e-mail
Today we’ll explore the first question I asked the participants in the parenting survey.
How was your pregnancy with your first parented child on an emotional level? Were there things that you experienced emotionally that you did not know to expect or caught you off guard?
I wasn’t sure if everyone would understand the basis for this question but the mothers who participated were very perceptive. Even mothers who have parented the children that resulted from all of their pregnancies can attest to differences, not only physical, but emotional ones as well. I wondered how mothers who have placed children for adoption view and handle these emotional differences. I also wondered what, though likely to vary, these differences may be. My participants gave me a great and varied view.
A few of our mothers experienced some largely overwhelming and negative feelings during the pregnancy of their parented child. One mother, B, admitted to something not all mothers would be vocal about concerning their pregnancies.
It was very hard. I was disconnected from my baby. I was scared that someone was going to come take her away from me.
We often hear about how expectant mothers considering placing their unborn baby for adoption will disconnect themselves, emotionally, from the child growing within their womb. Some do it of their own accord to help protect their heart for when relinquishment comes at the end of nine months of nothing but absolute togetherness. Some others do it because they are told that it will be easier this way. It is not surprising, then, when a mother who has been through the separation of mother and child via adoption talks about being disconnected during a future pregnancy. Fears, no doubt, play into this in a big way. Add into those fears that this is the only way they know how to feel when relating to the subject at hand and no, it’s simply not surprising.
Many mothers have also spoken of the fears that someone would come and take their baby. I, personally, dealt with this fear both during pregnancy and after our son was born. I had horrible nightmares that I would leave him places: the grocery store shopping cart, the doctor’s office, the car on a hot day, in his stroller. The dreams only progressed in their fear and intensity as the pregnancy continued. (I spoke of another dream here.) Immediately after our son was born, my anxiety level shot through the roof when he was not immediately handed to me. I thought, with absolute certainty, that the nurse was going to take him away and I’d never be able to look into his gorgeous brown eyes. I can relate to the fear of unwanted separation very well.
M, another mother, speaks of how her complicated pregnancy lead to extra fears:
Emotionally it was draining, my pregnancy with my bson was an easy pegnancy, I went into the 2nd pregnancy thinking it would be the same. It wasnt. I developed preeclampsia early on which led to bedrest, which led to lots of emotions and too much time for thinking. I didnt expect that I would feel so frightened and almost scared that I couldnt parent again this time (even knowing that I could.) I was still afraid that I didnt deserve to be a mother and really began fearing how my bson was going to feel about My husband and I going on to have another child together.
So many fears are contained in this one answer. Fear of failing as a parent. Fear of not being “deserving.” Fear of how the placed child will react to their birth mother’s subsequent children. Fear, fear, fear. Pregnancy is forty long weeks of time to think. If you add in bed rest, the mind has extra time to wander which isn’t always healthy or productive. For M, she spent the time dwelling on some pretty heavy and negative issues. She’s not alone in those thoughts. We’ll hear more about how some other mothers doubted their ability to parent in another segment of this series.
In the next post, I will tell some other stories of what outside forces can do to how a birth mother feels about her pregnancy as well as how happiness can occur during a subsequent pregnancy.
//
More from the Parenting After Placement series:
2. About the Mothers.
1. A Series Beginning
