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Watching your child experience new milestones is a joy for every parent. With each new step, each new word and each new advancement, the joy permeating from your child’s face can be felt in the deepest parts of a parents soul. It’s not a surprise that some birth parents have mixed emotions and feelings as their parented child(ren) experience new milestones, only reminding them what they missed out on with the child that they placed for adoption. I asked the question in the survey:
As your child grew, did your parented child’s new milestones and life experiences bring up emotions? How did you deal with them?
For one mother, J, the issue of milestones brought about a unique perspective only available to parents involved in open adoption:
I would honestly compare notes with the amom. It was like I
had a weather forcaster for my child. I knew a little more what to
expect.
It is true that for those involved in open adoptions, adoptive parents can be a great resources regarding “what to expect.” I have also utilized J & D by asking questions about the Munchkin, especially the first time that Nicholas got a cold and it settled into his chest. I called and asked if the Munchkin had experienced similar things when she was younger. Being able to know or ask when she walked, talked or did x, y or z has been somewhat comforting. The danger involved with that is that all children develop at different rates and comparing children, especially when you involve a placement, can be hard to swallow. (And it can also be stated that if you had parented your first child, you would also know this information which is also somewhat hard to deal with.) All in all, having access to this kind of information can be benficial for birth parents.
One mother stated that they only thought about this issue during the first year of their parented chld’s life because that’s when a lot of changes take place in a baby’s development. While that’s true, growth and development never stop. Or, at least as parents, we hope that our children continue to grow, develop their own unique personalities and continue to learn and accompish new things in their own lives. Another mother, M, is keenly aware that milestones don’t stop after the first year.
Every year to this day (my parented son is 13) brings up new emotions. Simple things like school, field trips, projects, to the bigger things like crushes, best friends, the things he likes to do, places he likes to go. Puberty, how was it dealt with by his parents, Are they open? Does he feel like he can talk to them? I pray alot! I hug my kids tighter and I stay very involved with them, it makes me feel like at least someday when we reunite he may see that I learned something from all of this, that maybe I am a better parent because of it, at his expense, I hope not!
Funny that M says that she feels that she’s a better parent because of all of this, especially in light of the recent study and conversations that are flowing around the internet. I’ve heard similar things from other mothers about how placement made them fully appreciate their parented children, encouraging them to be fully involved, readily available parents. I think that M brings up an important point in that milestones don’t stop. Each year of school will bring new accomplishments. Sometimes it’s hard to think that far into the future, especially if you’re a birth mother just starting to think about conceiving another child. I know that I didn’t think about my parented son’s high school graduation until he was in my arms. Or, for that matter, my placed daughter’s high school graduation and whether or not I’ll be in attendance. Different experiences in parenting make you think of other things yet to come.
For some mothers, the issue of growth, development and milestones was one of the hardest things to deal with as a birth mother raising a new family:
As time went by and I could see really what was missed it got worse. I wondered more. As I watched my parented child mature, I wondered about his brother and had no comaparison. I began to want more, to think about it more, to have more fantasies. It was really when I had my last child though, after seeing the loss and accepting that adoption was not a great thing, that it really hit home. And luckily by this time I could deal with the real extreme of the feelings of sadness and grief and process them. I had the internet and I had an outlet so I shared..and then I became an activist.
For this mother, involved in a closed adoption, the unknown portion of milestones missed only compounded the issues. As opposed to our first mother who found solace in being able to ask the adoptive mother questions about parenting, growth and develppment, this mother was not afforded that opportunity. Feelings of sadness mixed with wonder can be hard to deal with if you’re working on it on your own. Having an outlet, like the internet or a therapist or even a paper journal can be beneficial to sorting through the river of emotions. Quite a few mothers mentioned that in dealing with this particular issue they decided it was time to seek out professional counseling.
Other mothers talked of repressing the emotions and pushing others away as a coping mechanism. I can’t help but wonder if they had been warned, even remotely, about some of these particular issues and possible emotional reactions, if they would have been able to deal with these things in a better fashion.
With that, tomorrow I will be offering up the “additional advice” some of the mothers had to share with birth parents considering building their families as well as some online resources for sharing and comparing notes on this topic. However, in my next post, I will take time to share some of Nick’s milestones and how they effected me with regard to the Munchkin. (Though it won’t be written until tomorrow morning as well! This ice storm has thrown me off!)
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More from the Parenting After Placement series.
15. Dealing with New Emotions – Part Two.
14. Dealing with New Emotions – Part One.
13. Ability As A Parent – Part Two.
12. Ability As A Parent – Part One.
11. Our First Four Days Home.
10. The First Weeks Home – Part Two.
9. The First Weeks Home – Part One.
8. Personal Labor and Delivery Differences – Part Two.
7. Personal Labor and Delivery Differences – Part One.
6. Delivery Differences.
5. Differences During Pregnancy – Personal Experience.
4. Differences During Pregnancy – Part Two.
3. Differences During Pregnancy – Part One.
2. About the Mothers.
1. A Series Beginning.
