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I’ve been silent about the title of this month. If you want to know my feelings on it, you can read my post from last year (as, once again, the President left a large group of people out of his proclamation). However, I’m all about raising awareness. That’s never been a secret. While my series on post-placement adoption agreements is doing that, I’d also like my readers to watch this video.
The video is a hard watch for me. For my Husband. And from the things I’ve been reading, for people in general. It’s not easy to watch mothers who are well-spoken, capable and successful talk about their pain at the loss of their children. It’s not easy to watch the tears fall. But necessary, I feel.
Too often, even recently here on the blog, birth mothers are written off as dysfunctional. They are seen as “less than” in all kinds of ways. They are often assumed to be uneducated and yet, these mothers debunk that myth rather well with things like highly advanced degrees under their belts. They speak of their other children. They talk about their experiences.
And they share their grief.
I’m a visual person in some ways. To learn something, I either have to do it “hands on” or I have to write it down in my own words to “see” the mental process of the new thing that I’ve learned take shape on paper (or, screen, in today’s world). I know that some people are intensely visual learners as well. Reading words may not “do it” for them as they try to learn about the experience of birth parents.
That’s why this video is so key to adoption awareness.
These mothers should be applauded for taking the time to share their hard-to-understand experiences with the general public. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like people to see me cry. If I’m going somewhere that might involve tears, like my own wedding, I will purposefully wear NON-waterproof mascara in hopes of tricking myself into being “strong” and not turning into a blubbering mess in front of a large group of people. When speaking about my adoption experience to a group of people or even just to a singular new person, I will avoid talking about various things so I don’t end up weeping.
These mothers didn’t spare details to save face. They shared the core of themselves. They shared the core of their loss. They didn’t hide behind a brave facade, and yet, they still came across as strong. That’s because, knowing a few of these mothers on a personal level, they are strong. Just broken in various ways.
So watch the video, entitled, “Real Mothers: The Faces of Loss.” And pass it on to those who might be curious about the birth mother experience. I personally applaud the inclusion of a “younger” mother from the open adoption era who has been scarred by lies, grief and loss as well. I think it brings it all into perspective.
Watch it. Raise your own awareness today.
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For more, read:
1. Comments When You’re Pregnant & a Birth Mother.
2. Decreasing Abortions Equals Increasing Adoptions?
3. National Adoption Month Makes Me Pout Every Year.
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Photo Credit.
I guess I would consider you part of an adoptive family. I don’t think that the proclamation leaves anyone out… unless you expected him to write out every single individual title – in that case he’d have to say something like “During National Adoption Month, we recognize the adoptive and foster families… including, but not limited to individuals who are adoptive and foster parents, adopted children, first mothers and fathers, step-children, children raised by extended family members, adults who have been adopted as adults, surrogate mothers, or anyone else an individual person feels is part of their family, regardless of blood-relation…etc. etc. etc.”
I mean, come on. That would be ridiculous.
If we’re going to talk about (and want, and work toward) progress, then at some point we have to recognize that to be part of a “group” means to accept a place in that group – and NOT to insist on a sub-group of the group in order to gain recognition.
A family is a family is a family. IMHO. Heck, I’ve always considered myself part of an “adopted family” long before I ever “adopted” or became an “adoptive mother”.
I think that many people recognize you as a part of an adoptive family, and I’m really surprised that you don’t consider yourself as such. Your adoption is so open and publicly acknowledged, how could you not consider yourself part of that family, which is this case, for this particular month, is defined as an “adoptive family”? I’d be perfectly fine calling it “National Family Awareness Month”, too, if that makes any difference
I strongly disagree. The proclamation reads as such:
It doesn’t say families. It says parents. And it names two different kinds of parents, addressing two different and separate titles. Yes, birth parents are left out.
Krissi – birth parents are clearly ignored in this case and I’m very surprised to hear you say otherwise.
National Adoption Awareness Month disregards one entire aspect of the experience.
- Heather
Jenna and Heather -
Alright, then I’m wrong.
