It's hard work to be a "good" birth parent and chapter twelve of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption acknowledges that fact. Entitled, "When the Adoption Dust Settles: Optimal Birthparenting," James L. Gritter takes an in depth look at what birth parents can do, for themselves, adoptive parents and their children, to create the "best case scenario."

He is careful to mention that one of the most important things to keep in mind about the optimal nature of the open adoption relationship is its adaptability. Each family's experiences will be shaded and colored by specifics, personalities and the capabilities of each person involved. His list, as well, is not meant to discourage those birth parents who are doing the best they can, considering the current circumstances. Lastly, before talking in depth about this optimal form of birth parenting, he wants readers to understand that this is not a list of "expectations." Birth parents should not place it upon themselves (or be forced to feel) that they should be "perfect." No one is perfect.

All that said, Gritter jumps into what he considers to be "optimal birth parenting." I'll give you a direct quote so as to preserve the visual list.

Experience has taught us to encourage birthparents to

* recover from their losses,

* move forward toward fulfilling their lifelong goals and dreams,

* persevere in their open adoption relationships, and

* enjoy personal transformation.

Gritter jumps right on top of the thing that birth parents might think upon reading that list: "recovering" from the loss. He mentions that, only a generation ago, first parents were encouraged to "forget that the baby was ever born." Denying that something happened does not make it go away. Denial is not recovery or healing. And so, for birth parents to begin to recover from their losses, the grieving process has to be allowed to happen. How? Tackling loss at a personal and manageable pace, identifying those losses and fully acknowledging them, especially how they pertain to the individual situation at hand (as opposed to the general adoption world). Doing this involves things that are uncomfortable, like addressing relationships that were strained by the adoption process (among other things!).

Next, he tackles the idea of "moving on." Not to be confused with forgetting the child or living in denial. No, Gritter is talking about finding a balance in the birth parent's life. Not denying the presence of grief and loss nor overly immersed in such things! The optimal birth parent does have confusion about the roles of caregiver and lifegiver and a trust is formed between the adult parties. Of course, trust cannot be forced and is fostered over time with consistency. He goes on to say that optimal birth parents look towards the future, not just the immediate problems at hand.

He then talks about the ability for birth parents to move forward but remain actively involved in their open adoptions relationships. He mentions that while ambivalence exists in the adoption experience, as a whole, it shouldn't exist with relation to the child him/herself.

An effective lifegiver wholeheartedly and unambivalently affirms, honors, and delights in her child's existence, and this reveling spirit is great news for the adopted child.

While the birth parents might have their own hopes and dreams for the adoption, the child is always placed first by an optimal birth parent. And while the relationship may be, at times, challenging, an effective birth parent tries to find the joy in the birth-adoptive parent relationship. Holding up their end of the bargain, they continue to learn, sometimes by trial and error, the ins and outs of their own personal experience with open adoption, realizing that "no one can ever master the open adoption experience." It's a constant learning process.

Gritter does make a note that everything he has spoken of, thus far, assumes an adoptive family that is equally invested in the idea of openness and the relationship between themselves and the birth family. There are birth parents that continue to place their children in high priority even when facing difficult adoptive families and they, too, are practicing "optimal" birth parenting. They are to be commended for their commitment to their child even in the face of adversity.

Finally, he talks about the transformation that birth parents undergo by the adoption experience. No first parent walks away from the relinquishment of a child completely unchanged or unscathed. While scars are to be expected, personal growth can be expected as well (even if the process takes awhile!). Due to the lack of need for secrets in open adoption, these birth parents know the liberating feeling that being viewed as "imperfect" by peers and family members can bring. Yes, judgment as well but there's something to be said about being able to be totally honest about something that others might view as negative. Gritter also notes that birth parents also have a great compassion for others in need, which is why so many of them continue to speak about their adoption experiences.

Emboldened with the knowledge that she is not alone, an effective lifegiver will at least occasionally set aside the comfort of invisibility and share the truth of her personal experience. In doing this, she takes an important step toward improving the shadowy image of birthparents. Some will do more. Some will become actively involved in the adoption reform movement and do their best to improve the institution for those who follow.

(Perhaps that should just be quoted at the top of this blog any time someone questions the point of portraying birth parents in a good light!)

Gritter ends the chapter by reminding readers that effectiveness does not erase tragedy. He acknowledges that the separation of mother and child involves a sadness that simply does not "go away." He then presents a parallel, not contradictory challenge, that birth parents can tap into the power of cooperative adoption to help them through the grief while simultaneously creating themselves into a "better" or, rather, more effective person.

The chapter contains many more illustrations of each point and I encourage all to pick it up and read it!

Tomorrow we'll talk about what can be done to further encourage birth parents to be full status members of the open adoption agreement.

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

6. Lifegivers: Chapter Five.

7. Lifegivers: Chapter Six.

8. Lifegivers: Chapter Seven.

9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.

10. Lifegivers: The Second Half of Chapter Eight.

11. Lifegivers: Chapter Nine.

12. Lifegivers: Chapter Ten.

13. Lifegivers: Chapter Eleven.


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Photo Credit: Book cover.