This might be surprising to some but adoption is not always rainbows and butterflies. (Did you hear, or, rather, see my sarcasm?) Sometimes it’s made up of really hard work. Sometimes it’s not so much hard work as it is hard “stuff.” Emotions, situations and issues can pile up outside of the adoption-connected relationships and make it hard for people to work on other things.
And ya know, that’s okay.
Speaking generally, D has been having some tough times as of late. I know that if our relationship wasn’t what it is, she would have either neglected to tell me anything by pushing me off while she dealt with things or acted as if everything was hunky-dory. Instead, she’s who she is, I’m who I am and our relationship is what it is. She has shared some hard things with me and, I think, I’ve been relatively supportive for being as far away as I am, separated by an awfully wide state. Virtual hugs might lose something (as in physical touch) in the process but the thought is still there with that hug!
Similarly, though it has taken me some time and communication mistakes on my end, I know (now!) that I can go to D when something is bother me, whether it’s about adoption, the Munchkin, our one-on-one relationship or my life in general. I have learned that doesn’t always mean that I get a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, of course. Sometimes things are going to be hard to talk about in relation to adoption or our relationship. But I’ve learned, oh, sigh, the hard way, that not talking about things only creates bigger problems! While I still get anxious (if it’s adoption related), I know that going to D with questions and problems will create a faster, healthier resolution. And when it comes to my own, personal life? Well, she’s just a great sounding board! She tells me to go to bed when it’s two o’clock in the morning!
I know that not all birth and adoptive mothers are able to share a relationship like we do. I know that when things get tough in personal lives, some people tend to clam up and hide. I know that some birth mothers don’t want their child’s adoptive mother to see them as “dysfunctional,” and so they hide their personal issues in hopes of seeming well put-together. I know that, on the flip side, some adoptive mothers don’t want their child’s first mother to know that they, too, have normal, human problems and thus keep things to themselves. I know that not every birth-adoptive mom relationship blooms into an actual friendship, allowing for free-flowing discussion on topics outside of adoption.
But, to be honest, I’m glad we’re not one of any of those possible scenarios. I hate that D is struggling right now; not because she’s my daughter’s mother but because she’s my friend. Just like when my other best friend, whom I met in college, is having a rough time, I like to be there for D. I like when she’s there for me!
I love the relationship we’ve forged even when things are rough for us on personal levels. I love that she can come to me without fear of judgment and that I can do the same. I believe when we share things like this, we become closer and, because of that, the Munchkin (and all those boy kids) benefits.
For more Love Thursday, read:
2. Parenting Advice.
3. Nice Notes.