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I was on vacation when the season finale of 16 & Pregnant aired. Upon our arrival home, we had to immediately attend an anniversary party. After we got the kids to bed that night, my husband said, “What do you want to watch?” I didn’t have to answer him; he already knew.
As we began watching it, I had hope. Despite the negative comments left on the page by what I hope to be teenagers without an inkling of real life experience or knowledge of grammar, I thought the two parents portrayed themselves as rather responsible, thoughtful teenagers. Yes, they were a pair of pregnant teenagers which some argue places them in the irresponsible category immediately. However, when I was feeling as if I was an irresponsible human being for the one act (getting pregnant), someone reminded me that one irresponsible act does not make someone an irresponsible human being. These two really embodied that point. Yes, they got pregnant. No, they weren’t going to let that define who they were or how people treated them on their journey.
I’ve got to say, while I still vehemently disagree with following parents who are considering placement around with a video camera, I’m glad that they chose these two. Why? Because there were two of them. So rarely do we get to hear from biological fathers. So rarely do we get to see their love. So rarely do we get to see their love portrayed in tears and smiles and belly hugs. I am glad that MTV didn’t pick what the world wants to view as a typical birth mother. No drugs. The father was present. And darn if they weren’t cute together.
Those things aside, the show really went downhill for me once the agency got involved. I had hope for awhile as their first meeting at the adoption agency wasn’t all that horrible. But, as per usual, things went downhill.
After the birth of the child, once the mother and father decided that they truly wanted to see the baby, they were enjoying their time together. Friends and family stopped by. Pictures were taken. I rejoiced for these two that they made this decision, that they had the time of bonding with their baby girl.
Enter Evil Adoption Agency Woman, Stage Left. And I quote (as I saved it on my DVR, of course):
Since we’re five hours out from delivery, I was wondering if you would feel comfortable with us taking a time out from friends and family and you doing with Brandon and Theresa.
She interrupted their time together. She interrupted their family time. I looked at my husband, demanded he pause the show and all but yelled, “GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!” Not at him, of course, but at the Evil Adoption Agency Woman. She had no right to interrupt their time together. She had no right to give them a time limit on their very brief time together. She had no right. Period.
My final issue with the show was regarding the gift that the adoptive parents gave to (birth) mother. I said that wrong. My issue wasn’t with the gift. The gift, a bracelet that the birth mother, adoptive mother and adoptee all had, was a nice gesture. My issue is that the biological father was totally ignored in this process. Where was his gift? Was he not signing away his rights as well? Had he not been present from day one? Was he not kind and polite to the adoptive family even as they pushed to see the child that they had claimed as theirs? Shouldn’t he have been given something that said, “Thank you,” as well? My husband was really bothered by this, as my husband usually is when it comes to issues of fathers, father’s rights and how fathers are all too often underrated or brushed aside. My heart broke for that father who had, just scenes prior, poured out his soul to his little baby girl. My heart broke for all he was losing. No gift would ease his grief, of course, but… still. Give the brother a break!
Speaking personally and not about the bigger picture of what needs to change in the adoption world, I found it difficult to watch. I cried through most of it, finding the hospital scenes to be especially difficult. The exchange itself was heart-wrenching as I could only think of our very similar one, just about six years ago. Add in the fact that I was given a piece of jewelry in a box that read, “Always in my heart,” and, well, it was all too much for me.
Despite my feelings that the agency really portrayed everything that is wrong with the industry and that it hit far too close to home on a personal level, I wish this newly formed unique family unit (that includes them all) the best of luck in this journey. Knowing that they likely won’t have counseling available when the real issues come up (five years down the road or more), they’ll likely need that luck. I hope that they know that good open adoption relationships can and do exist (us!) but that they’re a lot of hard work. Hard, rewarding work.
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Image Credit: screenshot of the website.
I am an adoptive mother and this episode made me weep. It was so sad to watch…and yes, the agency woman was beyond evil. Her motives where transparent from the beginning all these kids ever really needed was a support network that encouraged them to parent and gave them options (outside of their family) that could widen their perspective on their ability to parent.
