November 27th, 2011
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question_markA recent online discussion that bashed Birth-First parents left me really irate for a moment,  but then I thought, what if she was right? What if I don’t matter? I can’t fully explain it but  the conversation dulled me. The content itself isn’t important but I wonder, will it matter that I love him?

I knowingly and with sound(ish) mind, signed my rights away to being anything but a blurb in his life. Everything else, all the pictures and phone calls, the once a year visits, those are gifts.

Yet I think about him every day, and I can’t even fathom not thinking about him, or sending him love in my thoughts and prayers. Where do I really fit? Where is the niche in the triad of adoption for birth parents? I feel like an after thought  and others think, wow, look what she did!

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I doubt my place or importance at the moment. I doubt the book I got him for his upcoming 3rd birthday, “Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You”, by Nancy Tilman. I wonder, is it OK for me to love him so much, so deeply?

I think I am coming to a place in my life, where it doesn’t have to define me anymore. I don’t know if this is about questions and doubts or acceptance.  It’s one day at a time, that’s for sure, and it doesn’t have to define me, because if I let my experiences define me, then I am holding onto the past.

So, I guess here I am.

I accept the things I cannot change. God, help me know the difference between what I can, and what I cant, and let me find my heart in you always.

I would not change the adoption and today, in the midst of some questions, and thought processes, I feel at peace, because I feel like things are making sense again. I think that we as a species often over complicate things, and sometimes we need logic and understanding to get through a situation, but these feelings defy logic.

Sometimes overcoming something is as simple as sitting around and hanging out to figure out where you belong, and sometimes it takes tears, prayer and toughing it out.

It is not always easy, but it is worth every moment being a birth-first parent. Someone called me beautiful once and I didn’t believe them, but I look at the choice of placing him, and I see something beautiful. He was a blessing and I accept my role in his life and for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy with who I am because of it.

In the end, after every doubt, it comes down to love..and when the hardest part is through, when doubt scrambles away, it is love that remains.

Love and be loved in return, because you deserve it.

Nellie J.

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