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Love Thursday joins us again. Sometimes sharing pictures, moments in time, isn’t easy for me. This picture happens to be one of those times. This was the first time I held my daughter, well after her birth. Sadly, our hospital staff was not educated on anything related to open adoption and I didn’t hold the Munchkin until after J, after D, after my Mom and after my best friend. To be fair to everyone, I did have a brand new resident doctor doing the stitches from my episiotomy and had to be given a shot of stadol. Yet do I think I should have been afforded the first hold? Yes.
Moving on from sadness, this picture is hard for me to look at. First of all, do let it be known that the stadol was still very much in my system here so that if my face looks blank and devoid from emotion, it’s simply not true. My heart was exploding. No one, not even my own Mother, had told me how holding my child… MY CHILD… for the first time would feel. The rush of emotion and adrenaline was almost enough to counteract the drugs. Almost! She was crying, as babies do, but it made me feel guilty. So very, very guilty. I figured, “I’m her Mom. I carried her for nine months. I should know how to fix this, stop this, make it better.”
I felt so much in those moments. Amazing love. Fear. Sadness. Shock. Pain, physical and emotional. I never wanted to let her go. I wanted to hold her in my arms for the rest of time. But, obviously, I didn’t. In fact, our first night at the hospital, I wasn’t afforded any time with my child. The nurses on staff that first night neglected to tell me that I could ask for my child. Thankfully the nurses working the next day were a bit more humane.
Perhaps some don’t see the love in this photograph or hear it in this story, but every single word and every single pixel is laden with nothing but pure, unconditional love. Of course, I’m now crying as I write this so I should go.
Love you, Munchkin. See you soon.
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Be sure to visit the creators of Love Thursday, Chookooloonks and Momster and their ongoing project entitled Love is All Around. And if that’s still not enough, don’t forget to check out the flickr photo pool. HAPPY LOVE THURSDAY!
*sniff*
no words, just no words. *hugging you tight* through the internet.
and more tears.
Drugs or no, that shot oozes love.
Aw, Jenna, I didn’t get the first hold either, but I did have a c section…. That’s a priceless photo. You need to print this post out and save it for the Munchkin one day.
tissues!!!!! where are they when you need them.
That is an absolutely beautiful picture and I agree with Coley, print it out and give it to her someday.