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Sometimes in open adoptions one side loses contact with the other. This can be due to many reasons: work, school, and family just to name a few. An arranged break is one thing and can actually help promote a healthy relationship. However, falling off the face of the Earth is another and is an unacceptable move. No matter how hard open adoption is for us, as adults, not keeping continual contact will be even harder on the child. Children need continuity in life, especially in this thing called open adoption. Taking a break without arranging it is unacceptable, open adoption is child–centered not adult–centered.
If an unexpected break in contact has happened to you or because of you, there are ways that you can reach out to your child’s other family and re-establish that connection.
- Write them a letter. Writing a simple non-accusatory letter stating that you miss your child and his/her parents and wish to re-establish contact could be a wake-up call for the adoptive family. Just as birth parents often receive bogus advice often given by well-intentioned advice, it is possible they were advised to “leave you alone” and to “let you live your life.” It is possible that they don’t know that they are hurting you. That is why it is important to avoid an angry tone. Be gentle and kind. Remind them about any agreement you may have with them and remind them of your importance in your child’s life.
- Contact your agency. Some people are lucky enough to have agencies that stay involved throughout the duration of their child’s growing years. If you happen to be one of these people, please take advantages of their services. They can sit down with both parties and maybe work out a contact agreement if you need one, or remind the adoptive parents of an existing contact agreement. Again, keep it child-centered as it isn’t about you and your needs but about the importance of your child knowing where they came from: you.
- Give them a call. If you have been comfortable calling them up until this point, give them a call. They may not really even realize how much time has passed since your last contact. Just tell them that you miss them and your child and wanted to catch up with them. Keep it low key and non-accusatory. Keep it all about your child and not about you.
I know that I have repeated over and over to keep things about your child. That is the key, because open adoption is for your child, not for you. It is okay to be angry and hurt, work through those feelings before you contact your child’s parents. You won’t be doing them or yourself any favors if your angry and attack them when you try to re-establish contact.
In the end, reaching out first is hard. Doing so may result in rejection. However, you will have the peace of mind knowing that you did your part. I’ll talk about that rejection and how to appropriately process it at a later date. For now, know that, sadly, you are not alone. If you need some support in the light of a rejection such as this, please don’t hesitate to ask.