I have adopted through foster care and in my children’s cases, they gave the parents a chance to reunify with their children, they were pretty hard on the parents, but parenting is hard and neither of their birth parents were able to meet the requirements to parent their children. I know, however, that adoptive parents have to process their feelings everyday about raising children they did not give birth to. While I deeply empathize with the adoptive parents, they did seem to be over zealous about being with the baby and pretty ambivalent to the birth parent’s pain. Really sad stuff.
While I cannot pretend to understand what the birth parents in this episode were feeling, I am an intern at the agency the birth parents used and am an adult adoptee myself.
I can’t defend the worker’s words and actions, because I can clearly see how hurtful and sensitive they can be toward the birth parents. However, to hear her called “evil” saddens me. I can guess that she was trying to balance the desires or the adoptive parents with the birth parents, and things came out the wrong way. I fully recognize the importance of having time to say goodbye to a birth child before you give them up, but I also can appreciate the extreme anxiety and nervousness and worry that the adoptive parents were feeling at that time. My (adoptive) mother has told me about all the sleepless nights she spent waiting for me, all the nightmares she had that I would be taken away from her.
I asked the director of our branch of Bethany Christian services, who replied with the following (not word for word): Bethany Christian Services takes into account what is best for the baby, and we know that bonding and attachment begin to take place almost immediately at birth. We were most likely trying to give the adoptive parents the ability to begin bonding and attaching as soon as possible with the baby and the baby with them. If the birth parents had made an adoption plan and not seeing the baby was the way she had intended to go, that’s the plan the worker had to go with. She may not have known that the birth parents changed their mind and wanted to see the baby.
I can see why it’s so upsetting that the situation came out that way, but that’s life. Things are not always ideal. As a social worker, knowing what hard work and self-sacrifice adoption social workers do for the best interest of the babies, it’s hurtful to be seen as evil. Especially Bethany Christian Services, that seeks to serve God in every action they take.
Also, Bethany Christian Services worked with the couple because they made the decision to adopt (not parent) on their own, and they respect that decision. They never try to force a choice on any person.
As far as counseling for the birth parents goes, Bethany will work with any member of the adoption triad no matter how far down their paths they’ve gone. Hopefully if this couple needs help in two days, or five years, or fifteen years, they will go to Bethany for help.
Sorry this is so long-winded and unorganized, I just felt rather strongly about the topic. I am in no position to judge.
Anyone who works for a specific agency is often blinded to the unethical practices taking place under their own roof. They are sometimes able to see the problems with other agencies but refuse to look closer at their own agency. It just happens that way. Horror stories exist through Bethany. Look up a blogger named Nicole. I think she’s your biggest fan.
As a potential social worker, you should understand that the lines between decision to parent and decision to place are often blurred. As I stated in my previous post, the cameras present as they attempted to make such a decision can act as a coercive tactic. The agency worker walking in and demanding the time for the adoptive parents was absolutely a coercive factor. While those birth parents must accept their role in the decision making process, the truth is that agencies overstep their role far too often. This was a blatant case of that, caught on camera.
Don’t come into this blog and act like a walking commercial for any agency. I didn’t mention the name of the agency here. You have now made it a Google-able fact that your agency participated in what the rest of the adoption reform world is calling an atrocious representation and an obvious need for reform.
Also, for you to stop in here and tell me, “That’s life,” is more insulting than me calling a spade a spade. Welcome to the real world. You want to talk about not ideal, let’s talk about the large number of birth parents who have had adoptions closed without recourse. Let’s talk about Cindy Jordan. If you don’t know that name, you don’t belong in the industry. (Googling it now doesn’t count.)
Not allowing parents who have just birthed a child as much time as they want, desire or need is evil. No two ways around it. A mother and, in this case, father, need time with their child to reaffirm and remake any inkling of a decision that was made in the months and weeks leading up to birth. The agency worker knew that fact and stomped all over that family’s rights. Spade. Spade. End of story.
