I didn't expect to have any emotional issues after Nicholas, my parented son, was born. He had been a planned pregnancy and, in my mind, that removed any of the things that I had experienced during and after my pregnancy with the Munchkin, my placed daughter. After all, what was I to feel depressed or anxious about? I was financially stable, married to an amazing man, working in my chosen career field and about to become a mother after having been denied that joy just a few years prior.

It should have all gone swimmingly!

Don't get me wrong. I loved my son the moment I laid eyes on him. He was perfect. In fact, he was so perfect in terms of head shape (roundness) that people kept asking me if he had been born via cesarean section. I would smile and inform them that, no, he had been born vaginally and he was just that perfect on his own. I was a very proud mother. Eight pounds, eight ounces is nothing to sneeze at! And the eyelashes! And the hair! And fingers! And toes! I was thrilled with his being.

And then, of course, we went home.

We had good times. Yes indeed we did. There was a massive amount of cuddling. I sang songs from the beginning, being the musical nerd that I am at heart. We read books from the very beginning, also being the book worm that I am by nature. We got used to one another. I learned his cues and cries. I fell into a routine and it worked well. My husband was a huge help (after he got over the flu!). Family and friends lent a hand when needed. It couldn't have been better.

But, oh, something was missing. And something was wrong.

I don't remember any specific moments in which I thought about harming myself or my child. But suddenly, as if out of no where, I was hit with a wall of immobilizing anxiety and thinly veiled anger. While I didn't take it out on our son, my husband did occasionally get hit with some of it. And me? Oh, I was downright ruthless with myself. If I didn't get a spit-up stain out of something Nick wore on the first wash, I would berate myself for my "lack of mothering skills." If Nick had a blow out diaper, well then, that was somehow my fault. I pushed myself, harder and harder, getting less and less sleep when I could have been getting more. (He slept through the night at two months of age.) And still, there was that something missing. (Yes, my daughter.)

I finally threw in the towel.

I called my insurance company. I inquired as to what mental health services were covered. And I spent two days calling therapists to ask if they had any experience with both birth parent grief and loss and postpartum issues. I found one. She's still my therapist today.

I almost canceled that first appointment a dozen times. Who likes to admit that something is wrong? Certainly not me! Yet I know that without her help, things would not be what they are today and I (we) would not be where I (we) am (are) today.

I did not have postpartum depression. Instead, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder which was being compounded with the normal postpartum hormonal fluctuation and my previously unaddressed adoption grief and loss issues. Truth be told, I had probably been dealing with the anxiety problem since late high school. It certainly made sense regarding previous issues that had been hard for me to understand. It also most likely addressed a lot of issues during my pregnancy with the Munchkin. While I had been able to function with the anxiety prior to this point, the full swing of postpartum hormones had sent me to my near breaking point. My only blessing is that both my husband and I recognized that something wasn't right and I went ahead and called for help. When those anxiety and hormonal issues were combined with the constant realization, through the daily parenting of my son, of everything I had lost with my firstborn, well, it just became too overwhelming. I missed my daughter. I missed functioning like a normal human being. I was in need of help to find some perspective, some healing.

I think that birth mothers need to be aware that they could have a more difficult time during their postpartum healing times with subsequent pregnancies. I personally believe that a lot of postpartum issues immediately following the placement of a child are too often masked by overwhelming adoption grief and loss. What could be considered abnormal for the mother who is parenting her child is thrown into the realm of "normal" for a mother who just relinquished her child. After all, it's a rather abnormal emotional issue in the first place. Doctors don't know what to look for or how to address the separate but equally devastating issues. When birth mothers go on to have other children, they need to be fully informed about postpartum issues in addition to the possibility that unresolved grief and loss issues may pop up at that most inconvenient time. Researching, learning others' experiences and trusting your own gut to differentiate between "I'm just tired" and "uh, something might be wrong" is key for birth mothers who go on to bring another child into this world.

It's hard but you are never alone.

I'm feeling somewhat nervous about how my anxiety will react to this upcoming postpartum time. Thankfully, due to my previous experience, I feel a little more prepared to notice some of my personal warning signs. Instead of waiting two months to get help, if something goes wrong, I will not hesitate to call my therapist. While I can still imagine this perfect postpartum setting, the truth remains that with my anxiety, something may go astray. Knowing my previous health history, I can be ready for it this time. (As can my husband!)

If you need help, please do not, for one second, hesitate to reach out and ask for help. You are not a failure for doing so. In fact, you are showing your strength by making that first step. You are never alone.

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Today is the BlogHer Blog Act for Mothers Act, "a bill introduced into the Senate by Senator Menendez of New Jersey that would provide for education about postpartum mood disorders for new mothers and their families, require healthcare professionals to screen new moms for postpartum mood disorders during the first year postpartum, and train those professionals on how to conduct proper screenings and care for women who are diagnosed with these illnesses." All around the blogosphere today, women and mothers are joining voices to bring awareness to postpartum issues. We've included this topic on the birth/first parent blog because of its importance to mothers of all kinds.

I chose to speak of my postpartum issues with Nicholas, as opposed to the Munchkin, on this blog because this blog is supposed to feature information pertinent to mothers who have already placed. I feel it is vastly important for first mothers who are planning to have more children to be aware that they are possibly susceptible to postpartum mood disorders. The more we talk about these issues, the more available this information will be to mothers dealing with things like this!

If you're interested, I did speak about my postpartum healing time after the Munchkin's placement over on my personal adoption blog. I encourage expectant mothers to check that out to be aware of some other potential issues (like denial!).

If you have something to add on the topic, please either post it on your own blog and come back to leave a link or leave a comment here. Also, if you'd like to discuss this further, please feel free to e-mail me at jennah at adoptionblogs dot com.

Together we can make a difference. Click over to read how you can help the Mothers Act by contacting your own senators.