Living in the Same City

A recent discussion on the forums has adoptive parents talking about how they would feel if the birth parents moved to their city. As a birth parent who doesn’t plan on moving until my Husband retires, I wondered the flip side of the question.

How would you (or I) feel, as a birth parent, if the adoptive family moved to your (or my) city?

Depending on the size of your city (mine is small!) and your similar likes (many) and dislikes, running into your child’s adoptive family without warning could be a possibility in this situation. Unless you stay in your house all day, everyday, people need things like gas, milk and Starbucks. (What? It’s true!) How would you handle things like this and other issues which are likely to crop up?

With boundaries, of course.

Adoptive parents are quick to talk about the importance of boundaries but birth parents are usually hesitant to set them for fear of offending the adoptive family. This is not a case where those fears should win out. Setting those boundaries is important for your well-being and, if you have your own family, the well-being of your parented children.

1. Discuss what to do if you accidentally meet in public. How do you want to be addressed if they are shopping with someone else? Do you want to be introduced as your child’s birth mother or not? Do you want them to even speak to you or would you rather just nod at one another and talk later? You also need to know how they would like to be addressed to any of your shopping/traveling companions.

2. Discuss visits. If distance was a previous issue regarding visits, well, it’s certainly not one now! However, while everyone fears that the birth parents are always the ones doing the uninvited dropping in, the door swings both ways. If they are totally new to the area, they may come to rely on you and your knowledge of the area to meet others and get around. Let them know how much contact you are actually comfortable with at any given time. If you were previously used to yearly visits, suddenly seeing one another once a week may be harder than you thought. Be honest about these feelings and try to work out something that works for all.

3. Don’t forget the importance of letters to your child. Now that you’re close enough to make visiting a regularity, I encourage you not to forget to send things via snail mail to your child on occasion. Visits may be lost in the memory bank. Physical letters can be saved forever.

4. Prepare those you are closest to, those that know about your child. If your extended family lives in the same area, let them know that your child’s family has moved into the area and that the possibility for a run-in exists. Make a plan with your child’s family for how these are to be handled. Let your child’s parents know who is comfortable with being approached and who would rather smile, nod and continue on their way.

5. COMMUNICATE! Communication is important in any relationship, it’s true. But when a dynamic like location changes, it is vitally important for all involved to be open and honest about how the changes are affecting various groups. If you’re feeling like the contact is too much or too little, let them know. Emphasize the importance of their honesty. Make it a point to reevaluate things every now and then to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Realize that your feelings, even if they don’t quite make sense to you at first, are valid. While the general population will probably assume that you are jumping for joy, it’s okay if you are not. (It is also a-okay to jump for joy!) Don’t feel forced into a set of emotions just because someone else thinks you should be feeling that way. Also, if you can’t make sense of your emotions or if they are affecting your everyday life, don’t forget that a counselor or therapist could help you make this transition as an unbiased third party.

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For more on relationships with the adoptive parents in open adoption, read these posts.

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