I am sure that 16 and Pregnant is some times done very tastefully, but at the end of the day. There should be no cameras or media folks following around a woman who is aobut to give birth, who may or may not place her child for adoption. It is the most heart wrenching thing you can do and it slowly causes you to bleed every day, personal experience. It is such a private moment, that what does this say about us as a society? I am happy the birth father was involved as we hear about them way too little and often they are ignored too. The thing that bothers me the most is adoption agencies, why you ask? Well to me after a woman gives birth she is so up and down hormonally, it is one thing to plan an adoption before birth, but agencies should not be allowed to revisit that till at least 72 hours or even two weeks later so that a true decision can be made. Not one made while hormones are amuck, or it feels forced coerced. Agencies and pre adoptive parents should allow the time needed so that at the end of the day whatever the decision is, somewhere in someone’s heart they know it was the right one.
I just have to chime in here and say that I know of one unethical adoption by Bethany “Christian” Services 18 years ago. Not that the entire adoption was unethical but the birth mom was told that it would be a semi-open adoption and was not told that the adoptive parents could change their mind at any time (which they did).
Just because an agency says they are Christian doesn’t mean they always do the right thing.
I thought it was completely wrong and inappropriate for the agency worker to come in and ask for time for the adoptive parents. And I even support Jenna with her choice word of “evil” as my mouth dropped to the floor when I saw that–I simply couldn’t believe it and went back to see it again–just to make sure I wasn’t imagining it.
Another thing that really hurt me was when the father came down to tell the adoptive parents that mom wanted to see the baby and hold her and spend time with her and they went into a whining spiel on how they were going to take really good care of her and how much they were going to love her. . .not even paying attention to him and his feelings. It was obvious that this was killing him inside. Where was their compassion?!? Kind of on the same line with the gift. I felt like he was just left sitting on the side. Now, I know that there is a possibility of edits and things may have been left out. But it is so rare that the birth father remains involved that I would totally cherish that relationship with him as an adoptive parent.
I also do not agree with some termination laws in states–the one’s where it is irrevocable upon signing and less than 72 hours (even though I don’t think 72 hours is enough time.)
I was also disappointed that it was mentioned (in the show) that it was a semi-open relationship–kind of pointing out that there wouldn’t be any visits–at least I was left with that impression–until the reunion show. Which I didn’t think should have been on camera–but it was. You could see the panic in the adoptive parent’s eyes.
I think I’ll stop here. . .I could write a book on my opinion for sure! :0)
I do believe that the agency worker could have handled things a bit differently, but I also think it is very important for the BABY to get to know the adoptive parents. It’s important for the bonding to start, but its also important for the adoptive couple and the birth parents to interact. I think that it is vital for grief healing, and it is important for the baby.
Sometimes I think people get so wrapped up in the feelings of the birth parents and adoptive couples, that we forget the child/baby. It is there needs that should come first.
Over all I thought the show was amazing and gave a very real look at how adoptions work for the most part. I do wish however they would’ve showed more contact with the adoptive couple and birth parents.
Adoption12; I completely disagree with you. If the baby had been left in her bed while the birth family was discussing things, I might agree with you. Instead, the child was being held by her first parents. At that point in time, they were her ONLY parents. Don’t give me the bonding bull. That child WAS bonding.
New parents considering relinquishment need to be afforded time to make the final decision whether to parent or place. During that time, the child is 100% their own. Bonding with another family is pointless until the decision is made.
Thank you so much for writing about this show. I’m relieved to hear that others out there found the show disturbing and the adoption agency rep evil. The adoption agency rep was inept and apathetic to Catelynn and Tyler throughout the show. When they were in her office and Catelynn was talking about relinquishing and started crying the rep actually said “why does that make you sad”. That woman made veins pop out in my neck. My husband was so disturbed by the show that he walked out of the room. I’ve written about this episode in my blog as well.
Jenna, you may want to take a look at this very interesting, informative article from “The Nation”. It talks extensively of the same agency the teenage parents on “16 and Pregnant” went through. Sounds like the agency has a long history of being rude and callous to birth/first mothers. http://www.thenation.com/doc/20090914/joyce
Yes. I shared the article on Facebook and Twitter and on my personal adoption blog. So glad to see that people recognize the issues that are present in today’s domestic adoption world.