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As I talked about yesterday morning, the first year after Munchkin’s placement has been the easiest one for me to deal with in comparison to subsequent years. This was the exact opposite of what Coley spoke about in a post of hers from last week. So, I got to wondering after I thought about it for awhile, “What has been the experience of other mothers?” I asked, of course, and got some great responses.
By great, I mean really, really heartbreaking responses.
Either way you look at it, the grieving process for a birth parents is not an easy one. The discussions we have on topics like these only further prove that there is no one right or wrong way to be a birth mother; our experiences make us unique and with that uniqueness can come confusion on how to handle various situations. From what I read and then learned as others shared their personal experience on this topic, the truth of the matter is this: no matter when you grieve, it sucks. It sucks the life out of you. It makes it hard to get other things done. And oh, it hurts.
For MagicPointeShoe, that first year mirrored Coley’s experience: it was the hardest. Her words brought tears to my eyes.
I was called awful, horrible things before I birthed him, my birth experience was lonesome and alienated my mother from the man I loved. (Thankfully that rift has healed.) And afterwards, I was left alone with my thoughts. I worked in a toy store and watched people with similar aged children be beastly to their children. They got to keep their children, and here was I without child but knowing full well that I could have parented and parented well if given the opportunity. I failed myself and I failed my son. And even worse was knowing that I was still flunking out of school. I couldn’t even meet my full potential with my slate wiped clean as promised.
I can personally imagine that if, in that first post-placement year, I was surrounded by children at all times, I might have also had a vastly different experience. As it is, I do remember hearing the neighbor’s little girl cry one night and I ended up in a fit of tears. MagicPointeShoe’s words have really stuck in my head. I want to go back in time and find her in that year and reassure her that, slate wiped “clean” or not, she was a human being with emotions and that is OKAY. We can’t do that, obviously, so I just say now: emotions are okay.
Others had experiences that were similar to my own. Nikki Jo mentioned that her first hard year came after she began parenting her oldest son. Michelle stated that her hardest year has been the sixteenth year for reasons yet unknown. Nicole talked about while she had anxiety about visiting in her own home and sadness after a visit, her daughter’s birth was actually the catalyst in waking up from her denial. YouNeverGetOverIt talked about how each year after her parented daughter’s birth has gotten progressively worse.
One response really got to me, however, and that was from Brandy. After a decade under her belt, the eleventh year has been a kicker for her regarding this issue. She mentions some of her daughter’s milestones in compounding the issue this year, such as beginning to shave her legs or wear a bra, stating that all of it has basically left her waylaid and unable to function at times. And then she poses this question:
I wonder too, if dealing in infancy is preferential to dealing when the child can actually see you react – I know that M is/has reacted to my ‘emotions’.
I was kind of dumbfounded to think about this particular aspect of the issue, previously concentrating on my own grief processes and then the stories of other birth mothers and how they have coped. Suddenly a light came on in my brain’s window: would it have been better for me to cope that first year than risk any emotional damage to the Munchkin in the process?
I would assume that yes, it would have been preferential for all involved. In the past year, as I’ve dealt with some new emotions on my plate, I’ve unfortunately had to cancel a visit. I acknowledge that it was unfair to both J & D and the Munchkin (and I’ve worked with my therapist in hopes of avoiding another such issue ever, ever again). If I had been able to address these kinds of things prior to becoming a permanent and recognized fixture in her life that she expects to be present at certain times, would we have avoided an issue like we experienced?
And yet, I (personally) wasn’t prepared to deal during that first year. I was fed a lot of happy-go-lucky stuff about adoption by my unethical agency. I felt forced to bury and ignore anything that didn’t go along with their rhetoric because I didn’t want to cause damage to the relationship I was building with my daughter’s parents. I did not have access to any form of therapy so no one was actually forcing me to dig a little deeper and address the emotions that desperately needed addressed. If adoptions were a bit more ethical and new birth mothers had access to adequate and experienced therapists in that first year, would we see a difference? Would there be a decline in the number of birth parents that walk away from the open adoption relationship? Would they be better prepared to handle issues that arise, including their own grief and loss? Would those who have chosen closed adoptions, for varying reasons, be better prepared for reunion when it arrives?
The questions continue while answers are left to dangle above our consciousness. I do continue to work through my own grief and loss issues with my therapist, whom without I wouldn’t have made it through that third post-placement year. I can only hope and pray that we continue to make headway so that issues where I might let my daughter down might be dealt with quickly and appropriately or totally avoided.
Again, as of right now, where I am in healing, I am not expecting any of the next few years to particularly easy. As always, I can prepare myself by continuing on with my therapy and being open and honest in my relationship with J & D and the Munchkin but, truth be told, I’m not necessarily sure any of those things can adequately prepare you for certain unexpected situations or emotions.
What has been your experience? Have the years gotten easier? Harder? Or different? Why do you believe that to be the case in your adoption?
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For more, read:
1. The Years Didn’t Get Easier for Me.
2. The First Birthday Parts One and Two.
3. Let’s Take a Trip Down Visit Memory Lane: The First Visit.
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Photo Credit.
