Love Thursday: What Love IS

Today’s Love Thursday picture might confuse some people. If you look at the picture without knowing our stories, you just might not understand. This was taken during our first visit. This was just under two years before L, Munchkin’s birthfather, decided that he could emotionally handle contact with the family who is parenting his firstborn child. And so, at that time, a family picture was this: J, D, Munchkin, me and Josh. (It would have included the three older boys as well but teenagers and formal portraits? Not a chance for us!)

I’m feeling particularly loving towards my Husband today, perhaps due to yesterday’s “holiday.” Most likely due to the fact that is love is so amazing in every shape and form.

Josh has always been involved in the Munchkin’s life, even prior to her birth. Josh and I were not dating when he was deployed, stating that we would reevaluate everything when he came home from war. I was not prepared for how his absence, due due to war, would effect me considering we were not a couple. Oh, and then I got pregnant by an ex-boyfriend! That wasn’t a fun letter to write to Josh… at all.

Imagine my surprise when I received an un-angry phone call from him shortly before they returned home. Imagine my surprise when he said he wanted to see me. I drove two hours to his mother’s home and we talked about things: the baby, me, him, war, us. At this point in my pregnancy, very early on, I was still bound and determined to parent. Josh was understanding and supportive.

As my pregnancy took a complicated turn for the worse and I found myself unable to work (or, you know, leave my apartment), Josh still remained supportive. When I told him that I was considering adoption, he didn’t try to talk me out of it but allowed me to have open dialogue with him concerning my emotions. For those who think Josh was the reason I placed the Munchkin, I can share with you this sentiment he shared with me one evening over dinner.

I just wish I could take her for you.

Josh was as in love with the Munchkin as anyone else; he bonded with her. While watching television one night, he laid his head on my stomach and she kicked him square in the temple. He sang songs to her. They had discussions. He was prepared to be a father to my child.

At the same time, he held me as I cried after my first meeting with J and D. He let me talk, endlessly, about adoption issues. He wanted to tell off the lawyer on more than one occasion. He was involved in every part of the process through the parenting and adoption decisions… but he missed the birth of the Munchkin.

Josh is in the Army National Guard and has drill one weekend a month. Of course, babies aren’t born at convenient times so it figures that the Munchkin would come when he couldn’t make the drive. He arrived at the hospital in the evening hours after she was born. Since the hospital was cold, callous and lacking an ounce of compassion, I didn’t have the Munchkin in my room that first night. By the time Josh got there, J and D had already left which meant that the Munchkin had been taken to the nursery.

Josh couldn’t come the next day, still being Army drill weekend. He wrote this following lament after returning home that night, never getting to see or hold the Munchkin.

It’s my own fault for becoming so attached to you. It’s my own fault that I feel the way I do right now. I missed your arrival because… well, no excuse. Just answering the call. I wanted so much to be there. I caught a fleeting glimpse of you in the nursery as I rushed past… not knowing it was you at the time. I was in such a hurry. You brought me to my knees in a cold blustery parking lot when I left. Somehow I’ve got to figure this out. I can’t just un-love you. I can’t do that and I won’t. This just isn’t going to be easy you know. Missing the rappa tapping on your momma’s belly and all that. I guess that asking to be more than just a face in the crowd was a little too much and I know that God puts me where He wants me because He has a plan for every one of us. Even you little one. I believe that completely… but someone should tell Him that it’s hard to pick up the pieces of a broken heart with teary eyes. So I drove home with you on my mind and flipping through my cd’s to find that perfect song to ease the pain. Even after realizing that there would be no such melody to lighten this heavy heart I just kept searching. Seems that searching for things is one thing I do well because I’ve had quite a bit of practice at it. Sitting here I could just use a hand on my shoulder and someone telling me that it’s going to be ok. At least I have your momma to love because I would be so lost without her.

I cry every time I read his words, his anguish. I’ve been dealing with the guilt I have over the hurt I caused Josh by placing Munchkin in therapy. But that’s not what this post is about…

It’s about the love that my Husband, then just boyfriend, had for a little girl that wasn’t his biologically… and it didn’t matter to him. He loved her. He does love her. For anyone who ever doubted Josh’s involvement, this is your proof. He loves her, fully and wholly, without anger, resentment or blame. That feeling hasn’t changed over the years.

Happy Love Thursday. I can only hope some of you have an inkling of the love that my Husband has!

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.