I know too many birth parents who have been promised on-going, open relationships with their relinquished children and their parents only to have the door slammed in their face at some point along the way. Yet the media doesn't cover their stories. It seems that the voice of pain is only given to families who have experienced failed matches or overturned adoptions. And so, today I was both shocked and saddened to see that someone is getting some coverage on the topic of a once open, now closed adoption.

It seems that the biological father of Madonna's (adopted) son is voicing his sadness, anger and regret for allowing his son to be adopted. Apparently Madonna promised to remain in contact with the father and has failed to do so.

I cannot say I am surprised. First of all, celebrity adoptive parents don't seem, to me, to be the best candidates for open adoptions. Why? Open adoptions involve a lot of work. They involve open, honest communication. I think that's a lot to ask from people who crave their privacy wherever they can get it. I'm sure it would be possible with a true gem of a celebrity but part of me can't even blame the majority of them for choosing closed adoptions. With such busy lives, it would be hard to incorporate another individual in such an intimate way. Granted, I'd love to see a celebrity break this stereotype and mold and really promote open adoptions in a positive way. But again, I'm just not surprised.

That said, I am angered, of course. If a birth parent is promised openness, they should be delivered such a thing. It is so saddening to read his words.

“Now I fear that my child will never know his roots and will not know me. He is the only surviving child I have and I regret the whole thing now. It’s so painful sometimes to realise [sic] that I have been forgotten.”

Oh, it just hurts. I want to find this man, hold his hand and tell him that he is not alone. So many others have walked his path, lived this journey and, though ridden with pain, have survived. In the end, he will not truly be forgotten, of course. We aren't forgotten. We are seen in the eyes of our children. It's not the same, of course, but we are always present wherever our children may be. They are little pieces of our heart, soul and being.

I'm sure some will take one quote and turn it into something it is not meant to be.

"This pains me because it looks like he is not my son any more."

Anti-birth parent people will jump all over that quote and say, "Well, he's not! You signed over your rights!" Signatures aside, our children are still our children. Some people don't want us to use the words sons and daughters. Some people even want to remove the words mother, father and parent after the determiner of birth, demoting us to birth people and, even worse, baby donors. But they will always be our children, in our hearts, our memories and many other ways and reasons. Deny us if you must but facts remain.

I don't know the reasons that Madonna has chosen to cut out this particular first father. She was even in the country last year and chose not to visit or contact him, a total dissing of the promise she made. Not only did she disrespect this father but she disrespected her child. I don't think she realizes that as her every move is detailed (since she is a celebrity), her son will have access to all of this information at some point in time. Other adoptive parents that have closed adoptions without thought of the future can often hide under lies and secrecy. Madonna doesn't have that option. I hope she realizes how that might be detrimental to the future relationship with her son.

All in all, reasons aside, my heart breaks for this man. May he find healing and peace in some way. We all fight for that, no matter our circumstance. It's a hard road to walk, of course, when it feels as though you're walking it totally on your own. I hope he knows that he's not alone. We are never alone.

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For more on celebrity adoptions, read these posts.



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