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Imagine losing your child because your husband was a drunken gambler. Sounds like something straight out of a bad Lifetime movie, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, that has been the reality for a Chinese wife and mother for the past thirty-seven years.
You see, her husband, while drinking with a friend, said that if the child his wife was carrying ended up being a boy, well then, his drinking-buddy friend could have the child! You guessed it: the baby was a boy and the drunken, gambler decided he would stay true to his word. Eight days after their son was born, he was handed over to another family.
Anyone else having trouble blinking?
Of course, we must realize that we’re dealing with a completely different culture and mindset. I know many a birth mother, currently sitting in front of a computer saying, “Say what? She let him do what? And didn’t kill him? Heck no!” The mother explained it quite well:
‘I was very upset but I had no choice but to follow what my husband said. I was a traditional Chinese wife who was brought up to obey my husband.’
My heart does ache for her. She knew no better than to obey her husband. Even if he was a lousy, no-good… well, I shouldn’t go on. Of course, this mother goes on to talk about her husband by giving us the reasons behind his actions.
She said her husband, who died in March last year, was a man who believed in ‘jiang yi qi’ (Mandarin for integrity) and always kept his word. So he felt he had to honour the bet.
I’m sorry. In my book? Not giving away your child for really lame reasons seems to smack more of integrity than being a drinking, gambling, no-good… well, I shouldn’t go on. I understand not wanting to go back on your word. But usually when you impregnate your own wife, you’re giving your non-verbal “word” to not hand the child off to friends. It’s just the usual unspoken truth.
Of course, in every birth mother’s worst nightmare, these “friends” cut off contact with the family after the adoption, fearing they would claim him back. Nice! So not only was her husband a no-good-nick, so were his friends! Oh, my brain hurts.
And my heart aches.
Of course, this mother is searching for her son. She knows his surname (Ang) but has been unsuccessful in locating him. They can’t register because they don’t have his original birth certificate; it was handed over to the adoptive family. And what does this mother have to say about a potential reunion?
She said: ‘Even if we find him, I don’t have too much hope that he’ll acknowledge me. If he calls me ‘mother’, that’s good.
‘Otherwise, I’ll be happy just to know that he’s doing well.’
Yes, break my heart. I must say, her no-good-nick husband is lucky he isn’t alive or I’d be writing him a letter telling him what I thought about his actions. Instead, I’ll just hope and pray that this mother finds her son. I wonder if he knows that he’s adopted or the true story behind his placement?
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For more, read:
1. Another Near Adoption Miss in India.
3. Mother and Daughters to Stay Together.
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Photo Credit: ©Ajay Singh.
A poker game?!!! Did this man have a consciuos? How could he live with himself knowing he gave his away because of a poker game?? Unreal!
Though-just to put a little light on this post- I did try to give my sassy teenager to my neighbor for her garage sale the other day. I probably would have “stuck to my word” if she were willing to accept. She decline! Maybe she thought he wouldn’t sell very well.
I don’t know, a different culture doesn’t excuse it, I’m sure there are a lot of Chinese people who would find such a thing repulsive and very stupid like I find it.
What an idiot.
Though the title amused me slightly, that’s just wrong.
Chromesthesia; My “different culture” reference was in my OWN emotional response as a mother and a woman, not in the man’s action(s). I don’t think anyone, minus the couple that received and accepted the child, would condone what he did! The cultural reference was directly tied into the quote that she was just being an obliging Chinese wife. Many, many women in our society, myself included, can’t grasp that concept at all.