e-mail
Continued from the previous post, we’re taking a look at how mothers who placed their first child for adoption felt during the pregnancy with their first parented child.
In our previous stories, we’ve seen how mothers can place a lot of sadness, worry and general negativity on themselves caused in whole or in part by their feelings towards the placement of their first child. Another mother, C, had some mixed emotions which were caused by outside force in her life.
I was still coming from a place where I was proud of relinquishment. I still thought I had done the right thing and was happy about it..so to me..I deserved to be happy having a child that was MINE. I was very upset often becasue the father of my second son was NOT. He made me feel shame for the first time really. He literally was a freak about it. I had expected him to be happy about the birth of his first child yet, he allowed the fact that I had already given birth to cloud the experience. It was a big deal to him that I had had done it already and he held that against me. There were many fights and tears. And becasue of his behavior, I began for the first time to become a secret and let my first child’s birth be a secret.
C went into the pregnancy with the joy that many mothers can understand: a child of one’s very own. However, due to her partner’s negative reaction, the joy was short-lived. When considering the emotions and issues that birth parents face when having subsequent children, it is vastly important for us to consider and discuss how our previous pregnancy experience will effect our partner. Unfortunately for C, her partner had some of his own unresovled issues that brought her own experience into the negative realms. Shame was allowed to creep in and taint what could have and should have been a joyous time in her life. She wanted to be happy and wasn’t allowed to feel that way because of her partner’s lack of compassion and understanding of the issue at hand.
Unfortunately, C is not the only mother who has experienced this issue! Even mothers who have parented a child on their own and gone on to have another child with a new partner have spoken of their new partner’s similar negative reaction to their previous experience with pregnancy and child birth. These women have been hit with the unfortunate phrase, “Yes, but it’s not YOUR first child and that DOES make a difference.” Sadly, other people can and do effect how birth mothers feel about themselves as they start to form their own families.
True to the fact that all birth mothers are different, some others had completely different experiences. One mother explained herself as “excited” and “emotionally stable.” Another mother, B, told of her absolute resolve to be excited and emotionally stable for the birth of her first parented child.
I think I did all the emotional work before I got pregnant. I had about 6 months of therapy getting to the place where I felt “worthy” to parent. I then did a couple more preparing for parenting after adoption.
Not only admirable in the preparation but good advice for birth mothers who are thinking about starting to build a family. Counseling can be beneficial to anyone, especially those looking to sort out some feelings before starting on a life-altering journey, such as having children. While some birth mothers may have been through pre- or immediately post-placement counseling, these issues may not have been explicitly discussed. In fact, I’d bet that the discussion of the issues that birth parents face when preparing to have children of their own to parent are not the focus of the sessions that an expectant mother considering placement would have even though it would be insanely beneficial! Therefore, having someone like a professional counselor or therapist to bounce ideas and issues off of before trying to conceive or during the pregnancy could help put things in perspective.
However, all of the planning in the world catches some mothers off guard. I, personally, thought I had covered all possible issues prior to trying to conceive our son. Suddenly, a few months into the pregnancy, I was hit by things I didn’t know to plan for or expect. I’ll share these next in my next post where I will go into detail about my own second pregnancy, which I’ve talked about briefly during these past two posts, to give you a more intimate look at my journey through these issues. Complete with pictures!
Just looking at how these mothers reacted differently to their pregnancies, even if they shared similar feelings or circumstances, it’s not hard to imagine that each of them will continue to have varying experiences with parenting. Tomorrow we will look at how these mothers felt, physically and emotionally, during the delivery of their first parented child. For some, it will be a welcome, needed relief. For others, it will just be the beginning of an uphill battle.
//
More from the Parenting After Placement series.
3. Differences During Pregnancy – Part One.
2. About the Mothers.
1. A Series Beginning.
