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Yesterday I talked about my own personal journey to, with and through regret. Before we went on a long holiday weekend, I asked readers (here, on my personal adoption blog, and on the forums) to talk about regret. And they did. I got some e-mail. The discussion on the forums brought in some great stuff. Some bloggers took it to their own space. And quite frankly, dear readers, you need to read some of this stuff after the big long discussion we’ve had on the eighth chapter of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. These words give some light to a “textbook” approach to the topic. (Not that Gritter is very textbook but it can be hard to associate what is written in a book with what is currently going on in today’s world of birth parents.)
I asked people to share their own experiences, even prompting those on the forums with a list of questions. The results are a dialogue about regret that should be heard (and explored more deeply, no?).
Some of the more interesting replies are best when juxtaposed with another’s on the same question/topic. For example, when I asked these birth mothers how their child’s adoptive families reacted to their regret, I got some varied responses. One, from a mother in open adoption, is easy for many first parents to relate to their own experience.
They know, but they don’t want to know. They never ask questions or read books or learn about how such things can happen. They don’t want to open their eyes to a world in which people give up babies for the wrong reasons. And they would certainly never ever acknowledge their own role in the situation. I get so amazed and touched when I see adoptive parents who do care about ethics and do ask the tough questions. I believe I would have come to peace with my regret a lot sooner had my son’s parents just been able to acknowledge my regret.
While Gritter suggests in this eighth chapter that birth parents not rely on adoptive parents for the answers surrounding the regret, simple acknowledgment can go a long way in fostering hope of healing. Quite frankly, even if an adoptive family doesn’t want to talk about the regret that their child’s birth parent can experience (or is experiencing), learning about the possibility and what it could mean for your immediate family unit (you know, the child?) seems like a proactive and positive step to me.
On the flip side, a mother from the closed adoption era has had an entirely different experience. (Anyone else a bit surprised in that flip? Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. In fact, I’m not really surprised by much anymore.)
It was a closed adoption. My son said that for the first few years his mother felt guilty at having him at my loss. She helped him choose the photos of his adoptive family that I asked for a couple of months ago. He tells me that she asks if he’s heard from me. There are little snippets in the background that helps me to feel that she cares and that helps me with any regrets I have in losing him, and helps me to feel love for them.
As you may notice, this adoptive mother has never sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk about the regret that the first mother has felt over the years. However, her very simple inclusion and recognition that her gain did come at another’s loss helped this particular birth mother deal with those regrets. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that mean so much to us in the end.
I also asked these first parents why regret seems so scary to people, even though the dictionary definitions for regret aren’t all that scary. Their responses, though varied by experience, fell in a similar line with one another. Quite a few had some exceptional insight into the heart of the matter.
I think it’s harder to ignore the bparent experience when there are feelings like regret. In general, people have become so proud, too proud to admit that they regret things. I think it’s an emotion that people aren’t very comfortable with in general. My experience with those who express regret is that they receive in return uncomfortable silence or the “this is what YOU signed up for” response. Neither are particularly supportive or helpful…
It is true, in general, that people (not just in adoption) aren’t all that comfortable with regret. We’ve been trained to “live in the moment” and not “dwell on the past.” I know very, very few people who don’t have some issue in their past that has shaped the way that they live their lives today. Remembering that we all have something in our past that shapes who we are, whether it’s 100% positive or negative, can help those who aren’t experiencing the regret, first hand, understand a bit more as to what birth parents are dealing with in terms of regret and loss.
Another birth mother had an interesting spin on it.
I think people view it as: If I do a great job and bmom sees me doing a great job she’ll have no regrets because I’m doing a great job. And thus if bmom has regrets it MUST mean amom is not doing a great job. When in actuality our regret is not necessarily tied to how good a job the aparents do. It’s simply about not being there with our child everyday regardless of how well that child is being raised.
This insight speaks volumes! No, it’s not about how amazing the (adoptive) mother is at keeping everything in line. It’s not about how much fun the dad has with the kids. In fact, I would be willing to bet that the adoptive parents could win an award for being the best parent in the entire country and the birth parent would still feel a twinge of regret there: “Could it have been me if that was my child?” It’s not easy, ever, to watch your child be raised, poorly or well, by another family.
And really, when it comes down to it, birth parents, unique in nature, are going to feel differently about every aspect of the adoptions that have taken place. Some will regret, solely, the events that lead to the actual placement. Some will regret not being strong enough to stand up and say, “No, I’m going to parent!” Some will regret choosing a certain type of adoption (semi-open over fully open). Some will regret the distance between families (too close? too far?). There’s a long list. One blogger took the time to write out her list of regrets and, while it hits on some heavy topics, I think it needs to be read. Head over to You Never Get Over It and read her post on the topic of regret. I was moved, to tears, because I felt the pain in the words. I’ve been in some of those situations, dealing with some of that regret. While my own regret is uniquely my own, this particular first mother offers up something we don’t always see: blatant, unbridled honesty on a topic that so many others shun. Thank you, Lauren.
After two days of talking about regret, I’m drained. While all of the mothers here talked about harnessing your regret and dealing with it in appropriate ways (many… MANY!… mentioned therapy!), it can still be a cumbersome load. My own regret, while a part of my life, isn’t dealt with in such an in-your-face and constant manner as I’ve been discussing it over the past two days. I do see, of course, why others might turn away from discussing regret with a grieving birth parent: it’s not a light and happy topic and has the ability to bring down those who are near its all-encompassing grasp. I strongly encourage first parents who are dealing with this kind of regret to seek out counseling. I know I talk about therapy all the time and it may seem like it’s a catch all but, quite frankly, there are some issues that fall under regret that you may not be able to handle on your own. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. You don’t have to travel this road alone. If anything, seek out other birth parents (such as via our forums or blogs in general) and get a dialogue going about your issues. You are not alone.
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For more on regret, read:
2. Let’s Discuss Regret This Weekend.
3. Lifegivers: The First and Second Halves of Chapter Eight (deals with birth parent regret).
4. Or join the discussion on the forums: Birth Parent Regret.
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Japanese kanji symbol for Regret found on About.com.
