e-mail
A birth mother friend of mine recently forwarded me an e-mail that she had received. In this e-mail, an adoptive mother, pregnancy counselor and adoption agency owner cussed at my friend, called her names and basically pulled out every ignorant trick in the book to get under my friend’s skin. Thankfully my friend is an amazingly strong woman and the two of us had a good laugh at the other woman’s expense. Sadly, this is not the first time I’ve seen people randomly reach out and attack birth parents on the internet.
I recently pulled down my personal adoption blog after an attack by a “troll.” For those who aren’t familiar with web-jargon, the definition of a troll is:
A troll is a user of a newsgroup, forum or message board that posts messages with the intent of inciting an argument or flame-war.
My troll not only sent one comment with the intenet of inciting an argument but sent another one, even nastier than the first. The nasty things were similar to past attacks. That I should be grateful for what I have, that I shouldn’t ever complain or use my voice to vocalize my grief and that I was in no way my relinquished daughter’s Mother. This particular troll decided to bring my parented children and husband into the argument (which my Husband found absolutely hysterical, mind you) and, at that point, I stepped away for a bit while I sorted out what to do.
I eventually relaunched my personal adoption blog with a new comment policy in place. But the subject has been on my mind since this happened to me and with my friend’s unprompted e-mail attack, I decided to pose a question to the forums.
I asked if other birth mothers had been attacked on the internet either via e-mail, private message or blog comment. Sadly it is a reality that vocal and public birth mothers are having to face in alarming numbers. Many have faced attacks from random people on the internet who didn’t like what they had to say.
While the lot of us have decided that these ignorant people have far too much time on their hands to seek our birth mothers and write long, grumpy comments that are usually totally off base, it doesn’t mean that their words don’t hurt. While it’s true that if you neglect to “feed” the trolls they won’t get the attention that they are seeking and, thus, disappear, it doesn’t mean that their words don’t hurt. Some mothers chose to take them on, as I did once, but the truth is that those who leave ignorant, disrespectful messages aren’t interested in learning about adoption from our point of view. They have a need to view us as evil, for whatever reason, and will twist and turn our words to make themselves feel better about whatever it is that is eating them from the inside out. As in my most recent case, they will attack members of your family and other things not attached to adoption in hopes of breaking you down. They are not fair fighters and they should not be treated as such.
Before I list a few tips on dealing with these trolls, I wanted to bring up a point of one of the members who responded. While a few adoptive mothers spoke up about their attacks (which I have seen as well), this one member is a birth mother and adoptee. She said this:
The one thing I have never been attacked for [...] is being adopted.
It’s always the ‘evil birth mother’ – lord knows I’ve been an adoptee for FAR longer than I’ve been a birth mother….at least, I think.
That said, I do know many adoptees who have been attacked over the years as well but I don’t think any of them held the dual role of birth mother and adoptee. Interesting that the trolls on the internet, if offered the choice, will go for the birth mother rather than the adoptee. It’s a sad reality.
If you’re worried about attacks, especially if you have a public blog, here are a few tips.
1. Don’t feed the trolls. I know it’s hard, especially if they attack your family, but they want attention. They want to know that they’ve riled you up. If you don’t let them know that they have (even if you’re steaming mad), you are one hand up. Besides, do you really want to stoop to their level.
2. If you are on a public forum or messageboard, forward the message to a moderator or the owner of the site. Sites like those usually have some rules about not being a total jerkface. Usually.
3. If you have a public blog, put a comment policy on your blog. Most blogs make it so that you can moderate all comments (meaning that you have to approve them before they go live on your site) or, one that I like, is that the commenter has to have one approved comment and then the rest are automatically approved. The problem, of course, is that even if you are moderating comments, you have to read the negative things that these people are throwing in your inbox. You’ll know a troll comment from the first few sentences. If something sits wrong in your stomach from the very beginning, simply delete. If the commenter is legitimate, they will contact you and ask what’s up with their comment. Those who say “but this comment policy infringes on my right to free speech,” can offer to pay for your website and blog if they so desire.
4. If an attack comes to your e-mail, liberally delete. Blame it on spam if you’re ever called on it.
5. If an attack is coming to your blog and is really vulgar, don’t hesitate to contact the troll’s ISP. Their IP address will come with their comment. Some trolls think they’re smart by commenting behind proxy’s but they still make it evident who they are. You can also block IP addresses from commenting or accessing your blog all together.
Most of all, realize that you are better than these people. Stooping to their level solves nothing. I realized that after I lashed out at the angry troll that invaded my personal space recently. I’m above that and so are you. It’s not your fault if they can’t realize and accept that your unique experience and emotions don’t devalue or diminish their unique experience and emotions. We can coexist, even with different experiences, emotions and opinions.
Please feel free to share anything you want on this topic. But keep the nasty comments to a minimum. I’ll delete them at will.
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For more on society and placement, read these posts.
I just don’t get how people can be so ignorant in their views. One of my friends, who is not an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent, told me that birth mothers are selfish. I’m not usually one to get in arguments, but you can bet I told her exactly what I thought of that.
I have met some of the most amazing birth mothers. They love their children, but for a variety of reasons, they were unable to parent them. The selfish ones are those who throw their babies in dumpsters (we had one in our town this week) or drown them in the toilet.
I tell people that birthmothers are my heroes, esp. my son’s birthmother. Without her, I would not be a parent today.
I have been attacked, once, by a birthfather. It was not our son’s birthfather (unfortunately, I’ve never had contact with our son’s birthfather); it was someone online. He argued that in no way was I my son’s parent, that adoption was illegal, etc. It was obvious that he was in the middle of a very negative experience.
I appreciate your blog so much. It gives me a glimpse into a birthmother’s life and allows me to understand a little better what my son’s birthmother may be feeling.