I chose to be as comfortable as possible at my placement. I wanted it to be one of the things I had control over and got to plan. And, it went even better than I had planned it to go in my head.
I decided to have it at my parent’s home, with all my family there. My parents and my four siblings sat on the left of me while I held baby E. The adoptive couple and their daughter M sat to the right of me. My case worker was there as well to help mediate. I had shared with him how I wanted things to go beforehand and that helped me feel more confident that I could rely on him to help out if needed.
My mom made breakfast for everyone. They all chatted and had a good time eating together while I got some more time to be with E alone. My little sister kept begging to hold her, but I wouldn’t let her. I was enjoying the time I had with her in my home.
We gave the adoptive family the presents we had made or bought for them and for E. My mom made a beautiful pink and black quilt for E and a mini matching one for a doll we bought for M (E’s older sister). I gave them the scrapbook I had been working on for months. It included letters from many of my immediate and extended family members and close friends. We also gave them some other clothes and cute things for baby E. The adoptive couple gave me a photo album of pictures from the previous week we had shared together with E in the hospital. I loved it, along with the cards they had given me with their thoughts and feelings.
We went around and everyone got to say a little bit about how they were feeling, and this was the emotional part. I loved hearing from everyone and wish I had recorded it. It was especially nice to hear the adoptive father’s thoughts because he is a pretty quiet person. He told me that ‘his heart ached for me’ and that really comforted me. I knew that he understood how bad I was hurting and how much I would later on.
Towards the end, I passed E to my sister and she then passed her on to the rest of the family. Each of them got to hold her one more time and say goodbye. This was important to me because they were such a huge part of this process for me. They loved her so much and always would.
Finally, I was ready for the end to come. We all stood up and I motioned to my case worker that it was time. We all hugged and said our goodbyes. Then my caseworker quietly let the adoptive father know that I would give him E and I did. I chose to give her to him because mentally it was just easier. I wasn’t ready to give her to a new mother just yet, but was glad to give her to her father. They packed up their things in their car and were off.
After they were gone, I had peace. I wasn’t crying anymore. I was with my family and E was with hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I missed her already, but I expected that. I was grateful to have my family with me and know that they loved and supported me in my decision. I was glad that I got to have the placement go the way I wanted it to. It was as perfect as it could have been.
Photo Credit: Janessa & Family