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I wrote yesterday about the ways we can and cannot compare divorce and open adoption. I still maintain that the relationships between adults is an apples and oranges comparison. I still maintain that children aren’t given the same choices in open adoption that they are in a divorced family as well. But, a commenter brought up the following scenario and, well, it broadened my opinion just a little bit.
Julia left this comment:
I have made the comparison myself, only it was about the child actions, not the parent actions. Our daughters who were adopted at 9 and 15 frequently tried to play their birth family members and us. They would come home, tell us that their grandparents didn’t agree with something we did. They were telling the grandparents the same thing, and then the aunts and uncles. It caused a lot of problems. Of course, they could have all been avoided by communication. Unfortunately, that wasn’t a strong point, too many insecurities.
And if I could reach through my computer and hug Julia, I would. It’s a great point and one that we should discuss here on the birth parent blog.
The truth remains that children are highly perceptive. You can think that you are hiding emotions, insecurities and problems from your children but they can pick up on even the smallest things. For example, my older son knows when I stressed to the hilt and will act out in response. And this is why birth and adoptive parents need to communicate. Openly, honestly and frequently. Starting when the kids are wee-little so that you have the basics down and have moved onto advanced communication by the time the children are old enough to attempt parental manipulation.
(A note: even “good” kids in a married-parents, no-divorce, no-adoption-issues home will attempt some form of manipulation. As an example, I can’t tell you the amount of times that I asked my dad after mom said, “No!”)
If birth and adoptive parents are working together, communicating clearly and have the same end goal (for example, healthy, well-rounded adult), things like this can be handled without major issue. It is wise for birth and adoptive parents in open adoptions to discuss issues like these before they occur. Have a game plan in place so that parties know what to do when the child says something peculiar regarding the other party. If you know that your child’s adoptive parents are unlikely to say that your child can come visit for three months in the summer, plan to phone them when your child says that they said it was okay. If you know that it is highly unlikely for your child’s birth parent to tell your child that they will take her to get her ear’s pierced even if you two have said no, make that phone call before getting angry with the birth parents. This, of course, is another prime example of understanding the boundaries within your open adoption and communicating them properly.
And what to do after an attempted manipulation has taken place? First and foremost, the parents who are doing the everyday, nitty-gritty parenting (meaning the adoptive parents) need to have a sit-down talk with the child and explain the reasons that acting in such a manner is not productive and why it will not be tolerated. Then, if possible, a group meeting (consider a phone call with everyone on phones) should take place so that the child can hear that the birth parent feels the same way and continues to back the adoptive parents’ decisions regarding parenting and discipline. No, it doesn’t sound like a fun time but there are certain aspects of parenting, no matter your title, that aren’t a bowl of cherries.
Apparently I’m all about fruit metaphors lately.
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For more on the relationship with your child’s adoptive parents, read these posts.
