Some people take offense when a birth parent refers to having "lost a child to adoption." However, I do not quite comprehend that rationale. When a child is placed in a closed adoption, its first parents lose their normal parental rights to have any contact with that child, know their identity or how they are doing.

When placing a child in a closed adoption, that child is in essence lost forever in the eyes of their birth parents. There is no certainty that you will ever know who or where your child is living, how they are faring or even if they are still alive.

In my view that IS losing a child. You may or may not lose the chance to ever see your child or know their fate. A reunion is in a sense as if a lost child comes back from the dead. For birth parents who have tried to sever the bond in their minds, it may feel as though your child is resurrecting themselves.

I mean no disrespect to anyone who has lost a child to death, as I know that is final and different. All I am saying is that may be how it feels to a birth parent. Some birth parents deal with the loss of their child by banishing thoughts of that child as a survival technique.

As terrible as it sounds, a birth parent might try to pretend that their child never existed. In a sense, dealing with the loss might be easier that way. It can be a tremendous shock when a child suddenly reappears when you never expect that they will.

Most birth parents are unable to banish thoughts of their children from their minds. However, they still lost the right to parent, to watch their children grow and all the rest that being a parent entails. "Lost" does not always mean that something is hidden and cannot be found.

Further Reading:

Are Adoptees Lost?

Core Issues in Adoption - Loss


Photo by Jan Baker 2007