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In a not-so-easy-to-swallow post yesterday, I advised birth families that attempting to fix or even overtly questioning the changes in parenting style that their child’s parents may employ would be a bad idea. However, when the birth family adds children to their own immediate family, clashes in parenting style can become an issue for the two families. Maneuvering through this still-sticky situation can be complex.
First of all, what am I talking about? Don’t all families parent differently? Why is this an issue? Yes, all families parent differently. There are many different scenarios in which this subject can become an issue between birth and adoptive families. It’s not solely for those involved in open adoption.
Take, for instance, a mother in a closed adoption who assumed that her child would be raised the same religion as she was raised. Imagine her surprise, years later upon reunion, when she found out that her child’s parents changed religions (and not just denominations). It can be a hard pill for a birth parent to swallow to realize that their child was raised with a completely different set of moral values, especially when they assumed that the child would be raised in a similar household.
In open adoption, the issue becomes more complex with the birth family adds children to their own immediate family. If the adoptive parents have changed their parenting style (for any number of valid reasons or otherwise) but the birth family still strongly leans on those beliefs, raising their child in that manner, visits can become an interesting mix of confusion for kids and parents. Birth parents can be tested by their placed child with a sentence like, “But my Mommy doesn’t make me do that.” Or, vice versa for the adoptive parents, presented with, “But my birth mom doesn’t make my brother do that!”
It can be unnerving to be put in the middle, on the spot like that by a child. Before people state that this is a reason to avoid visits in open adoptions, realize that children will do this with cousins, friends and random strangers. It is important, at this point, to remind the child that every family is different. “Just because your sibling’s family is allowed to stay up until ten o’clock at night doesn’t mean you get to, young man.” If your placed child is questioning the rules, a simple answer will suffice: “Well, just because things are different in our homes doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I think we should discuss the differences with your Mom and Dad.” Put the ball in the everyday parent’s court, whether it would be their court or your own.
Helping children realize that differences are okay and to be expected is one step in the journey. Realizing that on your own is an issue all of its own! Perhaps some things that the adoptive family does with your placed child make you question your own reasoning and parenting skills. Perhaps some things they neglect to do make you question their reasoning and parenting skills. Stepping back to realize that differences are to be expected and are legitimately okay is not always easy when it involves someone that you love and cherish: your own child!
If you are dealing with your adult child in reunion, sometimes these issues will create impasses in communication. It will be hard to set aside feelings of anger and resentment towards the adoptive parents for raising your child in a way that you feel has changed who your child could have been if they were raised in your own home. While making sure that you are not being walked upon like a door mat, it is important to weigh the pros and cons as to whether or not dwelling on the differences will help or hinder the relationship that you are trying to form with your child. Will questioning their parents’ skill help anything? Are they actively looking for a change in their life that you can bring? Trying to figure out these things is hard, no doubt, and requires careful consideration and discussion with the adult child. Sometimes, certain issues should be set aside while others should be dealt with in an upfront manner. Figuring those out is the hard part, of course.
All in all, our children that we placed for adoption are going to be different than if we had chosen to or been able to raise them in our own homes. You can’t get around that fact. Learning to recognize those differences and accept them, whatever they may be, is a challenge that all birth families must face. Weighing the pros (a relationship with your child) against the cons (not having any relationship) as you debate whether it is all too much to handle can help you figure out what is best for you and your family at any given time.
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For more, read:
1. When Parenting Styles Change.
3. The Secret Fears of Birth Parents.
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