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A thread was started on the forums this past week asking if the relationship between adoptive and birth parents in an open adoption was comparative to that of ex-spouses in a divorce. Nothing like trying to compare two emotionally charged familial subjects! My initial reply was that the two subjects are apples and oranges. I explained it well in one of my replies so I’ll just go ahead and quote myself. (Does that make me seem like I have a split personality? Anyway…)
If I was married to either of Munchkin’s parents and there was a divorce, I would have a say in how she was raised, what she was doing and so on. As an open adoption birth mother, I have none of that. I am not even allowed to THINK of that kind of stuff without being chastised for “co-parenting.” If I was to overstep that boundary, I (not just me but any birth parent, just speaking with my own self in this place) run the risk of being completely shut out of the child’s life. If it was a divorce and the other parent decided to “disappear” or refuse to let me have contact, I would have legal recourse. But since I’m a birth parent? Pfft. They would laugh me out of court even in a state that has legally binding agreements.
I still stand by this line of thinking. When speaking of the relationship between adoptive and birth parents, the similarities to a divorced couple are minimal other than they live in separate houses and share a desire to act in the best interest of the child. (In fact, one might argue that in the open adoption scenario, a healthier relationship is possible due to the fact that adoptive and birth parents don’t have animosity towards one another like a divorced couple might. But, in saying that, I am sure that there are exceptions to that as well.)
The (respectful) argument came up that the two can be compared because, as I stated, birth and adoptive parents share an interest in protecting the child. True. I can’t deny that one. I want what is best for my relinquished daughter just as her parents do. But again, the similarities end there. In the situation of a divorce, once a child is of a certain age (that varies by state), that child can have a say in the decision of with whom he/she lives. If an adoptee told his (adoptive) parents that he wanted to live with his biological parents, nine times out of ten that child is going to be told, flat out, no. No further discussion. No court would touch a case like that with a ten foot pole even in states in which open adoptions are legally binding. Why? The argument returns to the fact that birth parents have no rights and, therefore, no say in parenting decisions.
And so, at best, you can make the minor correlation that birth and adoptive parents want what is best for their child. The similarities seem to end there. Do you have a different point of view? Share please.
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For more posts on relationships with the adoptive parents of your child in open adoption, read these posts.
I have made the comparison myself, only it was about the child actions, not the parent actions. Our daughters who were adopted at 9 and 15 frequently tried to play their birth family members and us. They would come home, tell us that their grandparents didn’t agree with something we did. They were telling the grandparents the same thing, and then the aunts and uncles. It caused a lot of problems. Of course, they could have all been avoided by communication. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a strong point, too many insecurities.
People always ask us if we think our son will get confused about who his “real” parent’s are. When they use the word “real” they are referring to his biological parents. I’m not offended by this as they just don’t know what words to use sometimes. Even I don’t quite know. So I always talk about how so many families are blended now in today’s world–like when there is divorce, step-parents, remarriages, different bio parents, extended family living in the same household, 2nd marriages with kids from each–then adding more children–etc. Nobody is really ideal, are they? And if they are. . .just exactly what is that ideal? I think the main goal is trying to maintain positive, loving relationships throughout one’s life. Yes, there will be trials and such–as we all face. I would hope that our son’s birthmom would be on the same page with us when it came to overall ideas of raising him–which would hopefully be why she chose us. She does share her hopes and dreams that she has for him with us and we do our best as parents to make them all come true. We have decided as a whole to just take things as they come and we are all prepared to sit down and discuss things together if need be. I can’t say how I would react if he was 8 and wanted to go live with her because he is only 2 right now. I would maybe try to plan a camping trip or have her spend the weekend at our house or something. But, she does only live 10 minutes away right now so we do see each other quite often. I do know that I love her too~ and she is just as important to us as our son–so we will work together. No, it isn’t co-parenting–but it might seem like it to some. It’s such a deep thought that all I am doing is rambling.
I found out the hard way that open adoption even with relatives is not anything like divorced parents. I am the eldest in my family and when my sister lost her 3 kids to the state of Washington she gave the state my name and they placed all three children with me. My neice and 2 nephews, whom I love dearly. At the time my husband and I had a blended family of 7, His, hers and ours. Three more made 10 kids (2 of which were graduated and moved out, so that makes 8 at home.) As much as I loved them and wanted to keep them, I couldn’t figure how to make it work, I worked grave yard and my husband was is a fire fighter and worked 24hr shifts. Long story short, My husband’s brother and his wife weren’t able to have children and had tried adopting a couple of times and last minute the biological mother backed out. So, I asked them if they would be interested in adopting the two boys (I kept my niece because she was special needs and I didn’t trust even family to deal with them appropriately)with stipulations that they agree to handling it like a divorce situation. Visitation etc because my family (My sisters brothers and parents) were very attatched to these children. I was thinking it would work since they were my inlaws. CPS wouldn’t let us put anything in writing for fear of complicating the adoption, but said what we decided off the record was fine. Well, after the adoption was final none of what we (my family and the adoptive parents “my inlaws”) agreed to has occured. We (members of my family) can only visit the boys at their home, They aren’t allowed to come stay a week or two with their sister (whom my husband and I adopted) at our home in the summer. They have made it very clear to us it’s not their responsibility to make any contact with us or Emily on behalf of the boys. If we want to see them we have to make the initial contact. So basically when Emily wants to see or talk to her brothers she has to call them, they aren’t allowed to call her. My whole family has been devistated by this and my heart hurts for my neice/daughter.
