In a recent post about reunion, Abby, adoptee blogger, mentioned that not all reunions are story book happy endings – or words to that effect. She talks about how birth mothers need to be reasonable and not expect too much from their children. I am paraphrasing her words here, but hopefully that is the general gist of what she meant. Read her post for the sake of accuracy.

I could not agree with her more. Over the past few years, I have met many birth mothers. Most of them are amazing women – courageous, accomplished and wise. I know less stellar birth mothers exist, I just rarely happen to meet them.

Some birth parents are impatient during reunion and have unrealistic expectations. A few expect their relinquished children to come back into their fold as if they had never been gone, and treat them as their other children do. That is an extremely unrealistic expectation.

In fact, I have confessed in posts before that in early reunion, I was at times a handful for my son to deal with; I doubt he would dispute that. During early reunion, I struggled with my needs and wants.

At one point in time, I realized that I needed to accept what my son was willing and able to offer me and let go of my unrealistic expectations. It was extremely challenging. I am stubborn, persistent and knew what I wanted. I finally realized that my neediness might drive my son away if I did not rein myself in somewhat.

Fortunately, I was able to calm down and learn to accept our relationship for what it was, and not what I necessarily wanted it to be. Although my son found me, his need for me appears way less than mine for him. He relates to people differently than I do as well.

Unrealistic expectations in reunions can definitely be "deal-breakers."

Further Reading:

The Ebbs and Flows of Reunion.

Reunion Relationships Take Time.



Photo by Jan Baker 2007