The opposite extreme from the happy birth mother is the angry or sad birth mother. She makes many people highly uncomfortable and in an open adoption can really can ruin the happy mood of the adoptive family. I wonder how many adoptions close because an angry or sad birth mother dampens the mood in the adoptive family? Some adoptive moms go the extra mile when a birth mom is having a difficult time - I do know that is the case. Read some of Deb's blogs if you need proof of that.

Reunited birth moms are often REALLY angry, and can be a thorn in the side to many adoptive parents. They talk too much about pain, injustices, coercion and all sorts of ugly truths in adoption. Some people find it easy to dismiss their voices as extreme and not the majority opinion. However,it is getting harder to do that as more birth mothers come out, reunite, and yes, speak out.

The truth is that birth mothers come in more than two varieties, happy or angry/sad. Most birth mothers are complex people with full, interesting and "normal" lives. They are not all happy or all sad; it just isn't that simple. I believe that super "happy" birth mothers have not processed or acknowledged their loss. A woman can be happy as a birth mother, but an all-happy birth mother is oblivious to her loss, and probably has not processed it yet. As Heather said, the stereotypical happy birth mother can be dangerous because she sends a faulty message that placing your child for adoption is simply swell.

I know so many extraordinary and successful birth mothers with good lives. However, even most of them still have times when their adoption woes torment them. How much adoption affects a person varies, but it is unrealistic to expect that it would not often have serious effects. That does not mean that birth mothers are all wimpy cry-babies who never enjoy their lives. Some can and do - others cannot seem to find ways to heal and achieve some resolution.

For some birth mothers, especially those in the reform community, adoption is a significant aspect of their life. That does not mean that they are not highly functioning women who enjoy warm relationships with people in their lives. To lump birth mothers into either the happy or angry category does not work. Although it may be an easy way to classify birth mothers, it is not accurate and does not give a realistic portrait of the majority of birth mothers.

I do not even like the use of the term "happy" as a label to attach to birth mothers. Somehow it seems wrong to expect or endorse the whole idea of happy and clueless birth mothers. Can only clueless birth mothers be blissfully happy all the time? Yes, that is what I believe. Can a birth mother process her loss, achieve some healing and have a good life with some happy times? Yes, definitely, but the loss never completely evaporates. Losing a child to adoption changes a women forever. It takes away her innocence and some of the sheer joy of life. Many birth moms can recover, heal and have good lives. However, the scars remain, and sadness resurfaces even for those of us strong enough to fight for that good life.

For a long time, I kept expecting to become totally healed and recovered. There were moments when I thought that I had succeeded. Yet, I finally have come to the realization that the wound will never completely heal. The sadness will recede for awhile, but reminders will bring it back without warning. For me, that is the reality. I have accepted my fate, and embrace the good times.

Thanks to all the commenters on part 1, you have helped focus and clarify my points and I appreciate your input!