As we near the end of Lifegivers: Framing the Birthparent Experience in Open Adoption, James L. Gritter takes a look at what needs to be changed and done in order to fully include and encourage birth parents in open adoption. Entitled, "Welcoming Birthparents as Full-Status Participants in the Adoption Process," Gritter calls out the faults with our current adoption system and gives some friendly tips to adoptive parents. Before launching into what needs to be changed, Gritter states that the fault that the system is tipped in favor of adoptive parents is not their fault. It is the fault of a flawed system.

He then begins to list a number of things that adoption professionals need to incorporate into their own agencies or programs to foster better results for birth parents and, thus, the whole triad. We're talking some serious reform here, folks!

Gritter starts out by talking about accessibility. Since the majority of expectant parents considering adoption don't know much about the process when they begin looking for an agency or program, too many fall into the trap of believing that all programs are the same. A truly good program, with a heart for ethical and fair treatment, will be able to show that they are different and special from the get-go.

Then he hits on the main thing that so many birth parents pushing for reform are talking about: problem solving! Instead of immediately making an adoption plan for a mother when she walks in the door, an agency that is concerned with the best possible outcome will work with that mother to see what, if anything, can be done regarding the issues of necessity that she is feeling, the ones that brought her in the door of the agency in the first place.

Adoption planning does not make any sense until we have first done all we reasonably can to resolve the issues of necessity. Family preservation should come first.

That's some truly reformed thinking right there!

Gritter continues to get controversial when he suggests that expectant parents be viewed as the "first client." I need to quote directly again for you to get the true feel of what this point entails.

Instead of working with potential birthparents because it enables them to meet the needs of prospective adoptive parents, exemplary programs work diligently to prepare effective adoptive parents to meet the needs of prospective birthparents.

Too often, birth parents are treated as second-class citizens when it comes to the adoption decision. By placing their need of a family for their child above the want of a child (by the adoptive family), an agency would be best serving the child as well. (Of note: the italicized need in the previous sentence is assumed on the basis that the ethical agency we are speaking of has worked with the expectant family to solve any problems of necessity and has come to the conclusion, based on the previous idea from Gritter, that placement is the best course of action.)

Gritter goes on to say that adoption professionals need to identify with their birth parent clients. He asks how these professionals can expect adoptive parents to identify with their plight and losses if they, themselves, can't put the birth parent shoes on and walk around for awhile. In an attempt to identify with the hard choices and overwhelming grief, professionals will be less likely to treat expectant parents and birth parents in a poor manner.

He then challenges professionals to recognize the strengths of the expectant parent. While the mother or father may be overwhelmed by their unplanned pregnancy, they didn't come to the drawing board with absolutely nothing to offer. They have strengths and it is the job of the professional to figure out what those are and encourage the birth parent to utilize them in seeking out an adoptive family and continuing with an open adoption. Professionals are then to remind these expectant parents that they have a lifelong importance to the child that they are placing. While the previous generations wrote off the importance of birth parents as a one time event (giving birth and handing the child over), we now know that birth parents have a lot to offer. However, expectant parents coming to the table of adoption may not have yet had their own beliefs and stereotypes broken. They need to be taught that they have much to offer their child with consistent contact. They will not learn this if the adoption professionals do not strive to make it known.

An even bigger challenge that Gritter offers up is to treat birth and adoptive parents equally. (Any cynics in the crowd just roll their eyes, too?) He goes on to say that what benefits one group will benefit the other.

An insight that is meaningful for one group is invariably meaningful to the other. There's nothing we might say to one group that we would not feel comfortable saying to the other.

Basically, he's saying that both groups need to be told the same things about adoption and they need to be treated in the same manner. If you're not going to hold everything the expectant family says in confidence, you don't need to hold anything the adoptive family says in confidence either. (Or, vice versa on that thinking, of course.)

Gritter reminds professionals that since they are encouraging their clients to communicate with candor, they better be offering up the same thing. He says that birth parents deserve clear and concise information on the program's beliefs, procedures and expectations. In fact, he takes it as far as the point that professionals are in charge of the ideal of making sure that expectant parents "know everything there is to know about adoption." That means that no information can be left out in hopes of getting the expectant mother and father to sign on the dotted line when the time comes.

He goes on to say that birth parents need a "safe" place in the agency. Not physical safety but the safety to make their own decisions. While we see today's agencies saying and doing anything possible to get parents to place, a truly ethical program would offer up the information (the good AND bad) and let the parent make the decision for him/herself.

Gritter then hits on three post-placement things that need to be available to birth families (and adoptive families). One is skill building to help birth parents form that relationship with the adoptive family. The next is grief work, in whatever form the birth parent desires, whether it's continued counseling through the agency or a separate third party. (AMEN!) The last is troubleshooting. While birth and adoptive families should always try to resolve issues on their own, agencies should be available to act as an intermediary when things come to an impasse.

He then reminds professionals that they have an invaluable resource on their hands: the opinions of the first parents who have been through their program. You can learn a lot from each individual birth parent; they all have a unique experience and opinion to offer. He encourages professionals to listen to their opinions and make changes as necessary.

Lastly, he reminds professionals that they, at times, may need to act as an advocate for the expectant parent, especially in the planning phase of the open adoption. Due to the pressures of the plans and the feelings of inadequacy, some expectant mothers and fathers may shy away from actively planning. When professionals see an unbalanced plan for contact taking shape, they need to speak up for the birth family and push things in a more appropriate direction.

Of course, the key to all of this is for adoption professionals to prepare adoptive families as best as they can for the lifelong commitment of open adoption. Offering up some helpful tips, Gritter then gives a list of "friendly pointers" to adoptive parents to fully include birth parents in the open adoption relationship. (These are a direct quote but without the lengthy explanations!)

1. Face your fears.

2. Create an atmosphere of inclusion and belonging.

3. Go to them. Enter their space. Let the relationship be reciprocal and balanced.

4. Since your life circumstances may be more settled than theirs, operate as though the ball is always in your court. Take initiative to keep the relationship lively and current.y

5. Communicate frequently.

6. Communicate clearly.

7. Encourage a sense of teamwork, with an eye toward creating an exceptionally supportive circumstance for the youngster.

8. Respect them.

9. Defend their honor.

10. Remember Mother's Day and Father's Day.

The chapter itself calls out a lot of error in today's system. Thankfully, even with those errors, there are still adoptive parents who are doing the things that this list suggests. Imagine how much more productive the system could be if there were some massive changes! The possibilities are endless!

Tomorrow we'll discuss the last chapter which reminds us that birth parents are pretty okay kind of people.

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For more on Lifegivers, read:

1. Beginning a Chapter Review of Lifegivers.

2. Lifegivers: Chapter One.

3. Lifegivers: Chapter Two.

4. Lifegivers: Chapter Three.

5. Lifegivers: Chapter Four.

6. Lifegivers: Chapter Five.

7. Lifegivers: Chapter Six.

8. Lifegivers: Chapter Seven.

9. Lifegivers: The First Half of Chapter Eight.

10. Lifegivers: The Second Half of Chapter Eight.

11. Lifegivers: Chapter Nine.

12. Lifegivers: Chapter Ten.

13. Lifegivers: Chapter Eleven.

14. Lifegivers: Chapter Twelve.


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Photo Credit: Book cover.