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The last thing I asked of the mothers who participated in the survey was to share whatever advice they thought might help birth mothers who are beginning to build their own families. Some didn’t have any extra advice but those who did had some great points to offer up.
The best advice I can give is to realize that you can never replace one child with another. It took me awhile to realize that I would “over do” things for my son out of guilt, feeling like I had to make up to My bson through him. My dad saw it sooner than I did, I was on a path to “ruining” my son because I wanted to make up for what I had lost with my bson. Thankfully I was able to see it.I got things into perspective. I now know that I love them all, I give and have given each one of them what I could, even if that meant I had to place M with is parents.
A great point for any parent who has experienced some kind of loss if you really stop to think about it. Whether the loss comes in the form of miscarriage, infant or child death, placement or even the loss of a biological tie due to issues surrounding fertility/infertility, some parents can tend to overcompensate. Even those who know in their heads and hearts that they can’t replace the loss or fill the void can fall into the trap of thinking, “Well, I couldn’t give x-child this for x-reason so I might as well give y-child this for x-reason.” It’s a useful bit of advice to keep in mind during your many years of parenting.
Another mother had some great tid-bits to share for those who are involved in open adoptions:
Be strong and know that you can do it. Don’t sit around and think of the “what if’s” and don’t compare the two situations, you will be comparing for a life time. When you add to your family be prepared to talk to your new child/children about your childs adoption because it is just as important to be open with our children at home with us as it is for the afamily to be open with our bchildren. Embrace the adoption and what you have learned from it, it will make you love your children that much more. Life is overwhelming for bparents when they become parents(at home) so prepare yourself to go through some amount of emotions.
(Again, I’m amused how all of my birth parent mothers feel that being a mother who has placed a child for adoption makes them better parents while everyone else is saying, NO! ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE BETTER! It’s just chuckle-worthy. Moving on…) The advice of starting to think about how to discuss adoption and your placed child with your parented child is key in open adoptions. (Though, one could also argue since it will most likely be an eventual topic in closed adoptions and reunion, you should think about it as well.) I started talking about the Munchkin with Nicholas while we were still in the hospital. There are times that I grapple for how to explain things and he’s only fifteen months old. The more you prepare yourself for conversations about the topic, the better you will be able to handle such discussions. At the same time, know that you can never fully prepare for what questions children will ask. Don’t beat yourself up if you have to say, “You know, kiddo, I don’t have a specific answer for that question at this point in time. Let me think for a day!”
Another mother brings up a great point:
Expect some bumps – good and bad. But have someone there to support you – your partner or even the adoptive family if possible.
Even with lots of preparation and peacefulness with your decision, there will be bumps along the road. Having the support of a partner, a friend, a family member, a therapist or your placed child’s parents will be immensely beneficial to you as you try to make sense of the ups and downs you will be experiencing. If you don’t have anyone in your physical realm to bounce things off of, seeking out support on the internet can also be beneficial. Just simply having someone to discuss your varying emotions with can help, if only a bit. You’re not alone in this, we promise.
Other mothers offered similar snip-its of advice: be prepared for any amount of emotions that may come up, have a support system, be prepared to discuss things with your children and, most importantly, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling. You’re allowed and it is okay.
I’ll post some links to groups and blogs that may help other parents considering building their families after placement in my next post. It’s always good to have support and to understand that you simply are not alone.
As this series winds down, if you have something you would like to add, feel free to comment or e-mail me (firstparentblogger@adoptionmail.com) and we can expand on those topics as well.
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More from the Parenting After Placement series.
16. Milestones and Mothers.
15. Dealing with New Emotions – Part Two.
14. Dealing with New Emotions – Part One.
13. Ability As A Parent – Part Two.
12. Ability As A Parent – Part One.
11. Our First Four Days Home.
10. The First Weeks Home – Part Two.
9. The First Weeks Home – Part One.
8. Personal Labor and Delivery Differences – Part Two.
7. Personal Labor and Delivery Differences – Part One.
6. Delivery Differences.
5. Differences During Pregnancy – Personal Experience.
4. Differences During Pregnancy – Part Two.
3. Differences During Pregnancy – Part One.
2. About the Mothers.
1. A Series Beginning.