I thought to go to court and try and get visitation for my neice and us, but from what I’ve been reading doesn’t look like their is much chance in that being the solution. I would love any ideas on how to make this situation work. It’s starting to destroy my husband’s relationship with his family too. I hate to see all the heart ache this is bringing, and it’s all my fault because I loved and trusted people with my family. I thougth I was giving them their hearts desire as well as keeping them close and accessible to my family and my neice. I knew these people well, and never dreamed this is the way it would turn out.
I tell this story not only to see if there are those out there who might have help for me, but also to WARN THOSE WHO ARE THINKING THAT OPEN ADOPTION EVEN WITH FAMILY CAN BE ANYTHING LIKE A DIVORCE SITUATION. From what I can tell, it’s not possible.
I have a 20-year-old daughter with whom I have been open with since the age of five years regarding her adoption. From the beginning, I always told her, “Never forget for a single minute, you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.” That was on a little wooden wall plaque and was just a matter-of-fact subject we were always very open about. I just simply told her at the age of five that God sent her to a mommie who couldn’t have babies and that she fell straight from heaven! (became more to the point as she grew older!) She was always very well-adjusted even with the comments kids would say when she was growing up..she always felt she was special and showed that she was secure in that. Things did become a little rocky when at the age of 7, her father and I divorced due to a lot of confusion and things changed as a family, but her continued to remain close in her life.
When Brooke turned 14 she started to change…her attitude (very intelligent and gifted writer and guitarist) changed drastically after involvement in the School of the Arts..she became very radical in her thinking and she studied creative writing..starting writing dark lyrics and award-winning poems and lyrics…very amazing, talented young girl. But gradually over the 14th year of her life she gravitated to what I call, ‘the dark side’ in her way of dress and thinking…people would just say, “Oh, she’s artsie. They’re always like that…” I agreed to a point, but saw a gradual increase in her distancing herself from any ties to anyone whatsoever and getting heavily into her music (friends who had wiiiiild ideas and lifestyles) As the need for reigns and more structure arose from Brooke’s attitude and evidence of rebellion towards rules, etc. She magically decided to live with her father.
My daughter achieved her goal…she lived with her Dad, who behaved like a marshmallow and after I remarried, my husband was more firm and supportive, yet harsher than what she was accustomed to from her father (adoptive), that she resented the rules we had established..broke all the rules and engaged in an online relationship she had been forgidden to continue..when we threatened to throw out the computer…magically she moved to her Dad’s.
The erradic behavior continued and then Brooke told me at the age of 19 she was moving to Texas to try to establish residency and go to UT to obtain her music degree. She had many chances to obtain full scholarships, and we all had hoped it would be to a Florida college..instead she chose Texas.
Long to short…during this time shortly before the Texas move, she obtained the knowledge that her birtmother lived in our city and knew of her location…It seems they had mutual friends who were also very artsie and musicians, poets and the like. So during the course of their communication, it was agreed they would meet. I was all very supportive, as I had been communicating with the birthmother since Dec ‘07 after she sent me a Christmas card (my daughter gave the address) and THANKED me for doing such a wonderful job with Brooke..it was very heartfelt and sincere. It was very obvious. We continued to communicate and had several things in common. I shared a large portrait of Brooke..gave it to her for Christmas. We went over several scrapbooks of Brooke…she was amaaaazed and gasped at all of the beautiful baby pictures-the special things I had saved and journeled practically every breath of Brooke’s first 12 years…she got tearful, as did I.
3 months after she and I met, my daughter flies home to Texas on a quick 4-day visit…came here to stay..very thrilled to see me…hugs and kisses as always..then hurry, hurry. We’re gonna meet my birthmother! They connected as soon as Brooke say Hi to me (no problem–I realized her excitement and shared it as well!) I took my daughter to meet her birthmother for the 1st time face-to-face—I dropped her off at the Cafe and I smiled. The rest of the visit was spent mostly with her 3 half siblings she met (I was included for sushi!!)It was great! No jealousy…no nothing. It was all about Brooke…everyone smiling. But when Brooke was ready to leave and I went to hug her (no one else around..) she was very, very stiff with arms to the side. nothing like she was before. I went to hug her and she was statuesque…cold. Not like when greeting me. I thought there must be a lot to digest for her, yet I felt wounded.
I still feel wounded. Brooke, i know for a fact from others) has had her birthmother fly to Texas spending 10 days with her (I have been unable to afford to go and just began a job 1 month ago or I would have beat her to it!) I don’t know what level they are on, since Brooke sent me a nasty email 1 month ago stating that “A” he birthmother along with my ex, her father, are the only ones who seemed concerned! This scalded me to my soul…to the bone. I’ve mothered her..wrapped my heart totally around her every move 20 years..then she write me stating her birthmother seems to be the one that seems supportive and concerned!!!
I wrote her back and addressed all her cold comments, stating facts and explaining WHY things had to be the way they were, etc. I told her OF COURSE her birthmother is going to be supportive-she placed her for adoption (thankfully didn’t abort her!_ 20+ years ago and Why WOULDN”T she be supportive now! She certainly wasn’t going in nipping at her heels telling her she didn’t have $$ to send or her house payment was doubled…facing foreclosure.NO. She came to her and became the hero–the one she can party and have fun with. Be best friends with.
HELP ME HERE. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL. DOES ANYONE OUT THERE RELATE? CONTACT ME VIXTER853@HOTMAIL.COM