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In magazines, self help books and blogs on various topics, you might have run across the advice to do your best to live “an authentic life.” What is an authentic life? More over, what is a non-authentic or fake life? While I’m not a professional on the matter with a degree in psychology or self-help-stuff, I do know that I try to live my life as authentically as possible. I try to present myself to those I run across in the most real, legitimate way possible.
This can be troubling for birth parents.
It was once troubling for me as well. Before I found enough inner peace to allow me the ability to discuss adoption with anyone who crossed my path, I couldn’t live my own form of authenticity. While I will agree that there is a difference between telling the truth and having private thoughts or issues, I know that toeing the fine line can lead to lying. Lying is never authentic.
So how are birth parents meant to be true to themselves, still respect their own privacy and live authentically? Beats me!
No, I say that in jest. The truth is that living authentically as a birth parent will differ with each of us. However, when it boils down to the very core of the issue, finding peace with your personal adoption journey is the only way to live an authentic life. (That goes for anyone: adoptive parent, single parent, everyday parent, Jane Doe and Joe Schmoe included.) Finding peace, understanding your journey and living your story as you decide is as authentic as it gets.
It’s taken me awhile. Sometimes I still struggle. Sometimes I fail at living my version of birth parent authenticity. The failures usually occur when I’m struggling to accept a new change or when I feel overwhelmed with everything that adoption is in my life. Most of the time, however, as I peacefully accept what adoption has become to my family, I have no problem living authentically. My authenticity is a mix of happiness and sadness, a mix of pushing for reform and pushing to keep up with the changes that exist in our unique situation. I live somewhere in the middle of it all, trying to make it, day by day.
How about you? What’s your version of birth parent authenticity?
I couldn’t agree more about finding peace with yourself. I thought I had been doing a really good job of that after all it was 30 years ago but once I learned that she started looking for me 12 years ago it all came back. I felt like a huge wave of emotions that I had buried deep within me came flooding back. It has only been a few weeks since we have connected but these have been some of the most fulfilling days. When I got the first letter from her and she said thank you for what you did for me, I think that was when I finally found true peace.
How to be authentic? 25 years ago after relingquishin my son, I felt I couldn’t tell anyone. I left my life for 9 months and when I returned, I was a completely different person…but no one knew. It was like walking around in my life inside a big bubble. There was a huge vacuum between the real me and the person everyone thought they knew. NO ONE in my life really knew me at that point and it was overwhelmingly isolating. I experienced the most profound loneliness. You need people in your life who know you and this has to include sharing your adoption experience. Does this mean telling everyone you meet? No. It’s not necessary. When there is a purpose or value in sharing it, by all means do so.