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Something that sometimes occurs in adoptions, especially ones where a child is removed rather than voluntarily placed, is that names get confused. Who should be called what, what honorifics should be used? This can be very hard for grandparents whose grandchild has been placed for adoption because they may forever see their son or daughter as daddy or mommy. So how do adoptive parents get around this issue?
Set very clear boundaries. First parents are not mommy and daddy. We are special in our right, but we aren’t mommy or daddy. (Unless an older child chooses to call us that.) Have a frank and caring conversation with your child’s first grandparents about appropriate titles for their children. If you need to, discuss appropriate names for themselves as well. If you aren’t comfortable with them being grandma and grandpa, maybe you can come up with something else appropriate that they could be called. Being Mr. and Mrs. M may be respectful in your mind, but may be cold in theirs, remember that please. Remember that first grandparents mourn the loss of the child born into their family as well.
My parents are grandma and grandpa, but that is because Punkin’s family is comfortable with those labels. I am Mutti, and Danny is Vati, mommy and daddy in German. Those are the titles that we came up with that we are comfortable with. I also prefer first mother and first father over birth parents. We did take care of all of his medical needs for the 6 weeks of his life. I did what mother’s do. I stayed up nights worrying about him and I held him in the hospital. I was his mother beyond carrying him and giving birth to him. I was his first mother. Punkin’ adoptive parents respect that we differ in what they were taught about titles. I was the first woman that ever asked to be called first mom before at our agency.
So adoptive parents don’t be afraid to set some clear boundaries on what you expect your child to call his first parents. Make sure that everyone follows those guidelines. You aren’t being mean you are doing what is best by your child. Maybe someday when they are older or if they are older they can come up with honorifics for first family members. Or maybe you can choose something from a language that has meaning to you. Be firm, don’t be afraid to hurt feelings a little, you are standing up for your child in this.
“First parents are not mommy and daddy. We are special in our right, but we aren’t mommy or daddy.”
I was surprised to read this and I don’t understand the logic. Can you expand on this some more. What’s wrong with referring to an adopted child’s parents as mommy or daddy? Or, mom or dad? Am, I not getting something here? I read on one of the blogs (I can’t remember which one now) that some times we refer to a a very close friends mother or father as mom or dad and no one thinks much of it. Most people start calling their in-laws mom and dad with relative ease. I guess, maybe that’s a little different. But, anyway, what is wrong with it in the case of adopted children?
My personal experience was that when we adopted our first 3 (sibling group ages 12-13) we discussed with them what they would call us. We gave them the option of our first names, etc. One of them said, “Mom and Dad works for me” and the other 2 agreed so from then on we were and are mom and dad.