Birth Parents Blog, First Parents Blog - Protecting Your Heart in Adoption

05/22/07

Protecting Your Heart in Adoption

Posted by : Jan Baker in Birth-First Parent Blog at 01:10 am , 428 words, 146 views
Categories: Reunion, Relationship with Your Child

As I was still smarting from not hearing from my son on Mothers Day this year, I considered the whole concept of “protecting your heart.” During the time I have spent in the adoption community the last few years, I have discovered the fragility of many reunion relationships.

Even reunion relationships that have endured for many years sometimes seem to go awry. The prospect of a reunion relationship falling apart is one that causes uneasiness and concern for many reunited birth parents and adoptees. No one feels immune from rejection and/or a stalled relationship.

The last few years of my reunion relationship have been steady and comfortable. I felt at ease about our relationship and fairly confident that it would continue with no major hitches. And yet, at the back of my mind I know that could change at any time. However, I also had a sense of feeling that I could handle it as well if there was a retreat on my son’s part. I felt forewarned of the possibilities and prepared.

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Right now, I realize that strong woman façade is not quite as impenetrable as I believed it to be. I am still vulnerable when it comes to my relinquished son, and I suppose that he will always have some power to wound me. Protecting your heart is limiting and only partially effective.

As I ponder the concept of protecting your heart, I consider how common the concept is in many adoption scenarios. Birth mothers try to protect their hearts by severing the bond with their child, pretending that it is not significant. Loving a child that you have little ability to know or be with is a difficult challenge.

I think too about some children of adoption who have loved and lost parents, some who abused them. They must sometimes be tempted not to open their hearts again to love. Love is a risk and there is always a danger of being hurt by a loved one. Loving someone means that they have some power over you – power to hurt you - power to dissappoint you. How scary must it be for a child to put themselves out there and love after being rejected, abused or abandoned?

How difficult is it for anyone to allow themselves to love another human being knowing the risks involved? Reunion relationships have so much baggage attached to them that sometimes I marvel that any ever succeed. I am just grateful that mine has.

Further Reading:

Birth bonds

Reunion - Hearts on the Line.

Photo by Jan Baker

4 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: aimeew [Member]

I am in the early stages of a potential reunion. My son wrote me a letter telling me that he was excited about the opportunity to meet me and get to know me. He sent pictures and even a letter from his parents telling me things that he missed telling me in his letter. I was floored. I had been working on a letter, and actually got his first. I amended my letter, answering some of the questions he had. I was so excited. I sent my letter out the next day. I thought I would hear back right away. That was almost a month ago. I have gone through so many emotions in the last few weeks. It is so hard to wait. I keep thinking I wrote the wrong thing, or overwhelmed him. Other times I feel at ease about him "processing". I am trying not to have expectations, but it is hard right now. I thought I was following his lead.

I am really trying to protect my heart, like you say. It's funny, after years of "protection" this process has brought out vulnerabilities I haven't felt in a long time.

Permalink 05/24/07 @ 22:24

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

"It's funny, after years of "protection" this process has brought out vulnerabilities I haven't felt in a long time."

I sure do know how that feels - I felt the same way. Please know that whatever is taking your son some time probably has nothing to do with what you wrote. It probably is about his issues.

Protecting the heart is tough - and only partially effective. Waiting is hard - I feel for you! Hope he is in touch soon. Write back and let me know. Good Luck!

Permalink 05/25/07 @ 19:27

Comment from: aimeew [Member]

I have thought everyday, "this could be the day..." but I don't get too emotionally wound up anymore. I have no control over this. I am excited to talk to other women that understand the feelings I have right now. I don't feel alone, and I feel like I am getting a more realistic view about the reunion process each day. In a way, I am glad that he didn't call right away, as I know I wasn't at all prepared. I don't know that I will ever be completely prepared, but I do know that I am not naive about the implications (and complications) of going though with a reunion.

I live in an area that has little in the way of resources for adoption and the closest birthparent support group is about a 2 hour drive from my home. The internet is a perfect answer to get the support and understanding I have needed. Thanks for your response!!!

At his point, I am looking through the other blog topics and learning a lot about the process, and myself. We'll see where this journey takes us...

Permalink 05/26/07 @ 11:11

Comment from: aimeew [Member]

Well today was the day. We had our first phone call. It was so worth the wait. I feel so relieved. He is happy, healthy and it sounds like he has had a great life so far. Honestly, just knowing that has made all of the difference in these last few weeks. As a birth mother, it was always in the back of my mind. "Is he OK?" He is!! I cannot wait for the next step of the journey....

Permalink 07/12/07 @ 01:39

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