Munchkin’s Birthfather: His Grief, Guilt and Sorrow

I harbored a lot of anger towards Munchkin’s firstfather, L, for a very long time. I didn’t understand how he could leave us high and dry and force me to make the hardest decision of my life while completely alone. Thankfully, therapy helped me work through some of those issues.

At that point, I was able to step back from my grief, guilt and sorrow and take a look at his own. He’s not a man of visible emotions. I’ve known that for the almost ten years we have known each other. He is outwardly strong and powerful. He is intelligent and uses that intelligence to get what he desires, both in good and bad ways. He is also, at his core, human.

While visiting the Munchkin and family at the Jersey Shore this past August, J encouraged me to drop a phone call into L to see if he wanted to pop over for a visit. You see, L lives much, much closer to J & D than I do; about an hour or two. Since we were in Jersey to boot, we figured it would be an easy trip.

During the phone conversation, Munchkin walked over to the phone and said, “Hi L.” (She used his first name.) I then had to leave the hotel room, go out into the hall and listen to one of the strongest men I have ever known sob into the phone. It’s as if hearing her voice made her 100% real. He said it was a beautiful voice. It is, it is.

L has been struggling for almost a year to get up the courage to meet his daughter and her parents. I have been supportive as I can be while still remaining somewhat removed. It has to be his decision. Just when I think he’s going to bite the bullet and do it, he takes a step back. It’s strange for me to watch. I’ve never seen the man be afraid of anything; he raced motorcycles, is starting his own business and has just been an all-around force in every life he touches. To know that a curly-haired, beautiful little girl scares the pants off of him, well, it softens my heart. My anger has all but left me. (I do still have moments of, “AHHHHHRRRRRGHHHH!”)

Most of my anger is now replaced with an understanding that only other firstparents can relate to on any level. No, he wasn’t involved during the pregnancy. She wasn’t “real” to him at that point because he never felt her move and I didn’t forward him any pictures of my growing belly. He did not attend the birth. The agency through which I placed only involved him in the process to get his signatures; nothing more. That, really, does make me sad for him.

L has began a personal relationship with J & D, if only by e-mail at this point. I think that is a huge step for him and I am 100% supportive of all of it. Why? L is, at his core, a decent human being. He made some mistakes. He treated me rather poorly during pregnancy. And do I wish he would have stepped up and done the proper thing, at the very least, supported us financially until I could get on my feet? Yes. But he’s doing what he can now. Munchkin will learn from him where she got some of her athletic qualities. She will be able to see herself in some of his facial expressions.

I’m glad he’s moved past some of his own guilt and the feeling that he has “nothing to offer this perfect little girl” and decided to become a presence in her life. He’s moving slowly, yes. I think that’s all he can handle at this time. I’ve never heard the man cry until this past August.

And in that moment, I knew that he got it. And my heart broke for him as well.

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