October 15th, 2006
Posted By:
Categories: Miscarriage

Rose MemorialAs a birthmother, I never expected to experience any issues with my reproductive organs. After all, I got pregnant unexpectedly with the Munchkin. People assume, all too often, that birthmothers just pop out kids left and right. I was told, more than once, by women experiencing the pain associated with today’s remembrance, that I would never know what it was like to experience the loss of a child.

If only those cruel words were right.

We didn’t know that we were pregnant. I started experiencing cramps and bleeding on a warm June day. I consulted with my Husband, who is also a paramedic, and then called my OBGYN. They had me come in the next day.

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I just thought something was wrong. I didn’t expect for my doctor to tell me, all in the same breath, that I had been pregnant and that the baby was gone. Forever. In fact, Josh hadn’t even accompanied me to the appointment. When I called to tell him, the shock was so evident in his silence and then in the tone when he finally spoke. My Husband is the jovial type but his words were laced with mourning.

I was told by certain Mothers deep in their loss that my grief was a slap in the face of those who had been through so much more. In my time of need, those who could have offered a shoulder turned their back on me because it was assumed that since I already had children, one of whom I “gave away,” that my grief was somehow less than theirs. My hurt was palpable. Yet I wasn’t free to grieve. Again thankful for my therapist here!

She encouraged us to pick a gender and name for our child. In my heart of hearts, I knew that our lost child was a girl. On the day in which we found out about and simultaneously lost our baby girl, my first rose bloomed. Thus we came up with Rose Angel. We had a memorial on our local State Park’s lake. We scattered rose petals from the same rosebush on the water. We said our goodbyes. We hugged. We cried.

I do not claim that our loss was worse than anyone else’s; it was our loss and it was awful. We are still experiencing the emotional fallout from the miscarriage as I am scheduled for surgery and a hysteroscopy at the end of this month. We are faced with the unknowns. We don’t know if we will be blessed with more children.

But we do know this. We have been blessed, in different ways by a Munchkin, a Nicholas who is, thank goodness, napping and a Rose. My Son has two sisters; one in Pennsylvania and one in Heaven.

Again, my heart goes out to those who even have an inkling of the pain a miscarriage brings to life and death. Sending hugs across the miles.

6 Responses to “Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Remembering Rose Angel”

  1. lahdh4 says:

    I am sorry to hear that you were not able to greive as you should have been able to.

  2. JudyK says:

    You have always had a right to grieve Rose Angel. Don’t let a bitter wrong-minded person deprive you of that.

    *hugs*

  3. Coley S. says:

    I was going to write about this today too! Hugs to you Jenna!

  4. Marmy_4 says:

    i think this rings true for not only the grief of losing a child durring pregnancy but different ways of losing a child threw adoption….my adoption isnt the ‘normal’ kind (placement in family) but my grief is not less then any other birthmother. and nor is yours! (((big hug)))

  5. Actually, in my personal experiences, I found the losses of my children, one to adoption and one to miscarriage, to be extremely different. I understand that all adoptions and miscarriages differ so I’m sure that son birthmothers may make that connection. I, personally, do not as they were so vastly different to me.

  6. thomasina says:

    I just found this post while procrastinating today and I wanted to weigh in.
    I married eight years after relinquishing my son. Because I experienced the loss of my first child on a day to day basis, I was eager to get pregnant right away. Silly me; I thought having a second child would ease the pain. Anyway, I did get pregnant right away and carried the “child” for nearly five months before miscarrying. I put “child” in quotation marks because it turns out that I had been carrying a blighted ovum, just a smear of tissue, rather than a developing fetus. For this smear of tissue, I had purchased a used dresser and refinished it; knit a sweater; crocheted an afghan and purchased tiny articles of clothing. I believed myself to be the object of a cruel joke God had played on me for relinquishing my son. This was my punishment. I grieved, but in a different way because this had not been a baby, just the intention of one?????
    Fortunately, my husband thought it a good idea to try again as soon as medically advisable and we did get pregnant with a beautiful daughter, now 27 years old. While having her did not cause the pain of the loss of my first child to end; did not erase the memory of the miscarriage, it end my fear that God would punish me for my “crime” by never allowing me to parent a child.

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