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Yesterday we talked about the first half of chapter eight in Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption. Today we’re tackling the second half of the chapter which is about birth parent regret. (Don’t forget to read the previous post which talks about the how’s and why’s of that regret while giving specific examples regarding birth parent experience.)
Gritter is quick to note that the effects of regret can be negative. In fact, he states that the positive functions are poorly designed to produce useful effects. After all, regret is an “after the fact” kind of emotion. Regretting the placement of a child will make it highly likely that a mother or father would not place another child (and thus refrain from putting themselves in a similar situation) but that doesn’t do much to cure the regret that one is feeling in the present situation, now does it?
The author notes, as I mentioned in my own description of regret, that the emotions felt by the regretful birth parent can be used to help others.
[...] it may be of use to others. Some birthparents transform their regret into something positive by directing their energy toward reforming the institution of adoption. Rather than feeling defeated by their frustrations, they find satisfaction in working to improve practices in the field. This constructive channeling of their energies helps them avoid dwelling on their regrets in an unproductive fashion.
Of course, in the negative realm, regret has the ability to run amok like a destructo-robot. In fact, it’s our “dislike for regret” that “gives it its power.” Since we don’t like regret, since we’re scared by what it could mean, we often times ignore it. Ignoring it only causes it to fester, to grow. Gritter says this is no way to go about it.
Unchecked, sustained regret has the power to erode our effectiveness and erase our self-confidence.
That doesn’t sound good. He goes on to say that because no one likes to talk about or deal with regret, it often breeds isolation in the person going through the issues. With no one to talk to or turn to regarding their emotional state of being, the regretful birth parent may withdraw from everyone else. Unfortunately, that also includes that adoptive family and child with which she is to be building a strong relationship. He goes on to say that regret creates a sense of helplessness while, at the same time, allowing the birth parent to feel something, even if it is negative, other than hopelessness and despair.
Gritter then launches into a discussion on the “two poles of regret.” On one hand, you have the wistful regret. It’s not very scary. It boils down to wishing that the necessity for placement had never existed but accepting that things are the way that they are. On the other hand, repudiating regret causes a birth parent to go about “fixing” the regret in any form possible; unpredictable and scary in nature, this kind of regret is the stuff that the media latches onto in feature stories about birth parents demanding their children back after the Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has been signed. Yes, that’s scary regret. To ease the fears of readers, Gritter lets us know that on the varying scale, most birth parents fall on the wistful side of regret and very few fall under the heading of repudiating regret.
Of special note, Gritter brings up a point about repudiating regret that I think birth parents should be aware of as they work through their own loss issues. Repudiating regret, instead of acting in a way to get the placed child back from the adoptive family, can show itself in the form of another pregnancy for the birth parent. I’ve always said that it is vitally important for birth parents to consider their reasons for wanting to add another child to their immediate family. Gritter asks some important questions in this section as well to help birth parents better understand why one child will never take the place of another.
So what’s a birth parent to do with all this stuff? Gritter starts off by saying: don’t give up on the relationship.
As painful as involvement with the adoptive family can be, particularly in the early stages when losses are felt most acutely, I believe the path of greatest emotional risk for birthparents is the one that leads them away from the child.
And so, who should a birth parent turn to? While Gritter is a big supporter of adoptive parent and birth parent sharing, he understands that regret is often very hard for adoptive families to swallow, even though many birth parents go out of their way to assure those adoptive parents that they are not the cause of said regret. He states that an impartial third party, such as a therapist, should be the one involved in helping the birth parent work through these emotional issues. (He also states that the original placing agency should be helping birth families deal with such things but we know my thoughts on how agencies tend to drop the families as soon as the money has changed hands. Also, unethical agencies have been known to turn around and tell the adoptive parents everything the birth parents have told them in supposed confidence. Impartial third parties, like confidential therapists, seem much safer to me.)
Furthermore, what’s all this regret going to do to the adoptee? This is something that many, many birth parents worry about. (Myself included.) Gritter’s words are of a calming nature to those fears.
Truthfully, many adoptees, like to hear about their birthparents’ feelings of regret, for this ongoing discomfort testifies tot he fact that out of sight does not mean out of heart and mind.
However, and that’s a strong however, Gritter goes on to say that it is the birth parents’ duty to find a middle ground in not “overplaying” the regret (and thus leading the adoptee to possible insecurity with the adoptive family) and “underplaying” the regret (and thus leading the adoptee to believe they were underappreciated by the birth family). Not easy but very necessary.
And, well then, can anything be done to prevent this regret? In short: no. Gritter tells adoption professionals in this section that they need to be mindful of the regret. If they see an expectant parent already talking about regret, perhaps parenting needs to be discussed. If placement is absolutely necessary and regret is definitely going to follow, it needs to be discussed ahead of time. Furthermore, knowing that regret can happen in the best of scenarios, birth and adoptive families need to be prepared for such a topic. Expectant parents also need to be allowed to make that decision to parent, even if it is at the last minute, without fear of retribution or anger from the agency or adoptive family. The reason?
Open adoptions that are fully endorsed by birthparents can be wonderful, but it is equally clear that regret-filled open adoptions can be emotionally devastating for everyone involved.
And so, what does Gritter say to do once regret is in the birth parents life? In short, because I believe you need to read this section yourself (so grab the book), a birth parent needs to take responsibility, continue to allow the grieving process to happen in its natural way, learn to utilize the positives that can be felt regarding ambivalence in adoption and use constructive hope to further your relationship with your child and the family.
Gritter ends the chapter with this and, quite frankly, it sums up the entire chapter quite well, don’t you think?
Ultimately, regret is more something to be weathered than fixed. Perhaps when all is said and done, there is little more we can do with regret except to learn to live with it with a measure of grace. And that’s no small thing.
Tomorrow we’ll start the last part of the book (Part Three) by talking about why birth parents have an important role in open adoption.
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For more on Lifegivers, read:
1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.
9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.
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Photo Credit: Book cover.
