Comments on: More Terminology: Gave Up What? http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/more-terminology-gave-up-what A blog for and about parents who have placed a child for adoption. Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:02:45 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: thomasina http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/more-terminology-gave-up-what/comment-page-1#comment-1284 thomasina Sun, 17 Dec 2006 14:38:18 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/10/08/more-terminology-gave-up-what#comment-1284 In my own situation, "gave up" means "was defeated." I fought and fought to keep my child; I thought of every angle and at each turn my parents and my agency threw up a roadblock. In the end, I had no choice but to surrender, to "give up," because I was a minor, had no support from anyone and the law supported my parents' wishes. In my own situation, “gave up” means “was defeated.” I fought and fought to keep my child; I thought of every angle and at each turn my parents and my agency threw up a roadblock. In the end, I had no choice but to surrender, to “give up,” because I was a minor, had no support from anyone and the law supported my parents’ wishes.

]]> By: Andrea http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/more-terminology-gave-up-what/comment-page-1#comment-1283 Andrea Wed, 11 Oct 2006 14:43:31 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/10/08/more-terminology-gave-up-what#comment-1283 I think the issue I have with "gave up" is with what that phrase implies. Maybe it's just me, but the word "giving" sounds like it was done so easily, at will, and without hesitation. Placing my 5 day old son in his a-mother's arms was anything but easy. I <b>surrendered</b> him on that day 14 years ago, I did not just give him away like you give up your favorite pair of jeans that no longer fit. <br /> <br /> When you "give" something up, do you grieve your departure from its life? Do you grieve for the separation between you? See, I contend that with human beings it's far too complex to be referred to in such simple, small words.<br /> <br /> Certainly, people will, and most certainly <i>can</i>, continue to use the phrase "gave up" - and I unvariably will just continue to cringe. I think the issue I have with “gave up” is with what that phrase implies. Maybe it’s just me, but the word “giving” sounds like it was done so easily, at will, and without hesitation. Placing my 5 day old son in his a-mother’s arms was anything but easy. I surrendered him on that day 14 years ago, I did not just give him away like you give up your favorite pair of jeans that no longer fit.

When you “give” something up, do you grieve your departure from its life? Do you grieve for the separation between you? See, I contend that with human beings it’s far too complex to be referred to in such simple, small words.

Certainly, people will, and most certainly can, continue to use the phrase “gave up” – and I unvariably will just continue to cringe.

]]> By: Jenna Hatfield http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/more-terminology-gave-up-what/comment-page-1#comment-1282 Jenna Hatfield Mon, 09 Oct 2006 23:11:31 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/10/08/more-terminology-gave-up-what#comment-1282 Jan, hence the reason I said, "other can. I don't. Here's why." Jan, hence the reason I said, “other can. I don’t. Here’s why.”

]]> By: Jan Baker http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/more-terminology-gave-up-what/comment-page-1#comment-1281 Jan Baker Mon, 09 Oct 2006 15:32:11 +0000 http://birth-first.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/10/08/more-terminology-gave-up-what#comment-1281 A couple of things to keep in mind -<br /> the way the experience felt to us older moms in closed adoptions is likely to be different from moms with open adoptions. Moms in open adoptions may not feel as though they "gave away" their children. However, in closed adoptions, that IS the way it felt. We were never supposed to ever know anything about our children, much less have any contact with them.<br /> <br /> The other fact to remember is the term "place" did not exist in our time. It is not appropriate for us to use words that were not available at that time to describe our experiences.<br /> <br /> "Instead of propagating the use of these outdated and hurtful cliches, those of us touched by adoption can make a positive impact."<br /> <br /> Respectful adoption language ("RAL")was not created with any input by birth families, nor does some of it respect birth families. I am very deliberate in the words that I do use. Although I do not intend to use hurtful language, neither do I want to make adoption seem less harsh for women contemplating adoption than I believe that it really is.<br /> <br /> Lastly, in "RAL" the word "reunion" is not used. "Contact with a birthparent" (or something similar) is used. That is not only disrespectful of those of us in reunion; it is insulting and demeaning. Unfortunately, I believe that it was intended to lessen our experience and make it seem less significant than our reunions often are. Reunion denotes a continuing relationship - "contact with birth parents" indicates much less. <br /> <br /> I DO carefully choose my words, although I may falter at times. I do not use the term "adopter", but I do use the word "reunion". Respect must be given all the triad members, not just the adoptive parents. A couple of things to keep in mind -
the way the experience felt to us older moms in closed adoptions is likely to be different from moms with open adoptions. Moms in open adoptions may not feel as though they “gave away” their children. However, in closed adoptions, that IS the way it felt. We were never supposed to ever know anything about our children, much less have any contact with them.

The other fact to remember is the term “place” did not exist in our time. It is not appropriate for us to use words that were not available at that time to describe our experiences.

“Instead of propagating the use of these outdated and hurtful cliches, those of us touched by adoption can make a positive impact.”

Respectful adoption language (”RAL”)was not created with any input by birth families, nor does some of it respect birth families. I am very deliberate in the words that I do use. Although I do not intend to use hurtful language, neither do I want to make adoption seem less harsh for women contemplating adoption than I believe that it really is.

Lastly, in “RAL” the word “reunion” is not used. “Contact with a birthparent” (or something similar) is used. That is not only disrespectful of those of us in reunion; it is insulting and demeaning. Unfortunately, I believe that it was intended to lessen our experience and make it seem less significant than our reunions often are. Reunion denotes a continuing relationship – “contact with birth parents” indicates much less.

I DO carefully choose my words, although I may falter at times. I do not use the term “adopter”, but I do use the word “reunion”. Respect must be given all the triad members, not just the adoptive parents.

]]>