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I use the phrase “bad decision” in a tongue-in-cheek kind of fashion. I am not convinced that birth parents make any more bad decisions than any other human being, adoptive parents included. I do know of one decision, however, that isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just one that isn’t discussed in depth by agencies or their counselors with expectant parents choosing adoption.
The issue is parenting after placement and the concept of the “replacement baby.”
When I was pregnant with the Munchkin, my aunt verbalized a fear to my mom that she thought I would just “go out and get pregnant” to replace the loss of my firstborn (whom I was planning to and did eventually place for adoption). I thought her idea was ridiculous. I’ll talk more about my personal experience in just a minute. For now, however, let’s talk about how the agencies are handling this topic.
Most agencies tell you that “giving up” this baby won’t be a huge ordeal, that you can “have another baby” at another time. They use phrases like “when you’re ready” or “when the time is right.” What they don’t tell you is that things can happen between now and whenever it is that the time might be right. In fact, the process of labor and delivery can cause irreparable damage to your uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries which can make it impossible to conceive later in life. (Rare but it does happen.) As some birth mothers realizes these facts and their biological clocks start ticking, they begin to panic a bit. Add in the grief of having placed a baby for adoption and sometimes things can get a little hairy.
Even if you aren’t running out trying to purposefully conceive as soon as possible, knowing your reasons for wanting another baby are important. I was one of the ones who was poorly counseled as to how my health would affect my future baby carrying days. A doctor told me shortly after I delivered the Munchkin that I needed to have my children “quickly” if I wanted to be able to carry a baby to full term. Shock to my system! Even though I was in a great financial place, married and trying to conceive, it was still a shock when I did. The emotions that the process of being pregnant and having another baby brought up were hard to handle at times. It was at that point in my journey that I sought therapy for the first time. I only wish that my agency would have had enough forethought to tell me to seek counseling before we tried to conceive!
The truth is that no baby that you bring into your home will ever replace the one that you placed for adoption. You might experience a wide range of emotion as well, sometimes feeling guilty and sometimes feeling so darn happy that you could burst. Those are all normal decisions. As long as you are aware of those things and you know that you cannot replace that child, having and parenting children is a wonderful, rewarding experience. Challenging, yes, but wonderful as well. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of thinking that another child can replace one and you’ll be just fine. And then you can tell those other people that your “bad decisions” are, quite honestly, wonderful ones.
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