Planning a Wedding as a Birth Mother

I interviewed Breanna, a birth mother involved in a fully open adoption, regarding how adoption is having an effect on her wedding plans. Newly engaged with the wedding still some time away, she is smart enough to recognize some key issues regarding adoption and marriage and is addressing them ahead of time. For any birth parent in an open adoption planning a wedding or thinking of marriage sometime in the future, this interview is a must-read. Again, as situations vary from family to family, Breanna’s experience may not follow exactly how you will want to handle things. However, it never hurts to learn about your options!

I first asked Breanna if she had invited her placed daughter to the wedding. E, her daughter, will nearing six when the wedding day arrives. Her answer not only exudes her excitement but speaks to the relationships that are possible via open adoption when the proper work is put in by all parties.

My child is not only invited to my wedding, she is the flower girl in my wedding. On top of that, her mother is going to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. AND I am asking her dad to do part of the ceremony (he is a minister). So, they have not only accepted to be a part of this special day, they are going above and beyond and I would say that is due to our open relationship. We claim each other as family. And as family, we wouldn’t choose to miss these events (if at all avoidable).

As other birth parents make their plans to invite or include their child and the family to/in the wedding, I do remind them to take Breanna’s last words in that answer to heart: “if at all avoidable.” Do realize that, as a family, they do lead another life and other events may coincide with your special day. Informing the family of the date far in advance can help avoid a scheduling conflict.

While Breanna had already discussed her desire to have the family involved in the wedding prior to even being engaged, she did say that she felt a sense of excitement in formally asking them to be involved as it actually set plans in motion. Since the relationship is so open, I asked Breanna how other members of the wedding party, friends and family members might react to the presence and involvement of her daughter and her family. She acknowledged that some will have issue but she speaks to the importance that her daughter’s family plays in her life.

My family is involved in the open adoption and have also known that their family would be included as a part of this special day. Has everyone that will be at the wedding met my daughter? No. But, they do all know about her. Will their be periods of discomfort for some, yes. My grandfather will be one of them. He could not bring himself to come to her birth because he saw her not being a part of his daily life as a loss. But, he was also the most supportive person to me keeping my daughter. This will be a very awkward day for him and I hope to have support in finding ways to deal with this. Even though not everyone will be completely comfortable with her and her family being at the wedding and such a big part of our special day, her family is important to me and I would not lose them being a part of this special day simply due to other’s discomforts.

As a birth parent planning a wedding, it is important to realize that there may be one or two people who do take issue with the presence of your child and the family for any various reasons. Having your head on your shoulders and realizing that the day is important to you for reasons other than adoption can help bring things into perspective. Reminding others, especially those who are having a problem with their presence, of the true importance of the day can help put the view back to where it belongs: on the happy couple.

Sometimes adoptive parents can worry about who is marrying their child’s birth mother or father and how that will affect the child. I asked Breanna about this and how her daughter’s family reacted to the news of the impending nuptuials.

They were very excited for me when I called and told them the news. Aaron (fiance) has been a part of our lives since before E was born. No, we weren’t together when I was pregnant but we were good friends and when we started dating it came as no surprise.

To bank off that subject, I asked Breanna how her fiance has reacted to the continued involvement she has in her daughter’s life and with her daughter’s family. Her reply is encouraging.

Aaron met M (adoptive mom) and J (adoptive dad) prior to E’s birth and again at the hospital when she was born. Aaron has been nothing but supportive during and after my pregnancy with E. He delights in hearing about her and the relationship we share. Aaron didn’t even have to ask who we wanted as our flower girl because he knew who held that special place in our hearts. Even though E is not his biological child, she holds a very special place in his heart as my daughter.

I cannot stress how important it is for a birth parent’s significant other to not only know about the placed child and relationship (or possibility for reunion) but to be 100% supportive. Breanna and Aaron exemplify a positive way to go about handling the relationship. By involving Aaron in the relationship itself and allowing him to bond with E, they have made that transition easier on all involved. The adoptive parents are not left wondering if he will be okay to be in their daughter’s life and Breanna won’t be left wondering if he will accept her for who she is which includes accepting her daughter.

Breanna is already aware that adoption has affected her marriage and they haven’t even exchanged vows. When I asked the questions about how she thought it would have an effect on being husband and wife, she has some great insight.

Even though I am not yet married, the placement of my daughter has already effected my marriage. I want to start having children a lot earlier than my fiance. Even though I will love all my kids, I will always long for a little girl to raise. I love my fiance, but from the beginning his acceptance of my daughter’s family’s presence in my life was pertinent. And he took this task on and has went above and beyond any expectation I have ever had. My fiance has been wonderful in the discussions we have had about having future children and assures me that the importance having kids holds to me will only mean it will be that much more important to him sooner. Does that mean that is how things will work out necessarily? No, but it does show that my fiance is more than understanding and respectful of the effect that placing my daughter has had on myself and our relationship.

Breanna brings up an immensely important topic regarding marriage: children. Many birth parents I know have also stated that desire to have children in their lives as soon as possible. While some may perceive it as a misguided desire to replace the child lost to adoption, many feel that desire simply because bringing a child into the world changes you. It changes your perspectives and priorities. It’s almost as if you’ve had a quick taste of something so wonderful and you’ve been denied that full bite. Being on the same page about the desire to start a family is important when starting any marriage. While Breanna and Aaron aren’t in 100% agreement as to the “when” part of the question, they have an open dialog on the subject which is great advice for any birth parent going into marriage.

Speaking of advice, I asked Breanna if she had any to impart on our readers who may be planning to get married in the near (or not so near) future. Of course, my intelligent and wordy friend did have a few bits of wisdom to share!

Don’t make marriage a competition in your own mind or in the open between your child’s other birthparent. I have often felt that I have to get married before E’s birth father does. I want to have her as my flower girl first and sadly, this gives me satisfaction that it will happen this way. Am I proud of my actions? No. I wish that I didn’t feel the competition that I do. It is not healthy. Try to simply understand that love comes at different times and your child will not see it as a competition between her birthparents. She will see it as a beautiful opportunity to be a part of two very special days.

To be honest, I hadn’t thought about this before but it’s outstanding advice and I’m so thankful that Breanna put aside her own pride and shared this with our readers. Personally, I felt a twinge of this on a different level but only because I didn’t get married before the Munchkin’s birth father. I had some jealousy there, not because I wanted to be the one he married, but because I wanted all of that, too! It is great advice to make sure that you are getting married for all of the right reasons, which includes not trying to one-up your child’s other birth parent (or any of your ex’s!).

While these two still have some time before their wedding and may likely hit some bumps in the road with comments from people or other emotional issues, they are a true testament to how being on the same page regarding adoption can make traveling that path somewhat easier. I’m sure Breanna and Aaron both know that there will be ups and downs in their own relationship and the relationship they have with E and E’s family but with so many strengths working on their side from the beginning, they are bound to face some of those issues with more ease than if situations were vastly different.

We wish you the best of luck as you continue to plan your wedding and in the future of your marriage, Breanna and Aaron! We expect to see pictures of the happy family, all together, when the time comes!

(Look for another personal wedding/marriage story tomorrow afternoon!)

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For more on weddings, marriage and adoption, read:

1. Getting Married: Things for Birth Parents to Consider.

2. Etiquette for Inviting Your Child to Your Wedding.

3. Involving Your Child in Your Wedding.

4. Marriage: Fears from Adoptive Parents.

5. Marriage: Fears from Birth Parents.

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Photo Credit: ©2007 Breanna Conner.

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