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For some people who are found by birth parents or their children, there is never a moment’s doubt that they want contact. Others may take some time to process the idea before reaching a decision. A contributing factor is whether or not you had considered the possibility of reunion.
Being found was a total shock for me, however, I decided quickly once I knew that my son wanted contact that I was eager for contact as well. Some birth parents and adoptees take some time to decide, and others refuse contact.
However, even once a reunion relationship has begun, doubts about continuing that relationship can enter into the picture. Most people separated by adoption who reunite will tell you that reunion relationships are extremely challenging. It is rare even in the best case scenarios for reunion to proceed easily with no rough spots along the way.
There are a number of reasons that reunion relationship are often problematic. There is a great deal of baggage that each party brings to reunion. How many walls and barriers that other person may have can greatly affect how easy (or hard)forming a relationship with them might be.
Reunion relationships are often extremely important to one or both parties. Either or both parties may be afraid of rocking the boat for fear the relationship will dissolve. The “walking on eggshells” attitudes may persist for a very long time.
Feelings get hurt in reunions, particularly in the beginning when no one quite knows what to expect or when one party has unrealistic expectations. Sometimes a curt remark, whether intended to hurt or not, may be devastating to the other party. There are many other possible slights that can deeply wound the other party.
Sometimes people find those hurtful slights or remarks so intensely painful that they might question whether or not the relationship is worth the pain. If there is a consistent pattern of hurtful behavior from the other party, there is even more likelihood that a person might consider ending a relationship.
There is a testing period in some relationships, and for those who can be patient and hang in there, the relationship might smooth out. For some, this never happens. The inevitable question is then whether or not to continue the relationship or not. It is a personal decision and one to be considered carefully.
Further reading:
Relationship Stages After Reunions.
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
Thank you for your article. I recently had a reunion with the son that I gave birth to in 1982. He has known since he was 6 that he was adopted.
We recently met/reunion in December and I met him, his wife and their new daughter.
I can not help but feel that things have changed since his babies birth, he seems more distant.
We had been communicating via email and a couple of phone calls until that point of meeting.
He made sure that he sent me a mother’s day card from the first year we reunited by email. This year I received my first Grandma card with his signature on it.
Please do not get me wrong, I treasure the fact that we got to meet at all, and am so very greatful for that.
I just feel lost and alone.
I know I signed away my rights when I placed him for adoption, it was never that I did not want him, but his birthfather beat me the last time that I saw him, when I was 6 months pregnant, and told me that when he was done that I would not be pregnant anymore. At the time the only way that I could be sure to keep him safe would be to sign away my rights, as that was the only way to terminate the birthfathers rights.
I have run into the birthfather a few times since then and he continued to threaten me physically and emotionally.
I am feeling very alone and lost right now. I do not know where my place is. It is like I have lost him all over again.
I had a hard time saying so long at the end of our visit, I felt that I was saying goodbye again for forever, he said it was just see you later, real soon. But his communication has been almost non-existant, and I know he is busy but he has always been busy and still found a minute or two to email.
Thank you for your article. I recently had a reunion with the son that I gave birth to in 1982. He has known since he was 6 that he was adopted.
We recently met/reunion in December and I met him, his wife and their new daughter.
I can not help but feel that things have changed since his babies birth, he seems more distant.
We had been communicating via email and a couple of phone calls until that point of meeting.
He made sure that he sent me a mother’s day card from the first year we reunited by email. This year I received my first Grandma card with his signature on it.
Please do not get me wrong, I treasure the fact that we got to meet at all, and am so very greatful for that.
I just feel lost and alone.
I know I signed away my rights when I placed him for adoption, it was never that I did not want him, but his birthfather beat me the last time that I saw him, when I was 6 months pregnant, and told me that when he was done that I would not be pregnant anymore. At the time the only way that I could be sure to keep him safe would be to sign away my rights, as that was the only way to terminate the birthfathers rights.
I have run into the birthfather a few times since then and he continued to threaten me physically and emotionally.
I am feeling very alone and lost right now. I do not know where my place is. It is like I have lost him all over again.
I had a hard time saying so long at the end of our visit, I felt that I was saying goodbye again for forever, he said it was just see you later, real soon. But his communication has been almost non-existant, and I know he is busy but he has always been busy and still found a minute or two to email.