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Adoptive parents have the right to close an open adoption. Even in states that offer legally binding open adoptions, if the adoptive family can prove that the birth family poses a danger or that contact is no longer in the best interest of the child, the adoption can be closed. I discussed some reasons for such a thing. But the truth remains that some adoptions are closed for reasons that are not quite so evident or legitimate.
These reasons are often based in fear, wrong assumptions or the inability to discern good advice from not-so-good advice. What are some of these reasons?
1. The child has started asking big questions. As such, the adoptive parents are scared. This, of course, is a normal response. Everyday, non-adoptive-parents get scared when their children ask bigger questions as well. However, those parents don’t have the ability to place blame for such questions on things like the assumed confusion of open adoption or another family all together. Just because an adoptive child is asking a hard question doesn’t mean that they are confused. In fact, questions are good and should be rewarded with appropriate answers!
2. The child is acting out. You’ll sometimes see adoptive parents freak out after a visit because the child acts out emotionally or physically. The truth is that, in some cases where delays or disorders are not involved, acknowledging that the child’s acting out is likely due to an inability to appropriate discuss the emotions at hand would be all that was needed. But, again, fear is scary!
3. The child has said something that the adoptive parents feel is inappropriate. This is usually along the lines of, “I like my birth mom more,” or, “I want to go live with my birth family.” To be fair, I’m sure that is a very hurtful thing to hear. But ask any parent if their child has tried to play them off another parent. They have. They will. No matter the dynamic of the family. Children know how to push the buttons of their parents. This is one button they will find. And push. Repeatedly.
4. Someone in the adoptive family’s circle has convinced them that open adoption is evil! Okay, maybe not evil, but, at the very least, confusing for the child. It may be easy to ignore someone for the first few months of the child’s life, but if someone is constantly wearing on the family about the negative aspects of open adoption, their resolve toward openness may begin to break down. Without support, it is hard to make an open adoption work. If they don’t have that support, they may not have the energy needed to keep working at it.
5. The adoptive family may simply assume that you need space and to move on with your own life. Of course, you know this to be a false assumption. However, due to poor post-placement counseling offered by agencies for adoptive parents, they are usually going on nothing more than well-intended advice from others. Someone may have mentioned it to them and, in seeing your grief at some point, they figured the advice to be appropriate.
There are a million and other reasons why an adoptive family may make the decision to close an adoption for an off-base reason. The truth is that once it is done, you can choose to reach out again… or simply accept it. Forcing them to reopen the adoption isn’t really in the best interest of a good relationship. It may cause strain in the family’s life as well, especially if one parent is pitted against another on the issue. Simply write your letters until you are told to stop doing so.
And so, there’s just one question that remains: is it ever appropriate for you to close the adoption off? Maybe. Maybe not. Tune in!
