April 30th, 2009
Posted By:
Categories: Tough Stuff

This last letter that I am choosing to share with you is hard. It’s an issue that no birth parent really wants to consider: the impending death of their child’s adoptive parent. This birth mother’s child (ten) is dealing with the eventual death of the child’s (adoptive) mom. She was initially diagnosed with breast cancer which then spread to her lungs and her liver. She has, at this point, been given a few months to live.

This birth mother’s words break the heart of all who read them.

My heart is broken for my child and every time I consider what loss she is about to endure, my heart breaks all over again. I question God, I question everything. Why? Why is this happening? Why now? Why this? Why?


What’s worse, but understandably so, the adoptive family isn’t communicating in great detail with the birth mother at this point in time. Understandably so due to the fact that they are dealing with multiple appointments per day, making arrangements and generally trying to spend as much time together as possible while they still have that time. All the same, it doesn’t make it easy for the birth mother to take a total backseat. She wrote that she viewed her child’s adoptive mother as one of her best friends. Like with any friend, she wants the chance to make a few final memories and say her goodbyes.

Personally, I think that she will be given the chance to say goodbye as she shared some kind words that the adoptive dad shared with her in a recent quick email.

I know that you are likely confused and scared right now as well. Please know that we are not pushing you away. We just need some time to be a family. I will be in contact soon.

I hope that she will be given the chance to do as she hopes to do. But it doesn’t make it any easier to handle. The loss of a friend. The loss of a relationship. The loss of someone you had hoped would raise your son. And the fears she must have for her son as her son faces those losses and so many more.

I don’t have the advice here. I don’t know how to tell her to remain hopeful even as the angel of death looms over the situation. Placating phrases like, “everything happens for a reason,” only seem to dismiss and diminish the real emotion of the issue with which she is dealing. In the end, I can only hope that she is able to find some peace through this matter.

If you have been through this or are going through this, please leave a word of encouragement for this birth mother.

One Response to “My Son’s Adoptive Mom is Dying of Cancer”

  1. ritas says:

    I was contacted about 6 months ago from my son I gave up to adoption 18 years ago. He wrote me the most beautiful letter about his life and in it he wrote about his adoptive mother dying of cancer when he was just 14 and battling it shortly after he was in her life. I was devestated. I don’t think I stopped crying for months. He questioned God and still does today. He visited my family and me for four great days. He is so very thankful and recieved many answers to all of his questions. I got to know quite a bit about him and realized his mother must have been the best mother he could have ever had even if it was for just 14 years. He knew he was loved like no other and shows it in his relationships with others.I felt such guilt,as if I was responsible for such pain he must have felt and does feel but after meeting him I realized he was loved by his adoptive mom and dad. He was cared for with such deep love he will keep that in his heart forever and shower it with everyone that surrounds him. He may question God but after meeting him I am more of a believer that God is there. Life isn’t easy in all families. He could have had a drug addicted father and who knows where he would have ended up. God works in mysterious ways and in the moment it can feel like the most awful world but after meeting my son I realized his mother is always in his heart and even though I never met his mom personally I am glad to know them both.
    I can’t imagine how hard it would have been to know of her dying at that time. I don’t pretend to know is all I can tell you is of my experience today. I also found out recently the birthfather had died years ago too. I find myself questioning a lot of emotions that I am having in this ride of life and always seeking for some help in understanding them. I am not a nut on religion but do believe in God.

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