Adoption is impossible without the birth parent role, period. While National Adoption Awareness Month is specifically targeted to bring awareness to those children currently waiting in Foster Care, it is become increasingly accepted to mean ‘adoption’ as a whole. That means, all over the United States today and every day this month, adoptive families are being urged to ‘celebrate’ a holiday that inherently ignores the role birth parents play in adoption.
While the proclamation has been adopted by the adoption community as a whole, the proclamation itself has not be adapted to include all sides of the triad, which includes two vital roles that are not even mentioned, that of the adopted person and the birth parents.
I support the initial intent of the proclamation and support National Adoption Awareness, but I do believe the current proclamation is lacking a great deal.
As for the comment that birth parents are part of the adoptive family, I can only say that that is one way you can trivialize the role they play and minimize them into oblivion. While in a perfect world, this “It Takes A Village” attitude would be shared by every man woman and child who walked the earth – this isn’t a perfect world and I’m a birth parent, not part of an adoptive family. Period.
So how do families work together to change that? Jenna do you have some links to those people can write to?
Quietly, I am sorry your own experience has not been an inclusive one. My kids birthfamily members ARE part of our family, wish that could be so for everyone.
Deb,
I am, thankfully, very involved and do consider myself part of my child’s adoptive family, but not to the exclusivity of omitting who I am in the adoption community.
A birth parent plays a significant role in adoption and that role should be recognized as itself.
It’s always wonderful when families are intertwined, but when someone is omitted from being recognized, it’s painful.
There are three sides in adoption, all three sides deserve equal recognition.
Deb; I’ve written the White House before about this issue. Nothing seems to make a difference. However, the contact info for the White House is all found here: http://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/
And the e-mail address is: comments@whitehouse.gov
If you receive a reply, I’d love to hear it. I’ve never received one!
I am happy to have read your post today, because frankly I thought the term “adoptive” did mean to include birth parents as well. Having read your (and others’) sentiments, I can understand your desire for a re-wording and more logical, broader inclusion.
What exact language would people encourage? Is it as simple as changing that quote to “adoptive and foster families “? Or “families involved in adoption and foster care?” Maybe if many write to the same place with the same request, it would begin to change the minds of those who could make a difference.
Jenna, Thanks for the link! If I get some response I certianly will share it.
Miriam; an all-inclusive kind of sentence might read, “all families involved in the adoption process.” It would be easiest to say, “all members of the adoption triad,” but the general public might not get the concept of “triad.” That said, saying “all families involved in the adoption process,” includes birth, adoptive AND foster parents.
If my brain wasn’t exhausted, I might think of a more “catchy” way to phrase it.
Miriam,
I’m not sure there is a good way to word it (although I think Jenna’s on the right track). Your average Joe does not seem to want to acknowledge that the children of adoption might have come from good, loving families. Therefore, no matter how you word it, 99% of the population isn’t going to make the connection that birthfamilies are involved in adoptive families.
- Heather
Heather,
I don’t know about that. Our extended family has been generally untouched by adoption and they do absolutely have some poor word choices and wacky preconceptions. But they aren’t thrown off, surprised, resistant or completely clueless about the concept of birthfamilies. They are even able to empathize with the grief and appreciate that it is no easy road; they will even listen and believe that it doesn’t always happen in the right way. I think the message is getting through, and because it’s logical that children are not born of thin air, it may not even be as hopeless as you think to show Average Joe the face of those “good, loving families”.
I was one of those Joes you mentioned, and I’ve learned alot.
miriam, I agree. I think most people do want to learn.
As much as I admire Heather, and I understand she has a different perspective, I can’t help but think that many who could learn must be scared away, by harsh and negative attitudes.
Jenna I thought of this blog when I read Gail Donofrio’s article titled “Giving child up for adoption takes untold courage”. Gail is a family court judge and is mainly writing about families coming through foster care.
http://www.democratandchronicle.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071112/OPINION02/711120334/1039/OPINION
Gail also said that “acknowledgment should also be directed to biological parents” as part of National Adoption Day.