised to me over the course of her life and 3 years had passed since the adoption). They sent the pictures, but looking at them has brought mixed feelings of pain and joy. I have never requested them again until now. Her birthday and the time I relinquished her are always difficult for me, but I just keep telling myself that I did what was best for her and she has a better life because of it. I sometimes wish I had requested/demanded an open adoption, but by the same token, I am not sure that seeing her would be any less painful. I would still want to take “my child” home with me and seeing her would probably prevent me from getting on with my life. You can’t live in the past forever. I am not saying it should be forgotten, but sometimes it needs to be left in the past until the time is right. For me, I am hoping the time will be right as of Nov 7th and nothing would make me happier than to get a call from my daughter. I hope I made the right decision for her and that her life has been amazing. Sometimes, the best things in life are worth waiting for…

]]> By: calsmom http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent/comment-page-1#comment-3392 calsmom Thu, 07 Aug 2008 14:37:59 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/07/31/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent#comment-3392 I believe Jenna has made some excellent points here. Anyone considering adoption does need to hear from many sides, on many levels. When we do any speaking on our open adoption, our son's bmom makes it sound like the best thing since cream cheese, but not without her grief. We have a very open adoption and we have chosen that. An open adoption requires trust and honesty. Silver's comment tears me up-to hear her open adoption go sour. DH and I are 100% committed to ours b/c we know it's best for our son, not to mention all of us that love him. Of course we have heard about aparents that would agree to anything to 'get' a baby. In fact, we know some. How do you get someone like that to be completely honest about what they want when it's not in their hearts? If you don't want 'a lot' of contact, that needs to be agreed upon in the beginning. Or you shouldn't be matched with those bparents. Just my two-cents. I believe Jenna has made some excellent points here. Anyone considering adoption does need to hear from many sides, on many levels. When we do any speaking on our open adoption, our son’s bmom makes it sound like the best thing since cream cheese, but not without her grief. We have a very open adoption and we have chosen that. An open adoption requires trust and honesty. Silver’s comment tears me up-to hear her open adoption go sour. DH and I are 100% committed to ours b/c we know it’s best for our son, not to mention all of us that love him. Of course we have heard about aparents that would agree to anything to ‘get’ a baby. In fact, we know some. How do you get someone like that to be completely honest about what they want when it’s not in their hearts? If you don’t want ‘a lot’ of contact, that needs to be agreed upon in the beginning. Or you shouldn’t be matched with those bparents. Just my two-cents.

]]> By: silver2983 http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent/comment-page-1#comment-3391 silver2983 Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:00:24 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/07/31/sharing-your-story-with-expectant-parent#comment-3391 I wish very much that I had been able to speak with some birth mothers before I gave up my daughter for adoption. I really had no idea what it could be like or what it could turn into. The group that we went through for the adoption didn't tell me anything more than "this will be a difficult experience for you". My adoption experience started off great, it was supposed to be an open adoption and I was supposed to get pics. It turned into a nightmare. The adoptive family stopped writing, and then after a year and a half, decided that they didn't want my daughter anymore and gave her up to a family I had never met. They didn't tell me anything until it was done with. <br /> I didn't understand that they had the right to stop writing me much less being able to give up my daughter again. I think that those considering adoption need to know that there are those adoptive families out there who are more than willing to keep open relationships with them, but that it can just as easily go the other way. I don't know if knowing that then would have affected my decision to give her up, but it would have been good to have at least been able to take it into consideration. I wish very much that I had been able to speak with some birth mothers before I gave up my daughter for adoption. I really had no idea what it could be like or what it could turn into. The group that we went through for the adoption didn’t tell me anything more than “this will be a difficult experience for you”. My adoption experience started off great, it was supposed to be an open adoption and I was supposed to get pics. It turned into a nightmare. The adoptive family stopped writing, and then after a year and a half, decided that they didn’t want my daughter anymore and gave her up to a family I had never met. They didn’t tell me anything until it was done with.
I didn’t understand that they had the right to stop writing me much less being able to give up my daughter again. I think that those considering adoption need to know that there are those adoptive families out there who are more than willing to keep open relationships with them, but that it can just as easily go the other way. I don’t know if knowing that then would have affected my decision to give her up, but it would have been good to have at least been able to take it into consideration.

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